Pour Your Heart Out - It's Not All Bad

This year has been filled with a lot of negativity here - the problems with the van on our trip north, Rich not get assigned classes and money being tight, the engine blowing this November, the sprain in my foot just in time for the holidays.  Since so many of these things have happened in the second half of the year, it's been hard for me to remember that the year hasn't been all bad.  But really, it hasn't.  And I'm not just talking about the usual good things of having a roof over our heads, food on our table and being together.  There's been so much more.

It's been a year and a half now of Rich being cancer free.  I still remember the fear last year when we found out that he had colon cancer.  The worries as he went through surgery.  Would they get it all?  Would it reappear somewhere else?  How badly will the surgery effect him for the future?  And yes, some of those worries are still there.  We both know that there's a possibility of the cancer returning in the future.  And there have been some changes that we've had to make since his surgery.  But the important thing is that for 18 months, cancer has been out of his body.  And that's enough reason for anyone to celebrate.

This summer, we were able to take the first long vacation as a family since both boys were born.  Yes, there were problems with the van.  But the time we spent with family and friends was priceless.  We'll always have the memories of the week at the beach with Rich's family, watching the cousins play together and getting a chance to chat with other family members.  I'll always be able to rewind the video in my mind of my boys playing miniature golf with their Pop.  I still feel the hugs and love from stopping to see my heart-family, Dave and Barb.  I will always remember the peace of visiting with my mother and sister and watching my boys play with my sister's kids while remembering the fun I had with my own cousins as a child.  It was a summer that I won't forget.

This year, we were able to leave diapers behind.  It was sometimes difficult, trying to get Pete to use the potty, especially in the beginning.  He just preferred pull-ups.  But sometime after PDO was over, something clicked with him and it was all potty, all the time.  Of course he still has occasional accidents.  He's four.  But 99% of the time, he is dry.  Of course, 99% of the time, he also doesn't want to wear clothes, which makes the problem moot.  But he's making steps in the right direction.

In May, I was able to watch my son say good-bye to Kindergarten, then watch him say hello to First Grade in August.  I watched him receive an award for his reading at the end of the school year, and watched him surprise his first grade teacher with how well he could read.  I watched him deal with a bully in kindergarten and not let it break him, and I watched him gain a lot of good friends in first grade.  Every day, he impresses me, his dad and his teacher with his brains.  And just as often, he impresses us with his heart.  I've watched him become a great six year old and that's something else that I could never replace in my mind.

And Pete... along with his success at potty training, I've gotten to watch him become the little clown that he is.  His sense of humor is something that I swear I'm going to get on video one of these days.  He is growing so quickly, showing how smart he is and how different from his brother he is.  He's still small enough that he can snuggle with me on the couch (especially right now when I can't do much more than snuggle on the couch) and that fills my heart with joy.  He's my little scientist, my super hero with his enemy invisible man and my imaginative child.  He's part of what's made the year great.

One of the best things of the year was watching my dad regain himself.  For so long, he'd been in pain. There was so little that he could do - physically and mentally.  But he was able to let go of baggage, have his back repaired and lose a lot of weight.  And now he's doing so much.  He's even dating again, and I couldn't be happier for him.  My relationship with my dad has always been strong, and I'm still a Daddy's girl.  (I doubt that's something that will ever change.)  But I feel even closer to my dad now, somehow.  I've been able to spend more time with him, able to see him more (both at my house and at his) and I'm continuing to make memories with him just as much as I'm making memories with my own children.  The best is that I'm able to let him continue to make memories with his own grandsons.  I can't regret that.

I've made a lot of positive changes in my life as well.  I'm continuing to lose weight.  Slowly, yes.  But I've lost over 35 pounds since I was at my heaviest a few years ago.  And I'm noticing the difference not only in my clothes but in my ability to do things.  I don't hurt as much as I used to.  I don't feel as tired as often.  And I'm heading in the right direction.  I'm also starting to figure out how to keep on top of the things that I need to do around the house.  For awhile, my house was a disaster.  There was a time when we were being threatened with non-renewal of our apartment because of the state it was in.  But now I'm able to keep things clean and I'm even working through my clutter.  This moment in time, when I can't do as much as I was because of the sprain, is a momentary set-back.  I've internalized what I need to know to get back on track.  And that's what is important.

So I may often say that 2012 sucked.  It's been a year when one thing after another has gone wrong.  But I can also remember the things that have gone right, the things that, when I remember them, will fill me with a sense of pride and love, that will make me smile when I remember them.  Like every other year, 2012 has had it's good and it's bad.  But I want to try to remember the good as I step from 2012 into 2013.

My Shoulders Aren't That Big

There have been so many things going on in my family, health-wise, which is alternately making me feel stressed and overwhelmed and guilty.

First, there's the situation with my Dad.  He had his fifth (I believe) back surgery on April 25th.  He was supposed to have a very long period of time in the hospital, which was to include his rehab time.  His doctor, before he went in for the surgery, said that he'd be in the hospital at least a month.  So we were all pretty surprised when we found out that he was slated to come home on May 12th.  We questioned the doctors and the rehab folks, but they all said that he was ready.  But he wasn't.

I drove him home that afternoon (after hours of waiting for him to be released because the left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing) and he was in a lot of pain.  I had to leave fairly quickly - Dad lives about 75 minutes away from me and I had responsibilities at home.  My sister-in-law and her mom (who rents a room from my Dad) helped get him settled and we expected things to go fairly well.  Unfortunately, I got a call the next evening asking me to come out for the weekend.  Dad was falling again.  And he was very confused and hallucinating.  It was pretty bad.  My sister-in-law had back surgery the same day as my Dad, so she was out of the running to be able to help him out.  The call came as we were on our way home from dinner celebrating Teddy's graduation, so I pretty much packed a bag and headed out.

A weekend ended up being almost a month.  Dad wasn't getting any better and he really couldn't be left alone.  Rich came up with the boys on Sunday (since there was no one at home that could watch them while he was at work) and the boys and I set up camp at Dad's for almost a month.  We found out that some of his problem was that he'd been given too weak of pain meds.  We went to see the back doctor the first week I was there and he prescribed something stronger.  It seemed to help a lot.  At least, the hallucinations are gone.

He'd been getting a bit better while I was there.  He was still confused sometimes, but I was forcing him to get out of bed regularly.  I stood there, sometimes for half an hour, reminding him that he had to get up.  I pushed him to do as much for himself as he could.  I cajoled him into doing the exercises he needed to do to get feeling better.  And for awhile, it seemed to be working.

Then, the weekend before I was supposed to leave, the confusion started getting worse again.  He started falling again.  And, as much as I wanted to be able to help more, I had to leave to come home.  The boys were starting PDO on June 8th and I wasn't going to have them miss that.  Plus, Rich had some things coming up that I needed to be home for (more on that in a little bit).  And, I'll admit it.  I missed my own bed and being able to see my husband every night.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But I wanted to be home.

I haven't been home for a week, and Dad's sliding again.  My sister-in-law (who, along with my brother, nieces and nephews, moved in to help out) has called me several times this week about Dad.  He's getting more confused.  He's not eating.  He's not refusing to get out of bed.  He's not drinking or urinating nearly enough.  And his falls are getting more frequent.  She's keeping me in the loop, in part because he's my Dad, and in part because she wants to know how I can help.

Tonight, she called to let me know that she'll be calling his primary care doctor tomorrow.  With all the things happening with Dad, I think it's a good idea.  The problem is, I'm the only one that can drive him.  My sister-in-law is still healing, my brother has medical issues that keep him from driving, and my sister-in-law's mom doesn't have her TN license yet.  So I need to drive 75 minutes to pick him up, bring him back to Nashville for his appointments, drive him back home, then 75 minutes back to my house.  I'm going to be with Dad, taking him back and forth to doctor's appointments all day on Thursday.  And I hope this is when they can fit in an appointment with his PCP.  Because I don't know if I can do it otherwise.  This week is going to be hell when it comes to scheduling.  Here's a brief look:

Monday: Storytime, 10:30 am
              Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Tuesday: Eye doctor's appointment for Teddy, 8:45am
               Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Wednesday: PDO for Teddy & Peter, 9am to 2pm
                Therapy appointment for me, 1pm
                Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Thursday: Doctor's appointment for Dad, 10:30am
                Doctor's appointment for Dad, 1pm
                Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Friday: PDO for Teddy & Peter, 9am to 2pm
           Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm

Rich doesn't have classes to teach or any tutoring this week, but he also doesn't get home until just about 5:30.  And we've got a lot of cleaning to do because my mother-in-law is coming down from NJ on Sunday.  Saturday, we're going out to my Dad's for a combination birthday party for Rich and my sister-in-law's mom, plus Father's Day.  So that'll be busy there.  I've got a lot on my plate this upcoming week and I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to fit everything in.

Add on top of all of this the things going on with Rich medically.

Back in April, Rich went in for a routine colonoscopy.  He had a family history of colon cancer, so they started checking him early, every 5 years.  They found a polyp this time around, but the doctor said it didn't look cancerous to him.  He was wrong.  It was cancerous and there was no healthy cells between the cancer and the end of the polyp.  So they couldn't be sure they removed it all.

This brought us to a surgeon.  He basically told us we had three options: we could do nothing and hope that they'd gotten it all; we could remove a portion of the colon around where the polyp was found; or we could remove the whole colon.  He was pushing for a full removal, because he's seen far too many patients that have come back in a year only to have more cancer further into the colon, and it be far more aggressive.  But it's not an option Rich feels comfortable with.  His family history leads us to believe that, even if the cancer returns, it won't be aggressive.  I'm hoping he's right.

We also found out that Rich has a genetic anomaly that makes gastrointestinal cancers much more likely.  Because of this, we also needed to schedule an upper GI scope as well.  There is the possibility of him having cancer there as well.  He had that done on Friday.  The doctor again found a polyp (this one much, MUCH smaller than the last and in the stomach) and is again sure that it's not cancer.  But it's being biopsied just in case.

The colon surgery is scheduled for a week from Tuesday, June 21st.  They'll be doing the surgery laproscopically, but he'll still be in the hospital for a few days.  Then he'll be home anywhere from a couple weeks to a month in recovery.  He's got 2 weeks of sick and vacation pay left, and short term disability doesn't kick in until after 30 days.  We have a bit in savings, and we're hoping that will help get us through.  But this is why my MIL is coming down.  She's going to help keep an eye on the kids, help keep things running at home while I'm trying to be with Rich as much as possible during his hospital stay.  My nephew will be coming down to help the first week of July - the week that the boys have off of PDO.  I'm definitely going to have some help with this.

But I'm still worried.  Because what if my Dad needs me?  How can I decide between my husband and my father - not that either of them would ask me to make that choice, but with the situation happening with both of them, I can see something coming up where I need to be with both of them at the same time.  And I'm going to end up feeling like shit because I can't be there for both of them.

So... yeah.  This is what's been weighing on my mind lately.  I feel like I need to be Superwoman, but I'm woefully unprepared for the part.  I know that I'll make it through all the health issues in my family, most likely with my sanity intact.  But right now, I'm just feeling a bit strained.

Updates on Life, The Universe and Everything

Life is still continuing to get more and more frustrating.  Things (that I still can't talk about yet) are progressing in directions we'd rather not have them go and I'm just trying to hold on for dear life.  I'm still feeling a bit tossed and turned, but I'm slowly getting a better handle on things.  It's not perfect, but hey... what in life is?

I've realized recently just how much I've missed blogging.  I miss that interaction, that letting things out, that blogging gave me.  I don't know if I'm ready yet to come fully back from hiatus - I still have way too many things to get caught up with before I feel comfortable un-hiatusing (is that even a word?  Probably not), but I know that I have been missing it.  So I may do a bit more hit and miss posting rather than my regular features.  It'll be keeping my hand in.

We finally got our camera back a couple weeks ago (after it unceremoniously decided to take a swim in the washing machine).  I've been taking quite a few pictures lately because of it and I'm pretty proud of some of them.  It's funny, though.  We went from not having any cameras that we could lay our hands on having three. Yep.  Three.  We have the new one that took a swim and then was able to be fixed, the old one that decided to lay low in a seat pocket in the van, and Teddy's new camera that he won at the Easter Egg Hunt.  The only one that's been getting any use has been the Failed Swimmer, but I suspect the other two will be moved into rotation quickly.

I haven't been doing as well keeping up with SparkPeople as I'd like.  Heck, I haven't been as good about keeping up with ANYTHING as I'd like.  Though I am getting caught up on swaps, so that's one good thing.  I've really got to find a method that works for me.  I have my Weekly Chore calendar, and that helps with the chores but actually fitting everything into my schedule for the day... that's where things get rough.  I hate the thought of actually writing a schedule.  Especially since things get FUBARed on a regular basis when I make specific plans.  But I don't know what other choices I have.  If anyone has some great organizational ideas, I'm willing to listen!

I've been up visiting my Dad fairly regularly at the hospital.  He's doing fairly well, and for that, I'm glad.  He's on the rehab floor, which means they're doing everything in their power to get him back up and independent.  He still has some good days and some bad days, but that's to be expected in the early days.  I loaned him our netbook so he can get online while he's there.  He has an Android, but the smaller screen doesn't seem to be working as well for him.  The netbook is still small, but not nearly as small as his phone.  I keep wanting to do more for him, but I don't know what else I could do.  Daughter guilt, I guess.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a great day for me, according to Rich and the boys.  Teddy's been looking forward to Mother's Day for about a month, because he wants to spoil me a bit.  I love my boys!  From what I've been told, I'll be allowed to sleep in as late as I want.  I don't have to do anything if I don't want to.  I'll be having eggs benedict for breakfast (my favorite breakfast).  I'll be having bacon wrapped filets and bay scallops for dinner (which have been in our freezer for a bit, thanks to manager's specials at Kroger).  I'll get to watch Doctor Who and listen to The 39 Clues all day if I want.  It really is going to be my day.  And I'm kind of looking forward to it.  Because I'm going to let everything else go.  All the worries, all the fears, all the frustrations.  Just... poof.  For one day, I'm going to pretend that the world is shiny and bright rather than a little cloudy.

I've got a busy week ahead, but that's par for the course.  The day I'm looking forward to more than any other, though, is Friday.  Teddy will be graduating from PDO.  They've got a ceremony and we get to take pictures... and it's going to really sink in a little further that my baby is starting kindergarten in the fall.  I picked up a graduation card and a neat frame for him.  I'm planning on getting one of the pictures of him in his cap and gown printed and I'll put the frame up in his room.  I know he's pretty excited about it.  I think we all are.

I've got a couple more posts that I want to share tonight, so I'm off to get those posted.  Keep an eye out for Recent Geekery and Recent Photos, coming soon to a Sanity's Overrated near you.  (Though, honestly, it's almost midnight so I should be getting to bed.  But at least I can sleep in tomorrow!)

Busy Day Ahead!

Things are starting to come together a bit more, thankfully.  As I posted the other day, things are starting to turn around a bit toward the positive.  Not that everything is all perfectly rosy - life doesn't work that way.  But I'm not looking up to see bottom right now, so I'm counting that as a success.

My next few days are going to be pretty busy, today in particular. Originally, it wasn't supposed to be this hectic today.  But that's what happens when plans get changed.

We've got our usual trip to the library this morning, with several books due and a few waiting to be picked up.  Normally, we don't worry about the time we get there - they're open from 9 to 5 on Saturdays and we don't have filled days so it's not a huge deal.  But this time, we are trying to get there closer to 9:30 or 10.  One of the local churches does a large community Easter Egg hunt every year.  Along with the Easter Egg hunt, they also have a lot of other games and fun, and it all happens at one of the local parks.  We've been going the last several years (it's put on by the church that we used to get Angel Food through) and the kids always have a blast.  They separate the kids into two groups, with the preschoolers doing their egg hunt at 11 or 11:30 and the school aged kids at noon (I think).  Since both the boys are preschool (for the last time... *sniff*), we need to be there for the earlier hunt.  I'm hoping to get plenty of pictures and video to later post here.

From there, we're driving to my Dad's for early Easter.  We had originally planned our family Easter celebration for tomorrow, but my Dad's back surgery got moved from Wednesday to Monday.  And since he won't really be eating much Sunday because of it, we changed the day for our celebration.  My step-brother and his family will be there as well, so it should be a lot of fun for the whole family.  It's been awhile since my boys have been able to play with their cousins, so they're really looking forward to it.

Part of me is tempted to stay at Dad's until 9, so I can commandeer his TV for watching Doctor Who.  But I don't think that's really going to happen.  We still have eggs to dye tonight, and the kids will be up early (if I know them) to find their Easter Baskets. (Which will need to be put together tonight as well.)

Tomorrow, Rich and Teddy will be going to church while Pete and I stay home and do... who knows what.  We don't have much planned beyond that for tomorrow.  It should be a nice, relaxing day.  I'm hoping to get some updates done here, and some of my swaps ready to go as well.  But Monday gets busy again, with an appointment with Rich's doctor at 9, Story Time at 10:30 and then up to the hospital so I can be there for my Dad's surgery.  He'll already have been in for a few hours by the time I get there - even though I'd planned on being there from the beginning - but it's several hours long so I don't expect he'll be out yet.  I just feel better being there.

So... yeah.  Life doesn't seem to slow down much.  But maybe that's for the best.

D is for... Daddy's Girl, A to Z Challenge

For as long as I can remember, I've been a Daddy's girl.  When I was younger, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him.  As I got older, I confided things to him (though not everything). And now that I'm a parent, I go to him for advice.
He influenced me in so many ways.  He got a computer back in 1980 or so, a TRS-80, Model I.  When I got a bit older (maybe 3rd or 4th grade?), he let me create simple DOS programs on it.  He let me play one of the cassette games that we had for it.  I've never stopped being crazy for computers.
He was a big reader, and he's instilled that in me as well.  I remember after he had his first back surgery.  I was volunteering at our (very small) town library for a Girl Scouts patch.  He'd ask me to bring him a book home to read.  Me, wanting to please him, went through every book in the Sci-Fi section and looked at the cards to see if I saw my father's name on it.  If he hadn't checked it out, I put it in a pile to bring home.  I think I brought home 21 books that time.  And he read them all.
When I was a little girl, he used to let me sit on his lap and "steer" the car up the driveway.  His hands were always close by in case I did anything that wouldn't have been too healthy.  He let me hang around the service station that he owned.  It was one of my favorite playgrounds, in part because he was there.
My parents separated when I was in 5th or 6th grade.  Daddy was close by for awhile, first living in my aunt and uncle's camper, then renting a small apartment off of someone's house.  My sister and I would spend the night occasionally.  I loved having the time with my Daddy.  I remember one time when he was trying to change a battery in a smoke alarm (I think it was), and he'd grabbed an unstable chair.  He fell and knocked himself out.  We didn't have 911 in our town at that time and I couldn't remember the emergency number.  So I tried calling my mom and my aunt.  Their phones were busy.  I kept trying to call until I finally got through.  I stayed calm through all of this, and only when I knew Daddy was safe did I freak out.
I was devastated when he moved to Florida.  I couldn't wait for the summers when he'd drive up in a camper to pick us up and we'd make stops on our way back.  I loved our stop in Washington DC.  When I was in 9th grade, I moved to Florida to live with him and my step-mom.
From my second year there, my step-mom and I ran into problems.  I thought she was too strict about things and she thought I was being a brat.  We were probably both right.  I would talk to my Dad when things got really rough and he'd understand.  Sometimes, he'd let me do things that my step-mom had previously said no to.
Even when I was on my own, he was there for me.  Once he drove 2 hours to find out what was wrong with my car, only to find out I was out of gas (I had a broken gas gauge.  I can be excused for that, can't I?)  He helped keep my secret when I continued dating the guy that was no good for me.  He helped dry my tears when things went bad with this guy, and didn't give up on me when I went back to him.
Daddy's always been there for me, and I try to be there for him.  He and my step-mom moved from Florida to Tennessee.  At the time, it was a pretty central location for all of us kids - I was in TN, my sister was in NY,  my oldest step-brother was in WI and my other step-brother was in Florida.  But he was close to me again, and that meant the world to me.  While they were trying to sell their house in Florida, I would drive out to the new home they bought in TN to make sure everything was ok.  When both my Dad and Step-Mom couldn't do it, Rich and I drove to FL to get the last of their stuff.  I tried to be there for Daddy after Suzy (my step-mom) passed away.
And just like Daddy did for me when I was a teen, I listen when he needs to rant a bit.  I try to give him the good advice that he's given me.  I try to help whenever he needs it (he's got a lot of back problems and hasn't been able to walk without aide of a walker or cane in years).  I try to be as good of a daughter to him as he has been a father to me.
Because I truly love my Daddy.

Daddy holding me not too long after I came home.

Even when I was a bit older, I still wanted to be near my Daddy.

Two of the four most important men in my life - my husband and my Daddy.