Monday Musings - New Year, New Me

 

The new year is a traditional time to reinvent yourself.  To make the promises that (if you're lucky) change you for the better.  In reality, these promises end up broken within a few weeks, if they even last that long.  I used to make resolutions every year, and failing at them within a few days.  Then I tried doing a 101 in 1,001.  Those lasted a bit longer, but the list was so unwieldy that the 1,001 days would be over and I'd have checked off maybe 10 things from the list.  Mostly because I'd forgotten about it before the end.  I've tried just setting goals (exercise 3x a week, clear my email nightly, etc), but I ended up giving up on those soon too.  My habit tracker only helped so much - there was shame seeing "exercise" not shaded in for months on end, but that didn't seem to push me into what I needed to do instead.

I think the biggest problems I've had is setting long term, repeating goals.  I'll say that I want to exercise 3 times a week, or call my mom once a month, or take my meds every day.  And the daily ones, I manage at about 75% accuracy.  The weekly ones... maybe 50%.  The monthly... about 5%.  It seems like if it's something that I don't have on a daily calendar, or something that I can't keep up as a habit, I forget to do it.  Or say, "I'll do it tomorrow."  I have a bad habit of procrastinating.  (Which is part of why the blog hasn't been updated in 3 months.)  It pushes things off until tomorrow becomes next week, becomes next month, becomes next year, becomes never.  And then I feel bad because I didn't do it.  

The worst for these are my open ended goals.  Get the house completely clean - well, that can never happen with the family living here.  Lose 100 pounds - eventually, that may happen, but not in a time frame I can see.  Go through my closets for Goodwill - well, great, but then I have to find time to actually BRING them to Goodwill.  I end up cascading one thing into another into another and then feel overwhelmed and get nothing done.

This year, I'm putting one big thing at the top of my list - Self Care.  That can take the form of taking a bubble bath, spending a day reading, congratulating myself for getting one thing off of my To Do list when depression is weighing heavily on me.  It also means forgiving myself when I stumble.  Whenever I berate myself for not being (in my mind) good enough because I didn't do XYZ, it feeds into the depression and just keeps looping.  I am trying to change that.

I have a few things that I think will help me be more successful this year.  The first is that I've lost 40 pounds in the last 3 months.  I knew what the numbers said, but I didn't recognize how I'd changed until I did a 10 year challenge on Facebook.  I put up a picture from 2011 and 2021, expecting to see more wrinkles, a fuller face, those kinds of changes.  Instead, I saw that my face had slimmed down a LOT.  I looked older but I also looked better.  It was a good shock.  I haven't really noticed the change in clothing because I wear leggings and baggy shirts more often than not.  But I did put on a pair of jeans the other day and had to hold them up.  So mentally, I'm feeling like I'm headed in the right direction with my weight loss.  And that makes me feel as though I'm successful in at least one thing.  

The second is that, for the most part, I was able to keep up with my Bullet Journal as well as my Today I... Yes, I have some months with missing moods tracked, or holes in the habit tracker.  But there are more days filled in than not.  Just the act of putting everything down makes me feel better.  It was one of my goals from last year and it's one that I've managed to be pretty successful with.  I also set up a large part of my 2022 Bullet Journal before the end of 2021 so I'm able to hit the ground running.  Last year, I had a separate planner and Bullet Journal and it was hard to keep up with both.  So I'm adding the planner into the BuJo.  I'll be posting more about that on Wednesday.

So I'm hoping for a new me this year.  A better me.  A happier me.  It may be early in the year, but so far, I am feeling positive that it will happen.

Me, a few days ago.  I'm liking who I am.

 

Pour Your Heart Out - It's Not All Bad

This year has been filled with a lot of negativity here - the problems with the van on our trip north, Rich not get assigned classes and money being tight, the engine blowing this November, the sprain in my foot just in time for the holidays.  Since so many of these things have happened in the second half of the year, it's been hard for me to remember that the year hasn't been all bad.  But really, it hasn't.  And I'm not just talking about the usual good things of having a roof over our heads, food on our table and being together.  There's been so much more.

It's been a year and a half now of Rich being cancer free.  I still remember the fear last year when we found out that he had colon cancer.  The worries as he went through surgery.  Would they get it all?  Would it reappear somewhere else?  How badly will the surgery effect him for the future?  And yes, some of those worries are still there.  We both know that there's a possibility of the cancer returning in the future.  And there have been some changes that we've had to make since his surgery.  But the important thing is that for 18 months, cancer has been out of his body.  And that's enough reason for anyone to celebrate.

This summer, we were able to take the first long vacation as a family since both boys were born.  Yes, there were problems with the van.  But the time we spent with family and friends was priceless.  We'll always have the memories of the week at the beach with Rich's family, watching the cousins play together and getting a chance to chat with other family members.  I'll always be able to rewind the video in my mind of my boys playing miniature golf with their Pop.  I still feel the hugs and love from stopping to see my heart-family, Dave and Barb.  I will always remember the peace of visiting with my mother and sister and watching my boys play with my sister's kids while remembering the fun I had with my own cousins as a child.  It was a summer that I won't forget.

This year, we were able to leave diapers behind.  It was sometimes difficult, trying to get Pete to use the potty, especially in the beginning.  He just preferred pull-ups.  But sometime after PDO was over, something clicked with him and it was all potty, all the time.  Of course he still has occasional accidents.  He's four.  But 99% of the time, he is dry.  Of course, 99% of the time, he also doesn't want to wear clothes, which makes the problem moot.  But he's making steps in the right direction.

In May, I was able to watch my son say good-bye to Kindergarten, then watch him say hello to First Grade in August.  I watched him receive an award for his reading at the end of the school year, and watched him surprise his first grade teacher with how well he could read.  I watched him deal with a bully in kindergarten and not let it break him, and I watched him gain a lot of good friends in first grade.  Every day, he impresses me, his dad and his teacher with his brains.  And just as often, he impresses us with his heart.  I've watched him become a great six year old and that's something else that I could never replace in my mind.

And Pete... along with his success at potty training, I've gotten to watch him become the little clown that he is.  His sense of humor is something that I swear I'm going to get on video one of these days.  He is growing so quickly, showing how smart he is and how different from his brother he is.  He's still small enough that he can snuggle with me on the couch (especially right now when I can't do much more than snuggle on the couch) and that fills my heart with joy.  He's my little scientist, my super hero with his enemy invisible man and my imaginative child.  He's part of what's made the year great.

One of the best things of the year was watching my dad regain himself.  For so long, he'd been in pain. There was so little that he could do - physically and mentally.  But he was able to let go of baggage, have his back repaired and lose a lot of weight.  And now he's doing so much.  He's even dating again, and I couldn't be happier for him.  My relationship with my dad has always been strong, and I'm still a Daddy's girl.  (I doubt that's something that will ever change.)  But I feel even closer to my dad now, somehow.  I've been able to spend more time with him, able to see him more (both at my house and at his) and I'm continuing to make memories with him just as much as I'm making memories with my own children.  The best is that I'm able to let him continue to make memories with his own grandsons.  I can't regret that.

I've made a lot of positive changes in my life as well.  I'm continuing to lose weight.  Slowly, yes.  But I've lost over 35 pounds since I was at my heaviest a few years ago.  And I'm noticing the difference not only in my clothes but in my ability to do things.  I don't hurt as much as I used to.  I don't feel as tired as often.  And I'm heading in the right direction.  I'm also starting to figure out how to keep on top of the things that I need to do around the house.  For awhile, my house was a disaster.  There was a time when we were being threatened with non-renewal of our apartment because of the state it was in.  But now I'm able to keep things clean and I'm even working through my clutter.  This moment in time, when I can't do as much as I was because of the sprain, is a momentary set-back.  I've internalized what I need to know to get back on track.  And that's what is important.

So I may often say that 2012 sucked.  It's been a year when one thing after another has gone wrong.  But I can also remember the things that have gone right, the things that, when I remember them, will fill me with a sense of pride and love, that will make me smile when I remember them.  Like every other year, 2012 has had it's good and it's bad.  But I want to try to remember the good as I step from 2012 into 2013.

Once again, back in the saddle

The last several weeks have been insane.  Between Teddy's birthday weekend and an unexpected trip to Philly/NJ for a funeral, I have barely had a chance to breath let alone get anything done.  While there is still a lot of chaos around me, I'm trying to feel revitalized enough to get everything done.  I'm still trying to come up with a plan of attack... I have some ideas, but I really need to sit down and write them out.  I need to come up with something to keep everything in as well.  I'm getting ready to head out for several errands, including running to Wal-Mart, so I may be able to find something that will help me out.  And tonight, Rich is taking the boys out to go shopping for my birthday (am I seriously going to be 37 on Friday?  Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so I might be able to get some of my organization done then.

I'm still staying about the same in the weight department.  I think I need to revamp my goals again, but that shouldn't be too difficult.  I'm still determined that I'm going to make the changes that I need to to be healthy.  The weather has been nicer, so I might be able to get out and walk more.  I bought another new pedometer - the one that I got with the DS program had the hook break off so it won't stay on my hip/shoe/whatever, and it doesn't do well in my pocket.  But the new one doesn't seem to be working right either.  I'll figure something out.  When I'm out at the store today, I'm going to pick up some more fruit so I have some healthier options for snacking.

I'm pretty behind in Swap-Bot again, in large part because of the trip to the NE.  I think tomorrow is going to be a Focus on Swap-Bot day.  Kids should be in PDO, so that should give me some time for taking care of things without the boys driving me insane.  I'm hoping to have everything back to normal on that end by the weekend.  We'll see how it goes, though.

I still have a lot of backlog with writing book reviews as well.  I'm going to write that up on a list as well, for the various things that I need to do.  That crosses over into Swap-Bot, since one of the swaps I'm in is a book log for the first quarter of 2011.  It shouldn't be too difficult, though, since most of the books I've read are graphic novels.  I did, however, listen to a couple of audio books on the trip, so those will count as well.

I have a grand plan for cleaning.  Rather than focus on a room at a time, I'm going to focus on a section of a room at a time.  The rest of the house might be a mess, but that isn't to worry about right now.  Instead, I'm going to start at one corner of the apartment - specifically, the far left corner in the kitchen.  I'm going to clean and organize from that point forward until I feel finished for the day, then I'm going to quit.  The next day, I can pick up from that point.  While I go, I'm also going to decorate - pictures on walls, things like that.  I won't have to be stressed because I don't have a specific amount that needs to be done daily, but I'll still be able to see progress.

There's fun worked in here as well.  Yesterday, before we got home, we stopped by GameStop to pick up our reserved copies of Pokemon: Black and Pokemon: White.  It's pretty cool because everything is brand new - new area, completely new pokemon, and I've been avoiding spoiling myself so I don't know what will be coming up.  Along with Pokemon, I'm finally downloading WoW to the new computer (which came in right before the trip to the NE).  So I'm going to make some time for that as well.  After all, I'm paying for it, I might as well use it.

I'm getting back into a few other things as well.  I finally got the 1st disc of Season 4 of Dexter, so I'm catching up on that.  I'm hoping that disc 2 will be in soon.  I'm also getting ready to start season 5 of Teen Titans.  I just have to send the latest disc back to Netflix.  We listened to Book 5 of The 39 Clues on the trip back and have decided that we really want to get back into those, so I have the first several of those on hold at the library.  Rather than spending a lot of TV time, we're planning on spending a lot of Audio Book time in the evenings.  It'll be nice, I think.  Plus, I need to make a trip back to Rick's Comic City to pick up a few new comics.  I haven't gotten a box yet, but I'm still thinking about it.  I could use more Green Arrow.

Speaking of which, Barnes & Noble is doing an online promotion of buy 3 get the 4th free on their graphic novels.  I'm debating picking up some.  I have a $20 gift card for B&N anyway, so it would be a good thing to buy.  I just have to decide what I want to get.

Re: the trip to Philly... for all that we saw family for a sad reason (my husband's grandmother's funeral), it was actually a pretty good visit.  We got to spend time with family and got to have fun with the boys.  I got quite a few cute pics of the boys and various members of the family, and I'm hoping to get those up on Picasa and/or Facebook next week.  I've got a few things that I'm hoping to put into the scrapbook as well.  That's another thing that needs to go onto my To Do list.

We'll be making another trip north this summer.  My in-laws have rented a house on the Jersey shore and we'll be there for a week.  We're hoping to go up to NY to spend time with my family as well.  I'm also hoping that we might be able to include a few days of visiting in Philly with friends and maybe making an extra stop or two at places in VA that we've been wanting to check out (including a super huge book sale that goes on 6 or 7 times a year).

It definitely looks like things are going to be keeping busy.  And that's good.  I need to keep busy.  Especially because Teddy will be starting Kindergarten in the fall.  And if I'm busy, I won't have to think about my little boy becoming a big one! :D

Now I'd better get going and run some errands.  Just too much going on and we all have to start somewhere!  :)

Have a great Fat Tuesday, all!

Weight Loss Realizations

I'm sitting on my couch, typing on my Netbook.  This isn't an unusual circumstance.  I'm often sitting on my couch when I'm typing.  What IS unusual, however, is the fact that I'm sitting cross-legged on my couch.  I haven't been able to cross my legs under me in so long I can't remember.  And the thing is, I did it automatically. It wasn't as though I thought, "Hey, let's see if I'm more limber and can sit this way comfortably again."  I just... did it.  Am I losing more weight?  Am I getting more limber with the exercises I've been doing?  Probably a bit of both.

The strange thing is, I'm still not seeing the weight loss on either the scale or in my clothes.  Yet I've had enough people tell me that I've lost weight that I have to accept it as happening.  And seeing these little changes give me hope that maybe it isn't wishful thinking.  That maybe, just MAYBE, I'll be able to hit my goals.

I think I need to start having Rich take pictures of me daily/weekly to see if I can see progress.  Of course, it could also have the negative side effect of depressing me because I don't see results as quickly as I'd like to.  But I feel it can't hurt.  And if I keep up at SparkPeople and with My Weight Loss Coach, I can continue to be more aware of the things that I do and find ways to be healthier.

I like it when I make these realizations.

Starting to get back into the swing of things

I haven't quite caught back up on things (obviously) but that should change in the near future.  We bought our desktop, though we haven't received it yet.  It should be sent next week, if Dell is to be believed.  But we also picked up a netbook, which is letting me be online a lot more regularly.  I'm back in heaven again!  The best thing about the netbook is that I can bring it to Starbucks and have some peace and quiet for working on book review updates and other things.

I haven't been reading as much lately because of things being so busy.  Teddy turned 5 last Sunday, which still blows my mind.  I still remember the day that he was born and it can't really be 5 years ago.  We had a party for him at Chuck E Cheese, so there was a lot of getting things ready for that.  My in-laws came down for the weekend so there was a lot to get done for their visit as well.  All of it has meant that a lot of other things have gone by the wayside for a bit.  But I am working toward getting back on track.

One of the things that I'm proudest of that's been happening lately is that I've gotten pretty firmly back on the weight loss trail.  When I'm out, I always get water to drink rather than a soft drink.  I'm choosing healthier options to eat.  I've got lots of fruit in the house (grapes, blueberries, kiwi) and those have been my snacks lately.  When I'm out, I'm choosing things like grilled chicken over burgers.  I've been parking farther away for the extra walk and doing my Pilates for 30 minutes.  And mentally, I'm feeling better about all of it.  I'm hoping to see some big changes on the scales from all this.  I've already had people tell me I look like I've lost weight, and that makes me feel good regardless of what the scales say.  And I'm being a bit more active over on SparkPeople as well, which is helping me mentally.  The Comic Geeks group, in particular, is fantastic.

Speaking of comics, I actually set foot inside a comic store for the first time in almost a decade (I think the last time I was in one was in 2002 with the first Free Comics Day).  I brought the boys with me, which meant I couldn't browse quite as much as I wanted to, but I did manage to pick up Green Arrow: Brightest Day 1,2,4 &5.  He didn't have any copies of issue 3, so I need to check online to see where I might be able to pick it up.  I'm thinking of getting a box there, but I need a few more titles before he'll pull some aside for me.  Along with GA, I think I'm going to go with Tiny Titans for Teddy.  I'm not sure what else beyond that, since I haven't read anything outside of Graphic Novels in quite some time.  I'll figure it out though.

Speaking of Graphic Novels, I had a cute misspeak moment with Teddy at the library on Monday.  They separate out their Graphic Novels into two categories - juvenile and adult.  Teddy's been picking out a few from the juvenile section lately - primarily Tiny Titans, but some other titles like Batman, The Incredibles and Toy Story.  Anyway, the other day he asked me if I could take him to the Super Models.

"Um... baby, I don't think they have Super Models in the library."
"You know, Mommy, the ones like the Tiny Titans and Batman."

Only a five year old could confuse a Super Model with a Graphic Novel.

I've talked about Teddy.  Now I should talk about Pete a bit.  He's really starting to come into his own.  He's chattering away and we're actually starting to understand him.  My favorite thing he does is call himself "My baby."  "My Baby hurt!", "My Baby want chocate meelk."  I need to video this because I want to remember it.

Which reminds me, I have my scrapbook and lots of ideas but I haven't started anything yet.  Part of it is because I need to download and print out pictures.    It's something else I might be able to do at Starbucks... at the very least, figuring out layouts and the like. Because I'll never finish it unless I start.

So life here has been busy.  But good.  And that's all that really matters.  Hopefully tomorrow night, I'll be back to post Book Reviews.  Me and a cup of Chai Latte Frappachino and a pumpkin cake.

Thoughts on weight and weight loss, and happy surprises

Most of my life, I've been overweight.  It's a fact of life that I've accepted.  When I was younger, it wasn't as much of a problem because I wasn't terribly overweight and even if I was, I was relatively healthy.  As I got older, I got heavier and less healthy.  My weight has caused a lot of problems with my health.  I had back surgery, in part because of the weight stress on my spine (I had herniated discs).  I've had asthma, which has gotten worse because of my weight.  I seem to find more aches and pains every day, finding things that used to work fine refuse to any longer.

For the longest time, I wavered within a 20 pound range between 200 and 220.  I even stayed the same weight when I had was pregnant with Teddy.  After I had him, though, my weight went up so that my norm was 240.  I stayed that weight through my pregnancy with Pete.  And then, once again, I ballooned up.  For a long time, I was afraid to get on the scale.  I didn't even want to go to the doctor, because I knew she'd be disappointed.  And I tried to put the weight that she told me out of my mind because I hated to think of myself as that fat.  I mean, my 22s were getting a little snug, but so what?  Maybe they were shrinking.

My sister-in-law started our family on a Biggest Loser Challenge in mid-September.  It's supposed to go until mid-December.  My first week, I lost about a pound and a half.  And then this week, I gained it back.  I blame this week's slide on the fact that we ate out a lot this past week, plus we had Pete's 2nd birthday party so there was cake.  I've been trying to keep track of my eating and exercising on SparkPeople, as well as really getting involved in some of the groups there.  At the moment, I'm in another challenge - a 31 day challenge for a group of us in Nashville.  I WANT to lose the weight.   But, for all that I tried to convince myself of the contrary, the fact that I gained instead of lost this past week really had me down.

Until I went to my Health website.  My doctor's office (which is part of Vanderbilt Medical Center) has an online site for patients called "My Health at Vanderbilt".  You can log in and see previous or upcoming appointments, message your doctor, find out information about health issues you may be concerned about and look at past labs/vitals/reports/etc.  I had logged in to e-mail my doctor about getting my flu shot done when I have my physical next month.   While I was there, I thought I'd take a look at my chart.  I suspected that my previous weight would be there and I felt that I had to find out what my heaviest had been.

The first surprise was the depressing one.  At my heaviest, I was 272 pounds.  Closer to 300 than 200 by a far margin.  I thought for sure it had been 10 to 15 pounds lighter than that.   But no, there it was in black and white. 272 pounds last January.  There was another weigh in in May, and that came in at 254, but I didn't pay much attention to that.

What I did realize, soon after, was the happy surprise.  In 9 months, I've lost over 30 pounds.  That's more than Pete weighs!  And I lost it without intentionally trying to.  It floors me that it happened, though it shouldn't completely.  When I was in HS, I lost about 20 pounds the same way.  But that was HS.  I had a higher metabolism then.  Now I'm edging closer to 40.  It's supposed to be harder.

The next thought that occurred to me was that if I could do this without intending to, just how much can I do with trying to eat right and exercise?  Will I be closer to 200 by my birthday?  Will I possibly be able to reach my 150 pound goal by this time next year?

It's given me the drive I need to continue to try.  No more stopping for fat food.  Eating in moderation.  And remembering how good exercise feels.  Because it can, and will, pay off.

Tonight is a much brighter night for me because of that.

Back into the swing of things

Yeah, this blog hasn't gotten as much posting as I was hoping it would.  Life got busy.  But I've actually got journaling time scheduled for part of my nightly routine.  So... here's hoping that things will be back to normal.

I've been trying to make a lot of changes to my life lately.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually... I'm finding that I haven't been happy with myself for awhile and that needs to change.  So, things are changing.

First is the physical changes.  I rejoined SparkPeople.com and I'm part of a family weight loss challenge.  I fell off the wagon for a little while as I was trying to get some other things together, but I'm jumping back in with both feet today.  I managed to work out for an hour - 15 minutes of dance, 20 minutes of yoga and 25 minutes of strength training.  I bought a lot of fruit, veggies and nuts to take care of my snacky times.  I have started looking in SparkRecipes for things to make, rather than relying on my own ability to create healthy options.

Secondly, I'm jumping back into FlyLady.  Rick and I got the house incredibly cleaned for my in-laws coming for Pete's birthday, so I've got a good place to start.  And I'm determined to keep up with it.  A little bit every day and I'll be able to keep up with it.

Thirdly, I'm working on organization.  I currently have two calendars - one is fully for my FlyLady stuff and the other is a Google Calendar that covers pretty much everything.  The Google Calendar is mainly because it can send me reminders of the things that I need to do.  Between looking at it and my iGoogle page, I'm in pretty good shape.  Come January, I have a family calendar to put up and that will keep everyone's appointments.  It shouldn't be long to keep them all updated, particularly if I do my FlyLady on Sunday when the FlyLady e-mail comes out.  I'm trying to keep up with a routine - certain things I get done on certain days, certain things that are done every evening and every day.  Because I know that if I don't have to think about too many things, I won't get overwhelmed.

Fourthly, I'm trying to get back into some of the things I enjoy.  I'm reading more regularly again (and taking out audio books to listen to during my workouts).  I've rejoined SwapBot to get myself back into crafting and/or writing.  I've got this blog and my LJ that I want to try to keep up regularly.  They are the things that I need to help remind me that me time is ok.

And finally, I'm trying to figure out my spirituality.  I've described myself for years as agnostic.  I believe in Magic, but I'm not sure how to incorporate it into my every day life.  I want to codify my beliefs so that when the boys start asking me what I believe, I'll be able to tell them without stumbling or trying to figure it out myself.  And I'm trying to get Rich and the boys to start going to Church on Sundays.  I may join them as part of trying to figure out my beliefs.  I don't agree with all of Christianity, but I don't see why I couldn't take from them the things that I believe and leave behind those I don't.  (Ok, so the Catholics might not like it that much, but you know... I'm not there for the Catholic Church.  I'm there for me.)

There are a lot of changes I want to make in the coming years.  And I will make them.  Because the older I get, the more I realize that I'm the only one who can make me the person I want to be.