20 April 2011

Pour Your Heart Out - In Need of Being Held

I still can't go into detail regarding what's going on with me.  But I do have so much on my chest and in my heart right now, that I just need to pour.

I know that everyone's had days like these.  Days where you're convinced that you've come to the attention of Loki and he's ready to just completely shit all over your day?  That's been my week so far.  Big things, little things... all kinds of things.  And I can't find one little thing to hold onto to give me hope that maybe there's someone out there trying to counteract the Trickster God.

I've managed to destroy/lose 2 cameras in the recent past.  One went sliding into the washer and I didn't realize it until after I'd taken the wet clothes out to through them in the dryer and saw it lying, forlorn, at the bottom of my washing machine.  I've brought it back to Best Buy for repair, but I'm not 100% certain they'll be able to do anything.  Submersion is one of two things that they don't cover - the other being intentional damage.

The second camera, our older one (since the one that slid into the washer wasn't even a week old when it decided to take a dive), has disappeared in a puff of smoke.  I've looked everywhere I can think of to look and I'm not having any luck finding it.  And, of course, I have photo swaps coming up in the near future.  And cute events with my kids that I want to photograph, like next Saturday's Easter Egg Hunt.  My cellphone camera just doesn't cut it.

Next comes Teddy and Peter.  I guess they're just acting their age, but I'm so tired of their screaming at me, of their pitching fits in the middle of stores, of their constant begging.  Teddy starts it, then Pete sees it and thinks it's ok to do.  No matter how many times I discipline by taking away something they want (at which time I'm always told, "Yes, I WILL do X", and I respond that they won't), no matter how many times I ignore them, no matter how many spankings they get or how many times they are sent to their room, it doesn't matter.  They keep it up.  And right now, I'm having a more difficult time than ever dealing with it.

Add to that health issues coming up within my family (this is the part I can't go into).  I've got fears that just refuse to be allayed and an overactive imagination that won't quit.  I want to be held RIGHT NOW... but the kids are in PDO and Rich is at work.  So that won't be happening.

I've had swaps arrive damaged, which means resends.  I've had no brain to allow me to work on other swaps.  I have so many things that I should be doing and I can't.  I just don't have the mind to do so.  And that makes me feel even worse because of it.

The last straw is the stupidest one, but it's the one that is bending me almost to the point of breaking.  I can't even seem to do well on any of the games I try playing.  I play Bingo on Facebook Games and I fail miserably.  I play Entanglement on Chrome and all the tiles send me into the walls.  I play solitaire on my phone and it decides that all I deserve are crappy cards.  Like I said, stupid.  But on top of everything else, this is just one more thing to make me feel like a loser.  One more thing outside of my control.

I'm having a hard time finding anything within my control that I can be assured to be positive.  Every single tiny thing is making me more and more brittle.  But I can't fall apart.  I've got to stay together, even if I'm fragile.  Because there are too many people counting on me to let me destroy myself.

What I wouldn't give right now for an hour long hug.