Monday Musings - School is Back On, and So Are Masks

 Writer's Note: I'm not sure why I've been getting more a one-week-on, one-week-off schedule to my blogging, but I'm hoping that will change to the Monday-Friday, every week schedule that I want to have.

Tomorrow, my youngest starts 7th grade.  My oldest, 10th.  Neither has regularly been in a school building since March 2020.  This year, as much as I'd prefer to keep them home with the surge of COVID cases all around, the state Department of Education won't allow any schools to go either all virtual (unless classified as such) or hybrid.  I can understand their reasoning, to an extent.  When the numbers came back for testing, there was a lot of learning loss.  But still, I worry about the youngest students that aren't eligible to be vaccinated yet.  I worry about the virus mutating again and the vaccines not even being enough.  But I'm still sending them to the school building anyway.

Part of it is because of the schools they are in.  Pete is at the local (but not our zoned) middle school.  I know the teachers and administration there, and they know Pete.  If he has a meltdown (far more rare now than in elementary school), they know how to handle it.  And they know how to keep him on task for his schoolwork, something I found increasingly difficult while he was virtually learning.  Tedd is at one of the two academic magnet schools, which needs not only excellent academic scores but luck of the lottery to get into.  He's been there since 7th grade and if I were to pull him out to put him in virtual for a year, he wouldn't be able to get back in.  Plus I don't expect that he'd get the same level of classes in virtual that he gets currently, and he wouldn't be able to sing in chorus, which is one of the things he looks forward to most of all at school.

Thankfully, even at the threat of the Speaker of the House calling a special session to prevent it, our school system has put a mask mandate in place, so my kids will be ready for school with plenty of masks to wear and mask washing happening weekly.  All of the parents and teachers I know personally are very happy about this.  Though based on the rate of transmission and the low level of vaccinations, I do think that the DoE will have to make the choice between allowing virtual schooling or closing schools all together because there won't be enough students or teachers making in school education viable.

Regardless of all of this, tomorrow my kids will be off to school.  No more carrying Pokemon backpacks stuffed with crayons, safety scissors and washable markers.  No more matching shirts and pants, happy grins on little faces.  No more meeting one new teacher for the year, and a classroom full of kids they'll be sharing their whole day with.  Instead, there will be laptop bags stuffed with laptops, pens and folders for paper homework.  There will be baleful glares through long hair and over masks with all the disdain a teenager can give.  There will be meeting many new teachers, a few new friends and several old.  There will be moving from class to class, finding a place to sit, and trying to blend into the background.  (Because, after all, these are my kids.)  It will be a new year, and a different year, even from before March 2020.  But I'm hoping it will also be a great year.  Because after the past 18 months, a great year is something they should have.

First day of Kindergarten and 3rd grade

Getting ready to start 7th and 10th grade*

* If I can/remember, I may come in an put new pictures in of them after their first day tomorrow.

Working Wednesday - August BuJo Set Up

 

This month has been so incredibly busy for me that I haven't had as much of a chance to be creative as I'd like.  I have done a little role-playing, as well as a few pages in my Bullet Journal here and there, but my mental energies have been going to so many other things right now.  I was hoping that I'd have something interesting to share today, but sadly it's just my usual August BuJo pages and a few others that I worked on tonight.

I couldn't get as creative, mentally, this month.  I tried to figure out something that would tie into school starting, but until this moment, nothing came to mind (Pencils.  I could have used colored pencils as my mood tracker.)  But, on the good side, I was able to use some of my newer stencils.  I may also be adding more of the multitude of stickers I have as well (note to self: that might work for next week's Working Wednesday....)  Still, for all that it wasn't as creative as I would otherwise have liked, it's a fairly solid set of layouts, so here we go.

             

These are my Month in Review scoring blocks.  I've liked having a one or two page spread where I can see at a glance how much I've read, watch, lost weight, walked.... Since I have every month with a flag on it, it makes it easier for me to compare one month to the next or to pull everything together at the end of the year.  I used an orange Frixion Marker Pen for the stenciled words, and Sharpie Medium Point Pen (I love them because they don't bleed through like most of my other marker pens do.)  

           

These are my "What I've..." boxes.  It gives me a place to write down the books, movies, TV shows and games that make an appearance through the month.  I've learned through the months of doing this that my Reading list has a tendency to be longer than any of my others.  So "Watched" and "Played" are together on one page and "Read" is by itself.  I again used the Sharpie for the outlines, but used my light blue Frixion Erasable Pen for the stencils and the flags.

             

This is my August Mood Tracker (on the left) and my habit/sleep/stress/energy/step trackers (on the right).  I also had a bit of room on the left hand page, so I decided to put a little calendar there so I can more easily keep track of what day of the week is what without having to count backward.  The little gold colored box is the day the kids go back to school.  Not that I'm excited for the day or anything....  For the left hand page, I used my newer stencils for all of it. (Actually, everything stenciled - including the flagged boxes above, were from my newer stencils. )  I used the Sharpie pen for the outlines, and my green Frixion for the days of the week and the hand writing.  The colors for the moods are a set of double sided colored pencils that I got.... who remembers where.  I had to start writing the name of the color along with the mood because by the end of the month, I'd forget what exact color I chose.  This works so much better.

The right was done with a straight edge and my navy blue Frixion pen.  I was going to try stenciling but they didn't line up the way I wanted, so I just straight-edged through the dots.  My sleep line is pink, stress light blue and energy purple.

                    

These final pages were ones I did tonight while watching a Webinar.  On the left, it was just a bunch of doodles.  I was trying to find a lettering style that I could write without having to use a stencil and that would look kinda need.  I'm not too pleased, but that's because I didn't really have a vision.  The right is the list of things I need to pick up during tax free weekend this upcoming weekend.  I still need to go through all my other school supplies to see what I don't need to duplicate, but at least I have everything in one place now!

And that's it, my BuJo layouts for the last few days.  Feel free to steal wholly if you like, or riff off of them or whatever.  I just do them to keep me on track.  You need to do you.

*All links are affiliate links and I will get a small amount for anything you buy.

Talk About It Tuesday - Masking

 

Today, the CDC has updated their guidelines to state that even vaccinated people should wear masks indoor.  Not long ago, even the American Academy of Pediatrics suggested children age 2 and up wear masks because a) a significant portion of children are not yet eligible to be vaccinated and b) because they want in person learning to be the educational focus this year.  And yet even with the two of these medical bodies encouraging masking, there are many in my area that don't want the district to reevaluate.  As I posted yesterday, my kids are going back to school two weeks from today.  As of right now, the school system isn't mandating masks, but a non-insignificant number of parents are petitioning the district to reinstate the mandate.  

I make the mistake of reading Facebook comments far too often.  There is still a lot of misinformation/disinformation out there, like it's harmful for anyone to breath in their CO₂ (it doesn't), if your breath/scents can come through then so can the virus (not entirely true), it's child abuse (it's not - YouTube link)  or it is government overreach making someone have to wear a mask (in a public health crisis, such as what we are in, the government is allowed to require certain precautions be put in place).  I've been trying really hard not to reply to comments, especially after, having posted a very polite reply with a comment regarding the difference between EUA and full authorization and a link to the FDA, getting tagged for spam.  But I do end up feeling so incredibly angry because it doesn't seem to matter how many times we give people factual information, they refuse to take off the blinders.

When it comes to masks, I can't understand how people can be so resistant to having our kids wear them.  Ok, they aren't the most comfortable things in the world.  I'll admit I have times when I just want to tear it off.  But sometimes we have to do the best we can to keep our kids safe, even if it makes them uncomfortable.  If I cared more about Pete's comfort than wearing what he has to, he'd never have clothes on anywhere.  Kids are also a lot more resilient, a lot better able to get used to something than a lot of parents give them credit for.  It becomes as much of a habit as wearing shoes, putting on SSA and bringing a backpack to school, as long as parents don't make a big deal out of it.

It seems like these parents are more concerned with keeping the masks off their kids' faces than the reality of the situation that the Delta Variant of COVID is more dangerous to children than the previous variants.  Add to this the fact that children under 12 cannot get the vaccine yet (and even of the ones that can be vaccinated, only approximately 25% have been vaccinated )  and there are still some adults that have been advised by their doctor that, for health reasons, they should not take the vaccine.  Not requiring masks will allow more people that can't be protected catch it, which will make it more likely that schools will have to go back to virtual learning because there either won't be enough teachers to teach or because there are too many students out because they are sick with COVID.  The sad thing is, these are the same people that will complain if we have to go back to virtual learning, not realizing that their actions in refusing to have their child wear masks or thinking that a mask mandate is needed is what is causing us to have to close schools.

All I know is that, regardless of what these others think, regardless of whether the district changes their mind, regardless of the fact that both my boys are fully vaccinated, they will be wearing masks all day, every day at school.  Because nothing is 100% and they will do their part to try to keep their fellow humans safe.  And I'm not the only one who feels this way - both of them do too.  Which is what makes me proud of them.

Masked and Vaccinated - for their fellow humans

Monday Musings - Back to School

 

On August 10th, my boys will be entering school for (almost) the first time in (almost) a year and a half.  The pandemic has kept them as virtual learners from mid March 2020, through the end of the 2020-2021 school year.  When school started last year, we were asked if we were going to want to keep our kids virtual for the year or if we would want them to go back in person when that option opened up.  We chose in person for the year, thinking better safe than sorry.  We were again given the choice at the end of the first semester, and again chose virtual.  This time, it was partly because we didn't really trust that COVID would be under control enough to feel safe sending them back, and partly because we wanted to keep things as stable for the boys as possible.

This year, we're not given an option to do virtual schooling.  In some ways, this is a good thing.  Being back in the school building will be good for Pete and his need for consistency.  It will also let him get back to the services that he's entitled to through his IEP.  Virtual schooling worked for him in one way - in that I knew what his assignments were and was able to keep on top of what he had to get turned in.  But it was so much harder to keep him focused and engaged unless I was sitting on him all the time.  Add to this the fact that being among people will help reinforce the socialization that he needs to practice.  At school, he won't be able to throw a temper tantrum whenever someone asks him to do something he doesn't want to do - which, sadly, becomes the norm here at home.  And if we're really lucky, he'll be able to make a friend or two as well.

Tedd is going to be trickier.  He really did well with virtual schooling.  Since his classes didn't require cameras to be in, he was able to focus on the lessons instead of his social anxiety.  He could engage with others at his own level.  He kept on top of his homework far more readily than he had when he was in the school building.  He felt more comfortable, and that translated to doing better in school.   Our school system does have a Virtual High School, and they opened that up as an option for more students for this upcoming school year, but for all the success that Tedd had in virtual schooling, we decided not to transfer.  A large part of it is because currently, he's at one of the top academic magnet schools in the state - Martin Luther King Jr Magnet.  Elementary and middle school before he transferred in to MLK bored him to death.  He needs the push that he gets at MLK.  And if we were to transfer out to Virtual, we wouldn't be able to get him transferred back in.  So, MLK he stays.

There are also a few other changes coming for the boys from the last time they were in the classroom.  For Pete, his middle school is allowing them to have a common-sense dress code - no offensive clothing, nothing ripped, no sandals, that kind of thing.  It means he can wear his comfortable T-shirts instead of collared polos.  His pants won't change - partly because he only has one kind he'll ever wear anyway.  But he'll be so much more comfortable in T-shirts.  Finding sneakers instead of his sandals... that might be tougher....  For Tedd, his school has been the same common-sense dress code since he started in 7th grade, so no changes for him there.  His change is the fact that the district has gone back to free school lunches for all.  Because the school zone that Pete is in is low-income, lunches were free for everyone there already.  But MLK, being a Magnet pulled from the whole district, didn't have a high enough number of low-income to allow it when they switched to individual school eligibility a couple years ago.  This year, they've announced that all schools are back to free lunches.  Tedd not having to remember to pack a lunch or bring cash with him will be a huge weight off his mind.

This upcoming weekend our school supply Tax Free Weekend, so I'll be going to pick up a lot of things that the kids will need.  Pants for Tedd, shirts for Pete, laptop bags for both, some school supplies (as much for me because I love them as for them - I still have a bunch that they never used last year.) , and probably a few new masks, because even if the schools aren't requiring them, I am.   On the 4th, we'll find out what Pete's schedule is and get a chance to meet his teachers.  On the 9th, I'll make sure their bags are all ready, laptops charged and in their bags, in bed early enough to have an awesome day.  Tedd will try to catch the city bus, I'll drive Pete in to school, and the year will be a touch closer to normal.

Tedd, focusing on his school work

Pete, at his most comfortable
for school

The Past and the Present

Tomorrow, I will be braving the crowds of shoppers for Tax Free Weekend.  I will be armed with School Supply Lists, clothing and shoe sizes, and a list of other things that I want to pick up, since I'll be out. This year, I'll be supplying two kids for school instead of just one.  I'll be buying double the amount of pencils and erasers, sanitzers and Wet Wipes, than I've had to buy before.  And I don't know if it's because this is the first year I'm shopping for more than one child, or if it's just memories sparking as I'm getting older, but it brings to mind my mother returning home one year, a few weeks before I started school, laden with everything I would need to start the school year out right.

I can still see clearly my mother, sitting on the floor in our living room with a large bag or two from the store 30 minutes away from home.  I watched with anticipation as first one, then another, and another item came out that was going to have me ready for another year of school.  There was a school bag, and a metal lunch box with it's own thermos - what was on it is now lost to the mists of memory, but the feeling of having that wonderful lunch box with it's matching thermos, being in awe of the "new lunchbox smell" that it seemed to have for me, stays with me until this day.  I'm sure other things came out of the bag, like pencils and paper and other school essentials, but what I really remember most were the clothes.

One by one, my mother would pull out a new outfit for me to wear to school.  Cute dresses that would come up to my mid-thigh.  Matching pants and tops.  Shoes that matched perfectly with the clothes I was getting.  That day was like Christmas for me, all the new things that belonged to just me.  I was so excited to start school so I could begin using these things.

My kids probably won't share the same excitement.  School here in Nashville is very different than it was in small town New York.  The supplies will be communal for their classrooms.  The clothes will be Standard School Attire - blue, black or khaki pants, short sleeved collar shirts with nothing on them.  No lunch boxes, because school lunches are free for all students in the Metro Public School system.  Teddy may get excited over the backpack I get him (Pete already has an awesome Phineas and Ferb one), and Pete might be excited over the sneakers I buy for him (Teddy got a new pair at the end of last year that he has hardly worn).  And they may want to see what other goodies I get.  But I suspect they'll look at a few things and then, before I have a chance to finish pulling things from the bag, they'll ask if they can go play on the computer, or watch TV, or anything else that doesn't involve watching Mom pull items out of bags.

3 Weeks and Counting

3 Weeks from today, my youngest will start kindergarten. And I'm not sure I'm ready.

It's not for the reasons you'd think.  It's not the thought of him growing up, or being away from me all day.  I'm used to that from his Parents' Day Out program.  Granted, this is 5 days a week instead of 2, but I know that the consistency of being in a 5 day a week routine is going to be nothing but good for him.  Instead, I'm worried because... well, it's Pete.  And he's a very different kid than Teddy, with a bunch of different issues.

It started with behavior problems and other concerns in his PDO program.  He was combative with his teachers, he yelled and screamed, didn't learn his letters, couldn't hold a pencil right.  We thought it was mostly behavior rather than any kind of developmental delay, so we looked into the Regional Intervention Program.  It was highly recommended by both educators and other parents that I knew.  And it WAS good for me.  It gave me a lot more tools to deal with Pete when he got out of control.  And Pete did learn a few things there.  But by the time we "graduated", he was still having as many problems as he'd had before we started.  So I wasn't sure where to go next.

I met with his pediatrician, and she had expressed some concerns about his fine motor skills and suggested we go to Pediatric Rehab.  Ok, I figured.  Let's see what we can do there.  It took a couple months before they could see us and, as they were testing him, we found out that most of his problems weren't completely from stubbornness or bad parenting, but because he actually had something wrong with him - Sensory Processing Disorder. Basically, he needed sensation.  He wasn't getting it the same way most of us do, not feeling things as strongly (physically) or able to feel comfortable in the space around him.  So he pushed the limits to try to create the sensations he was craving.  Sitting still in a chair was tough on him.  He needed to wiggle and move because his body was telling him that's what had to happen.  He ran into walls at full speed so he could figure out where the boundaries were. He made loud noises and acted silly because that's what he felt he needed to do.  So what we needed to do was find a way to get him those things without being disruptive.  So we started Occupational Therapy with him once a week, both for the SPD and because his fine motor skills weren't where they should be at 5 1/2.

They've given me some great ideas for helping him deal with SPD.  Ways to help him get out the need to be active without being disruptive.  One of the things I do with him is have a "Push War".  He pushes against my hands as hard as he can, trying to push them back to my chest.  After we do it a couple of times, he's able to calm down a little.  Also, I try to give him "heavy work", like helping push the (full) laundry basket across the floor, or having to run to the dining room and bring me back one thing after another.  These little things are helping.

What worries me, though, is what will happen when school starts.  I'm trying to get an IEP or a 504 Plan for him so if he needs help with various things, we'll already have a plan in place for him to get that help.  Today, after many phone calls that weren't returned, I stopped by the school to talk with someone about it.  I need a diagnosis from a doctor - what they found at rehab just won't cut it.  And then, with the diagnosis, I need to bring it to the school and get the paperwork started. Then they'll have a meeting to discuss it, and the school psychologist will meet with Pete to test him again.  Only after all of that happens will be (hopefully) get something in place for him.  So I have an appointment with his pediatrician next Tuesday to see what I need to do to get a doctor's diagnosis.  I'm afraid that I'm going to have to go somewhere else to get him diagnosed and who knows how long that wait will be.  I'm worried that it will be October or December by the time we can finally get something in place for him, and by then, he'll be labeled a "problem child".

The one thing going for me is that I know his teacher this year.  It's the same teacher that Teddy had in kindergarten.  I have a good rapport with her, and her teaching style is one that Pete responds to positively.  (It's very similar to the style his current teacher at PDO has, which has worked wonders for him over this last year.)  But for all that I know she'll be willing to work with me on some things, I also know that her hands will be tied when it comes to how much leeway she can give him for things.  She will (I hope) understand that he's not meaning to be a problem.  And I know she'll get in touch with me if there are problems.  But the fear that he'll not get what he needs soon enough is one that won't leave me.

So now I wait, hope and pray.  Wait for school to start and see if he'll be ok.  Hope that we can get everything we need for him to succeed at school before it starts.  And pray that he'll be able to thrive because he's got who and what he needs behind him.

Graduation Day from PDO

Pour Your Heart Out - It's Not All Bad

This year has been filled with a lot of negativity here - the problems with the van on our trip north, Rich not get assigned classes and money being tight, the engine blowing this November, the sprain in my foot just in time for the holidays.  Since so many of these things have happened in the second half of the year, it's been hard for me to remember that the year hasn't been all bad.  But really, it hasn't.  And I'm not just talking about the usual good things of having a roof over our heads, food on our table and being together.  There's been so much more.

It's been a year and a half now of Rich being cancer free.  I still remember the fear last year when we found out that he had colon cancer.  The worries as he went through surgery.  Would they get it all?  Would it reappear somewhere else?  How badly will the surgery effect him for the future?  And yes, some of those worries are still there.  We both know that there's a possibility of the cancer returning in the future.  And there have been some changes that we've had to make since his surgery.  But the important thing is that for 18 months, cancer has been out of his body.  And that's enough reason for anyone to celebrate.

This summer, we were able to take the first long vacation as a family since both boys were born.  Yes, there were problems with the van.  But the time we spent with family and friends was priceless.  We'll always have the memories of the week at the beach with Rich's family, watching the cousins play together and getting a chance to chat with other family members.  I'll always be able to rewind the video in my mind of my boys playing miniature golf with their Pop.  I still feel the hugs and love from stopping to see my heart-family, Dave and Barb.  I will always remember the peace of visiting with my mother and sister and watching my boys play with my sister's kids while remembering the fun I had with my own cousins as a child.  It was a summer that I won't forget.

This year, we were able to leave diapers behind.  It was sometimes difficult, trying to get Pete to use the potty, especially in the beginning.  He just preferred pull-ups.  But sometime after PDO was over, something clicked with him and it was all potty, all the time.  Of course he still has occasional accidents.  He's four.  But 99% of the time, he is dry.  Of course, 99% of the time, he also doesn't want to wear clothes, which makes the problem moot.  But he's making steps in the right direction.

In May, I was able to watch my son say good-bye to Kindergarten, then watch him say hello to First Grade in August.  I watched him receive an award for his reading at the end of the school year, and watched him surprise his first grade teacher with how well he could read.  I watched him deal with a bully in kindergarten and not let it break him, and I watched him gain a lot of good friends in first grade.  Every day, he impresses me, his dad and his teacher with his brains.  And just as often, he impresses us with his heart.  I've watched him become a great six year old and that's something else that I could never replace in my mind.

And Pete... along with his success at potty training, I've gotten to watch him become the little clown that he is.  His sense of humor is something that I swear I'm going to get on video one of these days.  He is growing so quickly, showing how smart he is and how different from his brother he is.  He's still small enough that he can snuggle with me on the couch (especially right now when I can't do much more than snuggle on the couch) and that fills my heart with joy.  He's my little scientist, my super hero with his enemy invisible man and my imaginative child.  He's part of what's made the year great.

One of the best things of the year was watching my dad regain himself.  For so long, he'd been in pain. There was so little that he could do - physically and mentally.  But he was able to let go of baggage, have his back repaired and lose a lot of weight.  And now he's doing so much.  He's even dating again, and I couldn't be happier for him.  My relationship with my dad has always been strong, and I'm still a Daddy's girl.  (I doubt that's something that will ever change.)  But I feel even closer to my dad now, somehow.  I've been able to spend more time with him, able to see him more (both at my house and at his) and I'm continuing to make memories with him just as much as I'm making memories with my own children.  The best is that I'm able to let him continue to make memories with his own grandsons.  I can't regret that.

I've made a lot of positive changes in my life as well.  I'm continuing to lose weight.  Slowly, yes.  But I've lost over 35 pounds since I was at my heaviest a few years ago.  And I'm noticing the difference not only in my clothes but in my ability to do things.  I don't hurt as much as I used to.  I don't feel as tired as often.  And I'm heading in the right direction.  I'm also starting to figure out how to keep on top of the things that I need to do around the house.  For awhile, my house was a disaster.  There was a time when we were being threatened with non-renewal of our apartment because of the state it was in.  But now I'm able to keep things clean and I'm even working through my clutter.  This moment in time, when I can't do as much as I was because of the sprain, is a momentary set-back.  I've internalized what I need to know to get back on track.  And that's what is important.

So I may often say that 2012 sucked.  It's been a year when one thing after another has gone wrong.  But I can also remember the things that have gone right, the things that, when I remember them, will fill me with a sense of pride and love, that will make me smile when I remember them.  Like every other year, 2012 has had it's good and it's bad.  But I want to try to remember the good as I step from 2012 into 2013.

It's Not as Easy as You Think - PYHO

"You know this is a supposed to be a social event.  You need to play with other people."
"Why don't you just call the school?"
"You should contact your school board member.  That's what they're there for."
Three phrases I've heard this week.  Three phrases from well-meaning people that don't understand how difficult social anxiety can be.
I've always been a shy person, afraid of confrontation and worried about what people think.  When I was a kid, I was teased for being smart, for being overweight, for being poor.  There were many times when I opened up to someone, sure that they were going to be a real friend, that they would be someone I could talk to and trust, only to find out later that they were making fun of me behind my back.  I still remember overhearing one boy say to another, "Amber likes you?  You'd better run!"  And my heart broke and I cried.  Which, of course, let me in for more teasing.  And this was a regular thing for me in my tiny K-12 school until I moved to Florida and attended a much larger school.
But by then, the damage was done.  Yes, in my new school I had more friends.  I was accepted for who and what I was.  I was able to reinvent myself a little without having to live down the embarrassing moments from my youth.  But the seeds of doubt were firmly in my mind, the conviction that things weren't what they seemed.
As I got older, it became more and more difficult for me to handle any kind of confrontation.  Oh, I could go into a store and shop.  I could handle being a call center employee where 90% of the calls coming in to me were ones where I got to help rather than ones where I was yelled at.  I could handle calling a select few friends and family members.  
But not all of them.  If there was a new friend, or someone that I hadn't talked to in awhile, I had a difficult time picking up the phone.  What if they are in the middle of something?  What if their "call me" wasn't sincerely meant?  What if what if what if?  And if I needed to talk to someone about something that was wrong, like calling about Teddy's busing situation, I freeze up.  What if they aren't the ones that are wrong, but I am?  Will they make me feel even worse about myself than I do on my darkest days?  Even knowing what I do from working customer service doesn't make it any easier.  The negative thoughts keep circling.
People think it's easy to just join in the fun.  After all, everyone around you is having fun.  They're there to talk, to play a game, to participate in the fun that they are their to have.  And that's, supposedly, why I came too.  And it is.  And I want to.  But what most people don't realize is the fact that I'm even there is a big step for me.  Going out of my house and joining in a new situation where I don't know the people, don't know the rules, don't know how things usually happen, is almost paralyzing to me.  Large groups, like Nashville's Celebration of Cultures isn't a problem because I can hide among the large number of people.  I don't have to be social.  But smaller groups, like our local Pokemon League, are a different animal.
With the Pokemon League, we've been going for about 9 months, almost a year.  At first, I let Rich take Teddy and I'd stay home with Pete.  I didn't know the people and I didn't know the game.  Then Rich started taking Pete to give me a bit of alone time.  Then, for a reason I still don't understand, I started joining them.  First, it was things like Pre-release tournaments.  Then I started coming on Sundays.  Most of the time, I kept an eye on Pete, read or played on my Kindle and kept to myself.  Slowly, I started getting to know a few of the PokeMoms-and-Dads.  We'd talk about little things, things that weren't terribly important, sharing things we had in common like various geekisms or what it was like to be a parent.  But even now, I generally stake out a table and sit by myself in the corner, saying hi as people walk by rather than come up and sit with someone that's already there or invite others to sit with me.
Pokemon is, in a lot of ways, Teddy's life.  He plays the DS game, plays the card game, reads Pokemon books, plays pretend Pokemon with Pete, compares things to Pokemon.  It's his current obsession and, as obsessions go, he could have worse.  Pete's getting to be very much the same way.  And Rich also plays at League and in tournaments.  And for the longest time, Teddy's been wanting me to play as well.  So I asked Rich to make me a deck.  And, without realizing why, I asked Rich to play a round with me at League the other week.  I signed up for a POP ID and started playing.  But only with Rich and Teddy.
I know a lot of the people that play, both the kids and the adults.  They know me.  I can call them by name, ask them about things in their life.  But I can't, without serious fear, ask them to play a game with me.  I don't know the rules well.  I make a lot of mistakes when I play because I forget things.  My deck isn't very good so they won't be getting a good amount of play out of me.  And if I make a mistake, I'm sure I'll cry from embarrassment  which will just embarrass me more.  (As a matter of fact, thinking about it is bringing tears to my eyes as I type this.)
All these thoughts go through my head, keep me from enjoying something that I know I do enjoy, keep me from putting myself out there where I can learn more.  And it makes me want to jump back into my hole, not play, not try to push myself out there because of the fear of rejection.  And people just don't understand it.
It's so easy for someone to suggest that I do something that they, themselves would find easy.  It's easy to look at me from the outside and suggest how to handle a situation.  And it's easy for them to be in the situation.  But for them to be me, just for a day when the pressures of facing my fears is overwhelming... they can't do it.  Because they aren't made the way that I am.  And the worst of it is, I can't even tell them when the situation comes up, because that feeds into my fears as well.
I'm trying.  I really am.  Sunday, I'm planning on asking the head of the League to play a round with me.  Monday, I called the school system again to complain about the bus situation.  I was forceful about what my worries and concerns and what I had a problem with.  I gave them the information they needed without resorting to screaming, swearing or breaking into tears.  I was told they'd call me back with answers to my questions regarding why they can't get my son home at close to the same time every day.  And so far, I've heard from no one.  But I can't take the step to make another call yet.  Because it's too hard of a step to take right now.
I just want people to understand that it's not as easy to be inside my head as they think it is.

Tuesday Coffee Chat (on Wednesday) - School is Back In

You know, I could have used today's Pour Your Heart Out for this as well, since we're talking about school and school related things for Tuesday's Coffee Chat (hosted by the incomparable Rory/Les over at Time Out for Mom.  But I'm working backward and don't want to add another link to that page, plus there are so many other things that I can talk about when it comes to school-stuff.  So... here I go.  Talking, specifically, about backpacks.

See, a backpack is something that every kid needs for school.  Though they can't be rolling backpacks because those are absolutely Not Allowed.  But they need something to bring their agendas and homework packets and notes and lunchboxes and other bits of flotsam and jetsam back and forth on a daily basis.  (Though not books.  Those stay at school.)  And in a school where kids are required to dress in SSA (standard school attire), backpacks are ways to show individuality that cannot come from the clothes they wear.

Last year, Teddy had a great red and yellow Pokemon backpack that he'd gotten for his previous birthday from Nonni and Pop.  He used it for PDO, used it for Kindergarten, used it for going back and forth place like Pokemon League or Poppy's... it was his go-to bag.  But it was starting to get a little worn by the end of the summer break and I decided we could use it exclusively for Pokemon and get him a new one for school.

(the snazzy Nonni and Pop purchased bag from the last year).
So we searched for a new Pokemon backpack and found that our local Target had this one:



Teddy liked it and it was big enough, so we purchased it.  All the items from the school supply lists were added into it so he'd have it all ready on August first.

For a month, the backpack worked great.  He could put his lunchbox in it, it fit comfortably on his shoulders... all was well.  And then, the zippers broke.  They came completely off the track, and try as I might, I couldn't get it fixed.  Warranty, right?  So we brought it back to Target and exchanged it for the exact same pack.  Had to be a fluke, right?  Right?

Fast forward to Monday afternoon.  We are walking back from the bus stop with Nonni and Pop when I notice the side of Teddy's backpack.  It has a hole torn from top to bottom.  It didn't look cut, but frayed like the stitching had given way.  And the fabric was starting to unravel.  Great.  Just great.  Another one bit the dust.

I let him take my backpack Tuesday and went out shopping with him after school to find another one.  I'd checked KMart earlier in the day, since they had all theirs 50% off.  But the ones I thought he'd like were more than I wanted to spend and the ones that were of the right price range were too small or too girly.  So Walmart it was.

What he finally came away with was a black mesh backpack with a bungy cord from (you can see it here).  There were a few others in the right price range, but they were huge, across-the-body style packs that just overwhelmed his small body.  So we ended up with mesh.  Or, as Rick put it, a backpack that won't keep anything in it dry.  Lots of sitting in the car on rainy days, I think (for that that he wants to take his umbrella and go outside.)

I hope this is the last one he will need this year.  I hate having to re-purchase something that he had because either he's too hard on it or the quality is poor.  But I suspect, since he's a boy and we often buy cheaper because it's what we can afford, that there will be another backpack in our future.  Maybe I should stock up when I can.

The Case of the Overcrowded Bus - PYHO

The facts:

• Teddy has been back to school for 2 months.
• We live 1 mile from the school.
• A school bus is supposed to pick up the kids from our apartment complex at 7:36 for an 8 am elementary school start time.
• A school bus is supposed to drop off the kids at 3:19 at the end of their school day.

The story:

Last year, Teddy was a car rider.  Not because of any problems with the bus - he seemed to enjoy riding it, the kids didn't pick on him and it picked the kids from our complex and dropped them off near the time they were supposed to every day.  No, he was a car rider last year because it became easier for me to drive him back and forth because of Pete's school schedule and the fact that Teddy didn't pay attention when he was walking down the drive to the complex with the other kids and would run out in front of traffic.  And I liked driving him back and forth to school.  I'd get a minute or two to chat with his PE teacher to see how he was doing and things like that.

This year, however, I decided that the bus was going to be the thing.  He was a year older, a little more responsible - and I was making an effort to bring him up to the stop and walk him (and about a dozen other kids whose parents were never there) down into the main part of the apartment complex.  Pete liked waiting for Teddy at the bus and Teddy had a few new friends at our stop that helped him enjoy his time there.

This was the plan.  And it would have been a good one.  If they didn't keep messing with the kids' in our complex's bus schedule.

At the beginning of the year, we would get to the stop at around 7:25, just in case the bus was early.  And we'd wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Finally, around 7:50, the bus would show up and, with the grid-lock of traffic between our complex and the school, they would consistently be late.  And the afternoons were no better.  Pete and I would walk up to meet Teddy at around 3:15.  45 minutes later, the bus would finally show up, the kids telling stories of how they had to wait for a new bus to pick them up.  And this wasn't a once-in-awhile thing.  This was happening every day.

I called the school system, registered several complaints about the delay for the buses and was told they were still working out things with the buses, that they had less drivers this year so they were trying to figure out routes and to please be patient.  So I was, steaming inside all the while.

When a note came home with the kids in our apartment complex stating that our kids were going to be moved to a different bus and we were given the new times, I was hopeful.  I was giving them another chance, because Teddy liked riding the bus and I liked not wasting gas in stop and go traffic.

For a little while, it did seem to do the trick.  The bus picked the kids up between 7:35 and 7:40 every morning.  They had time to get to school, grab breakfast if they were able, and settle into their classroom before morning announcements.  And in the afternoon, they would be dropped off at the stop between 3:15 and 3:30.  A little later than we were told, but not 45 minutes later, so I could handle it.

These last two weeks, I'm seeing the old patterns reassert themselves and I'm hearing disturbing things from the kids as they get off the bus in the afternoon.  Yesterday, the bus didn't arrive until 7:55.  And when I turned the corner a short time after it had left (on my way to the grocery store with Pete), I saw it sitting on the side of the road, no driver in the driver's seat and the bus full of kids, I was steaming.  They were already late.  What on earth was she doing?

But that isn't even what has me the angriest.  It's what has been happening in the afternoons.  The buses each go by a color and the kids line up according to that color.  Then they'll call the bus colors out two at a time so there isn't so much chaos heading for the buses.  The kids from our complex wait patiently in line with the rest of the kids on the Red bus.  Their color gets called, they walk out and get on the bus.  And then the bus driver turns to them and says, "Brighton Valley kids, you need to get off the bus.  It's too full.  Another bus will be by soon to take you home."  So the kids need to get back off the bus and return to the school to wait once more until there's a free bus that can pick them up and bring them home.

What I don't understand is why, all of a sudden, the buses are getting overcrowded again.  They have a roll of who lives where so they know how many kids could, at maximum, be getting on or off at each stop.  They know how many kids can fit on the bus (and there's a lot since they are long buses and they make the elementary school kids sit 3 to a seat).  So why is this, once again, a problem?  And why is it always our kids?  I've asked Teddy, and I've asked his friend, Landon.  There's never an announcement that other kids need to get off the bus because of overcrowding.  It's only our apartment complex.  And it happens at least once a week.

Of course, they don't bother to let any of the parents' know that they are making our kids' wait until someone else is free to take them.  We're still required to be there at 3:15 to pick up our kids, regardless of the weather or anything else.  And then we're required to wait.  And wait.  Because, of course, they can't drop our kids off in our apartment complex.  Supposedly, the bus has no place to turn around if they do (which is a lie, since I've seen them turn around inside there on other occasions).  So we are waiting on an access road next to a busy street to take our K-4 kids back to the safety of their homes.

I don't want to drive him to school or pick him up from school.  I want him to be able to spend time with his friends, Landon and Ashton.  I want him to have the experience of being a bus rider so he knows what's expected on buses.  And, selfishly, I want that bit of extra time it gives me not having to be at the school 45 minutes early so I'm not having to wait out in the street because the parking situation is abysmal. 

I don't think I'm asking for much.  Just for them to get their act together, stick with a route for our kids and stop treating them like extras who are just thrown to whoever can take them.  Because it's not fair to them, it's not fair to the drivers who aren't familiar with our route and it's not fair to us.

PYHO - It's Not the Same

Over at Momma Can..., Momma spoke about the importance of saying yes to the notes your child comes home with from the PTA or the teacher. Many schools - and more importantly, teachers - are relying on donations and assistance from the parents and the community at large.  So few things are able to be supplied by the school systems any more that things that were once a staple of school just don't happen any more.

And it got me thinking about how different Teddy's school experience is than mine was 30+ years ago.

When I was in first grade, I don't remember needing to bring my own crayons, my own glue, my own chalk (which would have been the equivalent of today's dry erase markers).  What I needed for school were  pencils and paper.  Maybe not even the pencils, though I suspect I probably did.

Teddy had a long list of things that he needed to have for the first day of school, along with another list sent home by his teacher on the first day of school.  The school-wide list was:

• 1 large box of Kleenex
• 1 small plastic school box
• 1 pair of Fiskar scissors
• 24 count box of crayons (no more)
• Back Pack (NO ROLLING BACK PACKS)
• 4 Yellow #2 pencils (Do not put names on the pencils)
• 1 container of disinfecting wipes
• 2 (8oz.) Elmer's bottle of white glue
• 1 pack of rectangular erasers
• 1 bottle of liquid soap

Our Art teachers request the following materials from 1st grade students:

• 1 box of #2 pencils
• 1 box of Crayola colored pencils

The teacher's list was similar, a few more of various items here and there.  And while I think that these things are incredibly important to learning, it saddens me that schools aren't able to help provide something as simple as Kleenex or soap.

It's not just the supplies that are different.  It's what we learned vs what they are learning.

When I was in school, there was a focus on being well-rounded.  Art and music were as important as math and reading.  PE was something that (I think) we had every day.  We learned science and social studies, talked about the world around us.  Through 6th grade, we had a designated day and time that we went to the library every week.  When we were younger, the librarian would read a story to us.  As we got older, we were encouraged to pick out books to take home and read.  It was a huge thrill when we were able to move from the "little kid" books to the ones that were for what would here be considered middle school. (And the day we were able to go through the door from the elementary library to the HS library.... just, wow!)

For Teddy, he still gets art and music - and, thankfully, he's at a school where they do think it's important.  But he's got PE two days a week instead of daily (and yet, they complain about children being overweight).  The library is something he goes to only when he wants to rather than being a scheduled thing.  His teacher mentioned at Open House that they aren't letting them focus on science or social studies any longer - our school had poor reading and math grades so it was to be a heavy focus on those two subjects and the rest could be fit in as you had time.

When I was younger, school was as much a place of social learning as it was book learning.  Recess lasted 30 minutes.  You were encouraged to play and to work out your differences with your friends.  Teachers were there if you needed them, but they tried to let us handle what we thought we could first.  The time we weren't learning how to write or read or add or how plants grew was spent learning how to interact with our friends - and we were given down-time to just decompress from the hard job of learning.  Granted, it was a little less each year, but the down time was just as important.

In Teddy's school, recess lasts 15 minutes.  Lunch is only 20 minutes.  Every minute of every day is scheduled with learning.  There never seems to be a minute that they can catch their breath.

It seems as though what they learn is accelerated far beyond what I learned at that age.  Kindergarten was a time to play, to learn how to interact with people, and maybe learn your ABC's, numbers, colors and shapes.  We still had nap time and afternoon snacks.  First grade was simple addition, starting to read, starting to learn how to write a bit better.  I don't ever remember bringing home homework my first couple years of school.

But for Teddy, kindergarten was a place where he learned simple addition and how to read sight words.  (Though he has always been far beyond when it comes to reading).  In first grade, he's already doing tens addition.  The first week he came home from school, the word "attitude" was one of his spelling words.  He has homework every night (though usually it's only a worksheet or two).  He has spelling tests weekly and tests on his reading passages.  It's a lot more work than I remember first grade being.

Now, in some ways, I'm comparing apples and oranges.  I went to school at a K-12 in upstate New York. Teddy goes to a K-4 school in a state capital.  We had 2 teachers for each grade.  They have between 8 and 10.  We could wear whatever we wanted to.  They have an SSA (though, thankfully, it's not as strict as it could be).  We didn't have the infrastructure in place to help kids that were gifted.  Teddy's school does.  I don't know how schools were in larger towns, if they were anything like what Teddy's experiencing now.  But from what I've read by others, I don't think my experience would have been too different from theirs.

Don't get me wrong.  I love Teddy's school, his teachers and there are a lot of advantages he has now that I couldn't dream of having then.  Everyone at the school knows Teddy and loves him.  They try to find ways to push him further than he would push himself - like letting him read chapter books (since he's reading at a 5th grade level).  We've had some problems with him health-wise in school, and they go out of their way to make things easier for him there.  I am glad that he has this school and has had these teachers.  But sometimes... sometimes I wish he could go back to when I was in school and enjoy being a kid rather than having to focus so hard on learning.

When I opened Teddy's school folder today, what should I see but school pictures!  He looks so contemplative in it... And I'm not sure which coloring I like best.

Black and White Teddy

Color Teddy

Sepia Teddy

Helping Your School the Way You Want To

Rich and I have two places that we regularly give money to.  One is Kickstarter, a site where you can pledge money for projects you believe in.  The person who is trying to get the project funded offers incentives for various levels of support, so you can choose to support whatever your wallet and your interest can afford.  The other is Kiva, a site which offers micro-loans to people in poverty stricken areas of the world trying to make a go of their businesses.  Much like with Kickstarter, you can choose what to businesses interest you and where you want your loan to go to.  The recipient of the loan pays it back in small increments and you can choose to either take your money out or reinvest it in another business.

Today, I found out about another opportunity to help, this time in my own community (or any other community of my choice).  It's a site called DonorsChoose.org and through it, you can donate to schools in your community.  Teachers apply to have their project listed, including a blurb about what they are trying to raise the money for and the amount of money they need.  A staff member of DonorsChoose.org reviews the application and confirms the amount of money needed for the supplies they want to buy.  Then the project is posted to the site, ready for people to bid.  You can look for projects that interest you by school, by subject or by keyword. It gives you the chance to help a classroom full of kids in whichever way that works for you.

We haven't donated yet (though we will be donating to one or both of the proposals at Teddy's school).  It doesn't matter that neither project will directly benefit either of my boys. It WILL benefit their school, and that's what's important.  So check it out.  And if you're a teacher needing something for your classroom, consider putting your request through here.  You never know who is out there in your community, just waiting to help you out.

^{I am in no way affiliated with DonorsChoose.org and I am not getting anything from them for this post.  I just think they're a really great service and I'd like to get the information out there for those who may want to participate in something like this.}

Thankful Thursday - He's a big boy now

Today was a big day in our household, one I'd been alternately excited for and dreading terribly.  It was Teddy's first day of school.

Last night, we read Kindergarten stories.  I told Teddy we needed to be up at 6.  I fully expected him to be awake before that.  He usually is.

But when six o'clock came, he was still fast asleep.  For the first time in a very long time, I've had to wake him up rather than him being awake, waiting to hear Daddy or I get up.  It was actually a pretty easy morning this morning because Teddy was having brunch at school not long after he got there, and we had everything together in his backpack otherwise.  We went outside to take a few pictures, then headed for the bus.

Teddy, ready to head off into the wilds of Kindergarten.

Peter wanted to go to Kindergarten too.

The bus was supposed to be at the entrance to our apartment complex at 7:21 and we were supposed to be at the stop about 10 minutes early.  Since Rich, Pete and I were going to be meeting him at the school (the school system wanted the kindergarteners that were going to be bus riders to ride the first day of school... kind of get to know the driver, get to know the bus stop... things like that), we drove up and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  At about 7:41, we decided that we'd waited long enough and drove to school instead.

A mile trip took us 20 minutes.  Traffic is always bad on the road outside our complex (which is the same road the school is on).  This morning, I think because there were so many parents bringing their kids to school, it was worse than usual.  When we finally got to the school, I dropped Teddy and Rich off at the school and then drove down the road to find a place to park.  Great people at the school, but it's really not an ideal set up for visitors, arrival or departure.  I ended up parking near an abandoned service station down the road and walking back with Pete.

The only time Pete was upset was the minute I dropped Teddy & Rich off.  He was devastated that Teddy and Daddy were leaving him.  But as we walked up the road to the school, and then got into Teddy's classroom, he was fine.

Teddy, on the other hand, wasn't.  My poor baby was sitting at a table near the door, not wanting to color or read like the other kids.  We talked to him for a few minutes and when it was time to say good-bye, he started to cry.  I never expected it from him.  Teddy's always been the kind of kid that goes into a new situation - especially one where he can make friends - with a smile and a boatload of enthusiasm.  To see him crying today just broke my heart.

"I'll miss you, Mommy," he told me.  I hugged him and told him that today, he'd only be there for a couple hours. Daddy, Peter and I would be back at 11:30 to pick him up and the time would fly by.  He would have too much fun to think about missing us too much.  It didn't really help.  His teacher saw him crying and asked him for a high five, which he gave and then dropped his head to the table again.  I didn't want to leave him, but I knew I had to.  I couldn't sit there with him all day.

Teddy, sitting at the desk in his classroom.

I was also surprised that I didn't cry (though, for some perverse reason, I'm starting to tear up now).  But I was relatively okay with dropping him off.  Rich and I took Pete out to McDonald's for breakfast and a bit of time to play there, then headed back home for an hour.  We'd been warned by Teddy's teacher that we'd probably want to get there early because it would back up a lot.  We got there at 11 and it was already backed up.  So we sat in the car for 30 minutes, waiting for the kids to be released.  Once they were, though, things started moving pretty quickly. One of the teachers, or aides or someone, went to get Teddy when we told her who we were there for and brought him to the van.

He was a bit happier when we picked him up, he was still pretty subdued.  I think the whole day kind of got to him.  We took him to his favorite place for lunch, Dragon Phoenix, and he hardly ate there either.  It was definitely a big day for all of us. Though he did have a picture to give us that he'd drawn at school that day.  Mainly, it was scribbles.  But my son is abstract artist most of the time anyway. ;)

His first official piece of Kindergarten art.

Now he doesn't go back until Monday, and that day will be a 1/2 day as well.  Based on today, I think I'm going to drop him off and pick him up on Monday again, and starting with his full day on Tuesday, he'll start taking the bus.  I know that he'll get used to it, but I still worry about him.  After all, he is my little boy.

Teddy, showing his style at Dragon Phoenix

I'm thankful that I was able to see him on his first day of school.  And that I could try to ease his fears as I could.

Memories Monday - Childhood Reading

I've been a reader for... well, as long as I can remember.  I know that I started school being able to read.  I remember the days of trying to teach my sister to read, convinced that she was reading when she had just memorized the words to We Can Jump.  I loved to read anything that I could get my hands on.  That hasn't changed in over 30 years, either.

My mother told my kindergarten teacher, Mrs Wilbur, that I could read, but she was very skeptical. She thought that I, like my little sister, had just memorized the words to books.  One couldn't blame her.  I'm sure she'd heard parent after parent insist that their child could read when they couldn't.  So she smiled and nodded, then just taught me with the rest of the class.

Until one afternoon nap time, that is.  That was the day she was writing something at her large, wooden desk and she heard a little voice behind her repeating what she wrote.  She turned around to find that I had gotten up from my cot and was actually reading.  She couldn't deny my mother's charges any longer.  I don't remember exactly when this was, but I do know it must have been fairly early in the year (reason to be explained later).  Within the next couple of days, I had two less nap days a week because I was going to one of the second grade teachers for reading instruction.

The exact details of what we read together have disappeared like smoke on the wind, but I still have flashes of memory of sitting next to Mrs Grey (the second grade teacher) at one of the small tables in her classroom and reading.  I know that I came away from kindergarten a far better reader than when I'd left it.

One of the things I do remember doing with Mrs Grey, however, was writing my own story.  My family and I had traveled from New York to Florida for Christmas that year.  We were going to see my grandparents.  They'd moved only the year before and we thought it would be a nice family vacation.  I still have memories of that trip (which may be a later Memories Monday entry), and when I got back, Mrs Grey and I talked about the trip and about what I wanted to say.  I don't remember if I did the writing or if she did - it could have gone either way.  But I do remember large sheets of paper, with practice lines at the bottom and blank areas at the top.  I remember coloring the pictures (which weren't very good - art has never been my strong suit) and I remember dark black marker words below it.  And I remember standing in front of my classmates reading the story of my trip for them as they sat on the listening rug.

When first grade started, I was back with my class for reading.  I was bored with it, because I'd learned so much more the year before.  But first grade didn't have nap time, and I couldn't go to another teacher for advanced reading.  So I muddled through, knowing the things that the teacher was teaching, yet not being able to learn more.  Some of my classmates were catching up with me, but not a lot.  In second grade, we were separated into reading groups and the group I was in was able to do independent reading if we finished the assignment.  There were these different colored boxes of cards with short reading comprehension stories on them.  Each color was a different level.  By the end of the year, I'd breezed through those as well.

Reading has always been an important part of my life.  Even when I couldn't get what I needed from my teachers in school, I always found a way to keep pushing my learning forward.  But I'll never forget Mrs Wilbur and Mrs Grey, taking the chance to give me what it was that I needed back in 1979.

Three Weeks

Three weeks from yesterday begins a new chapter in my family's life.  Teddy will start kindergarten.

It's a day that I've alternately been looking forward to and dreading for the last several months.  On the one hand, my little boy is growing up!  He's taking the next step toward independence,   He'll be making new friends, learning new things.  He'll have so much to tell me when he gets home each day, after being away from me for almost 8 hours.  He'll have somewhere to help expand his intelligence, to help stoke the fires of his creativity, five days a week.  He won't quite be my baby any more.

On the other hand, my little boy is growing up.  He's taking the next step toward independence.  He'll learn just how much Mommy and Daddy don't know.  He'll do things that I won't be there to witness.  He'll be on his own to make it or break it.  His heart will get broken, and I won't be nearby to help mend it with a kiss.  He'll be part of a larger microcosm than his small PDO classroom and his home.  He won't quite be my baby any more.

There's a part of me that is anxious for this day to come.  I want to know who his kindergarten teacher is going to be so I can read about her on the school's website and tell Teddy all about her.  I want to get his supply list so he and I can go out shopping for some of the things that he'll need.  I want to bring him to school the first day, meet his teacher, kiss him on the cheek and tell him how proud I am of him.  I want to take him on a bus ride so when his next day of school comes and he'll be taking the bus, it won't be something unfamiliar to him.  I want to watch him take this next step, to be able to squeeze his hand a moment before that step is taken.

But another part of me wants to stop time and never let the summer end.  Next Friday will be his last day of PDO ever.  None of his friends from PDO will be attending the same school that he'll be at, so I know that it will be a completely new experience for him.  He'll be starting from scratch, new friends, new classroom, new teacher.  I won't be able to ease all of his fears because it's new territory for me, too.  Not only have schools changed so much in the 32 years since I first set foot in a classroom, but I'm looking at the difference between a small-town school with two kindergarten classrooms of 15 kids each to the largest school in the district with 10 classes of 20 kids each.  I can't tell him what to expect, because I don't know what to expect.  Not everyone will understand my child.  He's a sensitive soul with a weird sense of humor and a complete lack of patience.  And I know this can bother some people.  He's so like me in a lot of ways, and that worries me too.  Like me, he is a bit heavier.  Like me, he wears glasses.  Like me, he's smart and doesn't always know when to keep those smarts hidden.  Like me, he's sensitive and has a heart that can easily break.  And I don't want him going through the heartache I did as a kid.  It worries me that he might. And as much as I want to be there to ease any hurt he may have, I won't be able to be.  All I'll be able to do is squeeze his hand and let him take that step away from me.

I'm looking forward to Teddy being in school because of the changes in my own life.  For the first time, Pete and I will have a lot of Mommy/Peter time.  For the first 2 1/2 years of Teddy's life, it was just him and I during the day.  I got to focus more time on him, help encourage him with the things that he enjoyed.  I haven't had that time with Pete because it's always been me and the boys.  I don't regret that time, but I am looking forward to seeing what kind of relationship Pete and I will have when we can have a lot of one on one time.

At the same time, I am worried about Teddy being in school because of these changes.  Peter adores his older brother.  For all that they fight (sometimes with Teddy's instigation, sometimes with Pete's), Peter doesn't want to be anywhere without his older brother.  When Teddy was at Vacation Bible School through our church (the one that Pete was too little to go to), Peter cried every night when we dropped Teddy off at the church.  On days when Teddy's been sick and had to stay home from PDO, Peter screamed and cried when he was left at PDO by himself.  I worry that Bubbie will be inconsolable without his Tee-dore.  I know that he'll get over it soon, but I hate to see my boys hurting like that.

Three weeks seems like forever.

Three weeks comes to soon.

Three weeks until things change.

For better. For worse.

Three weeks.