20 April 2015

Trying to get back on track... again

I was tired of the mess and tired of the stress, so I decided it was about time to do something about it.

Yes, what I really wanted to do was lay in bed and play on the computer for hours on end, but every time I did it, I got bored or I felt guilty.  So I figured it was time to try to turn things around again.  Or at least try to.  I've stumbled so many times in the past, and I'm really hoping that this time maybe, just maybe, I'll get the routines to stick.

I'm trying to start (relatively) small.  I'm starting with a focus on cleaning.  I've started back with the baby steps of FlyLady Baby Steps and (somewhat) ignoring the daily missions.  I am working on cleaning a different room a day like I used to do, with a little wiggle room in case something comes up to make a particular day harder than others.  Every night, I'm straightening up the kitchen, getting the dishes in the dishwasher and making sure my sink is shining.  I'm trying to keep up with the little declutters during the day, as well as begging Rich and the boys to take care of their things so I don't have to do as much.  I'm trying to do a load of laundry a day so I'm not overwhelmed with all the laundry to fold.  And each day, I'm trying to add a little more.

I bought a planner at the end of last year/beginning of this year that seems to be working well for me.  It's dated, but not yeared (basically, it has all the dates but none of the days of the week listed in it).  There are several lines for each day, 2 days to a page.  It gives me room to make notes, keep track what I need to do and feel a bit more on top of things.  It's probably not going to be the only thing I use - I'm still using Cozi and I'm actually hoping to have a control journal one of these days.  But it's a start for me.

I think a lot of this is coming out of a group therapy study that Teddy and I are a part of.  It's for people with depression and their 9 to 17 year old child.  Part of it is trying to find ways to help eliminate stress and some of it is trying to find ways to help our kids not have to worry about depression - ours or theirs.  Tonight is week 3 and I'm trying to let the lessons into my brain.  I think it's working, because I'm feeling better about some things.  Partly, I'm sure, because of the changes I'm trying to make.

I'm trying to make sure that the changes I make aren't only related to the apartment.  I'm trying to drink more water and less soda.  It's easiest when I don't have it in the house, though days when I have to pick the boys up from school is a little harder, since I'll stop and grab something to eat and drink while I wait for them.But even if I get myself down to one soda a day, it's a good start.  I'm also wearing my WiiFit meter constantly.  I haven't started back with exercise yet, though I really need to.  That, I'm hoping, will be next week.  I just don't want to over do things, y'know?  When I feel like I have a handle on the cleaning, then I'll feel like I can add more to it in the form of exercise.

It's little steps, little things.  And I'm hoping that if I can make my environment nicer, then I can make my brain easier to deal with and become nicer myself.  Often, I feel like I'm the screaming mom, the nagging mom, the annoying mom.  I feel like I'm angry so much of the time and that I don't know how to be happy.  But I know it isn't true, so I'm trying to make steps to change that part of me.  Maybe then, I can ask my family to help our rather than yelling and screaming for them to.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to do a little better job of keeping up with my blog, but no promises.  Today, I happen to have the time on the computer to be able to do it.  So I'm writing.  Even if it feels like the same thing I always write, at least I'm writing.  Who knows?  Maybe tomorrow I'll have more time and I'll be able to write something else.  I don't know.  All I do know is that I'm ready for the me I want to be.