Talk About it Tuesday - Self-Induced Pressure

 

One of my biggest failings is the pressure I place on myself to get things done.  I make my lists, I have my plans and when something throws a wrench into the works, I have panic and guilt.  Because it seems like everyone else can do this Adulting thing, but I fail time and again.

In reality, I know that isn't the case.  Everyone struggles with things.  Things fall through the cracks for everyone.  The important thing isn't what you miss when you fall but how you pick yourself back up when you're done.  And that is something I'm getting better at doing.

What made me want to talk about this today?  The fact that this post is coming out at all. I spent much of the day in bed because I slept badly enough that I was dealing with back spasms.  I was better by the time tonight came around and, while I decided that I didn't want to try to working on the cleaning plans I had, I could sit down and write.  So I checked out what I'd said I was going to write about and saw "What I Want".

"What the hell did I mean by that?" my brain screamed.  Did I want to talk about the changes that I want to make for the upcoming year?  I talked about that yesterday.  Was I thinking about talkin about what I want for the education system?  I don't have the brain for that.  I considered just junking the idea of writing at all today.  But the pressure to not let things fall off here again, after having missed for so many months.  But what do I have the brain power to write about?  

So I decided that I'd write this.  Because I am pressuring myself to do at least something.  It's words on a page.  And it may be weird and boring but at least I've done something.

Talk About it Tuesday - Forgiving Yourself

 

Picture it:  You have a huge To Do list and by the end of the day, only half of it is checked off

Or

You have company coming and your house is a mess.  You aren't able to get everything cleaned up in time, and every crumb at the baseboard is laughing at you.

Or

You let your kid stay home because getting out of bed to take them to school is more trouble than you can deal with.

Every single one of these is something I deal with.  (Though not as much on the last one.)  I want everything around me to be perfect - a perfect apartment, perfect cleaning job, being the perfect wife and perfect mother.  Being the perfect friend.  I don't expect this perfection from anyone else.  If Rich can't get to helping me by cleaning the kitchen, I don't (usually) get mad, especially if he's had a hard, busy day.  If Pete gets 90% of the living room cleaned before his attention wears out, I count that as a positive and let him do more the next day.  If a friend isn't able to meet me for coffee because their day got busier than they'd expected, I am disappointed but I understand.  They are all allowed to be imperfect beings.  But I'm not.  I should be able to handle it all.

Now, please don't think I have anyone else telling me that I have to be perfect.  In fact, Rich tells me more often than not that I need to go sit down, that I've done enough.  He reminds me that if I push myself too much one day, I won't have the body to do anything the next.  But there's always a niggling part of me that knows I'll be letting people down if I don't get X,Y,Z done.

I'm trying to learn to forgive myself when I don't have enough spoons to accomplish everything I plan to do in one day.  Part of that is keeping up my Today I... notebook so the little things that so often get done, things like taking my meds, showering, brushing my teeth, will still show me that I did do SOMETHING and it was something important.  There are days that I need that to look back on, to remind myself that I regularly get a lot more done than my depression will let me remember.  

Many times, on FB (or in real life), I will proudly crow that I did "the thing!"  A lot of times, it's something small and many people would wonder why I'm talking about THAT.  But it's another way to remind myself that I did something that was either scary or difficult for me (see: making phone calls, cleaning the house).  Luckily, my friends and family generally understand that that is what this is.  The hard part, of course, is forgiving myself when I do make those posts and declarations because I have to remember that I'm trying to build myself up more than boast.

I know that all of this - the need for "perfection", the need to apologize when I didn't do anything wrong (yep, that's a big one of mine), are all part and parcel of my depression.  I have difficulty, in the midst of it, remembering that I can take days to myself as long as I don't let myself wallow for weeks.  And it's something I am trying to change for my own mental wellbeing.

You can see the imperfect clutter around (though the picture was more about how my SPDer was watching something on his phone).

A reminder to myself that I need to focus on.  And more background clutter.

Talk About It Tuesday - Blood Donation

 

When I was in high school, I tried to donate blood.  At the time, my iron was low and nothing I did was fixing it.  That finger prick HURTS when they are trying to test your iron!  I tried a couple times, but always the same thing.  I gave up until after I moved to Nashville.  Then I gave one time when a local radio station had the Bloodmobile out.  A few years later, I donated at the Bloodmobile at our church.  Then nothing until this past December.

A friend of ours passed away from cancer not too long ago and her husband set up a yearly blood drive in her name (he started it even before she passed because she needed blood so badly).  I'm not sure what caused me to sign up that time - maybe it was COVID and the fact that I'd spent almost a year seeing no one outside my own home, maybe I was feeling guilty about not doing my part - but sign up I did.  And then and there made a promise to myself to donate at least 3 times a year.

I am a universal donor, O-, so the Red Cross is always looking for my blood.  Sometimes I get calls before I can even donate again.  COVID has made the need for blood even more important, which makes me feel even more like I need to give.  The problem is giving blood is ROUGH for me.  Let me take you through a typical timeline of giving blood for me.

I make an appointment through the Red Cross app to donate at Vanderbilt.  I'm familiar with the place and, if the timing is right, Rich is working on site and I can get lunch with him.  I get there the day of my appointment, having taken a spoonful of molasses the night before to get my iron up, having my water bottle with me to hydrate.  I get myself all checked in, having answered the multitude of questions through the RapidPass.  They prick my finger.  Test it.  More often than not, it's too low so I need to leave and reschedule.  But occasionally, the molasses works and I'm able to get on the gurney for them to start the blood draw.

My veins are deep and they like to roll out of the way.  I don't have a usual "good" vein that they can shoot for every time.  So each time I'm there, I will regularly have 2 to 3 people around me, trying to find my veins.  They'll discuss which one is best and finally agree to try for a vein.  They try.  3 times out of four, it moves away from them or they get too deep.  Something goes wrong.  So they move to the other arm and find one there.  More often  than not, they find a vein on the second arm and manage to get a decent stick on that one.  Thankfully, when they finally do find a vein, my blood flows fairly freely and it doesn't take long until I've filled everything up.  But most attempts at giving blood take 3 trips and an hour on the gurney.

Why am I bringing this up now?  Because I gave blood yesterday.  The last try was in August when my iron was really low.  That's when I decided to take iron pills with my morning meds.  They seem to have done the job and they were able to get me right in.  I'm planning on continuing to take the iron, so that won't be a problem in the future.  The actually drawing of blood was as difficult as always.  For some reason, my skin hurt more than it usually did.  Each stick, each movement of the needle as they tried to get the vein.  After the first arm failed, my phlebotomist had to get a new set of bags and set that all up.  As I lay there waiting, I thought about telling him, "Never mind!" I thought about no longer giving blood.  I thought that I shouldn't be putting myself through this.

But then my little voice reminded me that my blood is pretty special.  It's one that can help anyone, regardless of blood type.  And even though it's a discomfort for me to give it, and more trouble than it is for anyone else in there, my blood could make the difference between life and death for someone else.  And that's far more important than any amount of discomfort.  It's one way I can give back to my community.

So please, if you are able, consider giving blood.  I know that it is difficult or impossible for a lot of people - either they have real problems with needles or lifestyle/travel have made their blood undesirable (which, with all the testing they do on blood, shouldn't really be a thing anymore, but I digress) - but if you can, it can help.  You can go to the Red Cross' Blood Donation site and see where and when you can donate in your area.  

Talk About It Tuesday - What My Depression Looks Like

 

"Can you take the Boy in to school this morning? "

"I'm sorry, I didn't get anything done."

"The kids deserve a better mom."

These are just some of the phrases that come from me when I'm feeling depressed.  Of course, I don't always call it depression.  I'm "down" or "feeling off" or, most often, "broken".  But they all equal the same thing: me feeling like I'm a failure and having difficulty pushing past it to do anything and hating myself for everything.  It doesn't matter if it's my fault or not. I'll take the blame anyway.

I've heard many times over the years that I don't act like I'm depressed.  I can laugh and smile, chatter away at people.  I can be out in public, talking to strangers and laughing with friends.  But inside, I'm berating myself for being fake, wishing I could leave, wanting to be anywhere else.  And then spending the next several days hiding in my room, just existing, playing braindead games and not even reading.   Not initiating interaction with  my kids or my husband because of the conviction that they are better off when I'm away from them.

My kids know when the depression is really hitting.  It's when I even get hugs from Pete as he tells me he loves me.  Where Tedd comes in to hug for several minutes.  They try to do things to help me out - not fighting about getting school or housework done, not fighting in general.  And it does help a little.  Just not enough to pully me fully out of it.

It never comes on all of a sudden or leaves that way.  The days just gradually get harder to deal with, and then, eventually, gradually get easier.  Being on my cocktail of medications means these days don't happen as often as they used to, but they still do happen.  They don't last as long, but they do still last.  I'm learning (even after 20+ years being on some of them) that they aren't magic pills.  But they help.

This is a post that I've been wanting to write for awhile.  Every week on my Blog planner, I have writing about Depression for my Tuesday post.  And it's hard to write about, so I end up not writing the rest of the week's post either.  Then I try again on Monday and... 

But I had to get this out here.  It's not the best post I've ever written.  I'm not sure if it's exactly what I wanted to say about my depression.  But it's something.  And sometimes, giving 10% is ok, because it's better than 0%.  I'm learning to forgive myself for what I don't do, and to accept what I do manage to complete as the gift that it is.  

I'm not perfect, but I'm learning how to deal with me.

Talk About It Tuesday - Illness and the Work/School Problem

 

With the Delta variant of COVID running rampant through the country, we are faced with having to make decisions that we didn't have to make last year.  For many, gone is the ability to work or learn from home.  (My state has disallowed virtual or hybrid learning for schools this year, unless it is a fully virtual school.) It's either stay home even if you aren't feeling THAT bad, or go in and have a chance to infecting others if you turn out to have something communicable.

I've never understood the focus on perfect attendance, either at school or in the workplace.  Ideally, yes, being at school or at work is the best way to make sure learning and working happens.  But putting the focus on "perfect attendance" or coming into the office even when you're not feeling as well shows just where perfection and your own health comes in the hierarchy.  And it relegates those who DO put their own health first to "imperfect".  Personally, I'm fine with being imperfect and letting my kids be the same.  I'm fine with my husband taking mental health days on the rare occasions he hits a bout of depression.  (Because mental health is still health, dammit!)  But that's not the way our country is made to see things.

This year, it's... well, confusing, honestly.  Almost every school in my district has the words "Attendance Matters" on their outdoor boards.  Anything more than 5 unexcused absences can start the truancy ball rolling.  Parents' notes stating our child was out due to illness usually will count as an excused absence, but even those can be looked at if there are too many. So while they are telling us that Attendance Matters, they are also telling us not to send our kids in when they are sick.  Fevers, of course not.  But sore throat?  Muscle aches?  Those could be signs of something worse, yet parents are still sending their kids in with this because Attendance Matters is more important than not only their child's health, but the health of the students, teachers and staff.  In the two schools that my kids attend, as of Monday there were 19 newly confirmed cases of COVID in the school - this is new for one week, and this was for the second week they've been in school - and 93 teachers/students/staff have been required to quarantine.  This is in two schools.  In our whole district, there were 462 confirmed cases with 3022 quarantines.  In one week.  This is out of over 96,000 students, teachers and staff in all of our 155 schools.  That is, in one week, just under 0.01% that have tested positive and 3% that have had to quarantine.  In the first week, there were an additional 259 confirmed positive cases and 1075 quarantines.  That's an increase of over 50% in one week for confirmed cases and over 35% for quarantines.  If the rates keep up like this, we'll have to have more people out of the schools than in.

It's a tightrope.  I get that.  You need to balance the need for students to be in physical classrooms (because there are many - though not all - that do better in the physical classroom) with the need to keep everyone safe.  But when it comes to the health of our teachers and our children, shouldn't that count a bit more than having everyone inside the building every day?

Talk About It Tuesday - Masking

 

Today, the CDC has updated their guidelines to state that even vaccinated people should wear masks indoor.  Not long ago, even the American Academy of Pediatrics suggested children age 2 and up wear masks because a) a significant portion of children are not yet eligible to be vaccinated and b) because they want in person learning to be the educational focus this year.  And yet even with the two of these medical bodies encouraging masking, there are many in my area that don't want the district to reevaluate.  As I posted yesterday, my kids are going back to school two weeks from today.  As of right now, the school system isn't mandating masks, but a non-insignificant number of parents are petitioning the district to reinstate the mandate.  

I make the mistake of reading Facebook comments far too often.  There is still a lot of misinformation/disinformation out there, like it's harmful for anyone to breath in their CO₂ (it doesn't), if your breath/scents can come through then so can the virus (not entirely true), it's child abuse (it's not - YouTube link)  or it is government overreach making someone have to wear a mask (in a public health crisis, such as what we are in, the government is allowed to require certain precautions be put in place).  I've been trying really hard not to reply to comments, especially after, having posted a very polite reply with a comment regarding the difference between EUA and full authorization and a link to the FDA, getting tagged for spam.  But I do end up feeling so incredibly angry because it doesn't seem to matter how many times we give people factual information, they refuse to take off the blinders.

When it comes to masks, I can't understand how people can be so resistant to having our kids wear them.  Ok, they aren't the most comfortable things in the world.  I'll admit I have times when I just want to tear it off.  But sometimes we have to do the best we can to keep our kids safe, even if it makes them uncomfortable.  If I cared more about Pete's comfort than wearing what he has to, he'd never have clothes on anywhere.  Kids are also a lot more resilient, a lot better able to get used to something than a lot of parents give them credit for.  It becomes as much of a habit as wearing shoes, putting on SSA and bringing a backpack to school, as long as parents don't make a big deal out of it.

It seems like these parents are more concerned with keeping the masks off their kids' faces than the reality of the situation that the Delta Variant of COVID is more dangerous to children than the previous variants.  Add to this the fact that children under 12 cannot get the vaccine yet (and even of the ones that can be vaccinated, only approximately 25% have been vaccinated )  and there are still some adults that have been advised by their doctor that, for health reasons, they should not take the vaccine.  Not requiring masks will allow more people that can't be protected catch it, which will make it more likely that schools will have to go back to virtual learning because there either won't be enough teachers to teach or because there are too many students out because they are sick with COVID.  The sad thing is, these are the same people that will complain if we have to go back to virtual learning, not realizing that their actions in refusing to have their child wear masks or thinking that a mask mandate is needed is what is causing us to have to close schools.

All I know is that, regardless of what these others think, regardless of whether the district changes their mind, regardless of the fact that both my boys are fully vaccinated, they will be wearing masks all day, every day at school.  Because nothing is 100% and they will do their part to try to keep their fellow humans safe.  And I'm not the only one who feels this way - both of them do too.  Which is what makes me proud of them.

Masked and Vaccinated - for their fellow humans

Talk About It Tuesday - The Fine Line Between Free Speech and Hate

I make the mistake (far too often) of reading the comments posted to Facebook articles from local news stations.  Living in Tennessee, even in Nashville, means that I am a Liberal often surrounded by loud mouth assholes who belittle and make fun of the fact some of us actually do give a damn about those around us.  

During the Pandemic, I've been accused of being afraid of a virus with a 97% chance survival rate (with no thought for the fact that, a) I'm asthmatic and more of a risk, and b) survival doesn't mean same quality of life before you got sick).  I've been called a sheep because I wear a "face diaper".  I've had to read people claiming that scientists and the government are just out to screw us all and make us good little Communists (yeah, they don't know the meaning of the word).  

Through all of the new legislation regarding voting - with the shortening of hours at early voting, the inability to give food or drink to those waiting in a long line to vote, limiting Sunday voting, and the possibility of requiring first time voters to vote in person - I've been told that I just want to let fraud run rampant - regardless of the fact that large scale fraud has yet to be proven.  I've also been called racist because I pointed out that many of the laws that are being put in place are detrimental to people of color because man of these cuts hurt those in the poorer neighborhoods, which have a larger portion (but not all) of people of color.  But because I stated something that is a statistical fact, I'm a racist.

I was ignored whenever I tried to show, with links to scientific journals, that sex is more a spectrum than an either/or.  (There are so many differing XY chromosomal combinations that He/She isn't the only option out there.)  I was asked told that, if I had a daughter instead of sons, I would be afraid to let a man into the restroom with them.  No matter that transgendered people have been using the bathrooms of their preferred gender rather than their birth sex forever and most, if not all, of the times there has been violence against a woman in a restroom, it hasn't been someone transgendered but a man, as a man, coming in and doing whatever the hell he pleases.  I've been told by people that it's "easy" to tell a boy from a girl - when almost every time Tedd and I go somewhere, he is mistaken for a girl because of his long hair and lack of facial hair.  

These people have a right to say what they want.  And in some cases, I can agree to disagree.  When it comes to whether we should focus on Capitalism All The Time or Democratic Socialist Policies for All, I can see differences of opinions and live and let live.  I personally think we should care for those who aren't as fortunate as others, because one day, anyone could find themselves in a position of needing help.  But I can see where their priorities are different.  But when they are trying to deny rights to someone because their outer gender doesn't fit their inner gender (their actual brain structures fit with the gender they feel they are) or to disallow the ability to adopt because of who they love,  or when they are convinced that the only reason that black men are being killed by the cops (and sometimes common citizens) is because they didn't "comply", regardless of any proof to the contrary, I can't find common ground.  I can't see it as a difference in opinion.  I see it as a denial of facts, of a refusal to see the world as it is and trying to change it, but seeing it as only their small portion of the world exists.  If they don't experience it, then it must not be real.   And it makes me so angry because they are so very short sighted.  They refuse to believe that they have any kind of unconscious bias for how someone else may be treated.  

They have the ability to say what they want.  I get that.  But where does their ability to be assholish jerks end, and the rights of others to not live in a world that is hostile to who they are begin?  And if we go to far, will they then have a legitimate cause for being discriminated against?  I don't know.  The world is too messy to know.  But I wish we could figure it out because instead of drawing together, we seem to be pulling further apart.

Talk About It Tuesday - Representation

Sesame Street just introduced the first gay couple to the show this week.  I, for one, applaud them for showing more types of families.  The world is not made up of heterosexual couples only, raising their perfect 2.5 children.  There are single parents.  Kids being brought up by other family members.  Adoptions.  Mixed race couples.  Gay and Lesbian couples.  And it's good to see all of those types of families represented on children's shows, especially ones with as long and storied a history as Sesame Street.

Sadly, there are many people out there that are up in arms that a children's television show is "shoving this agenda down kids throats".  They are complaining that kids don't care about that and that it's just the liberals trying to push their sick ideas on everyone else.  They seem to think that because it doesn't follow their idea of  "Christian" values that shows like this are just pandering to the "woke" crowd.  They refuse to see that showing families of different make-ups is giving a group of kids something they don't get often enough - a chance to see themselves, and their families, represented to the world at large.

These people are right that kids don't care about gay parents - because they only learn to hate it and think it's wrong when they are being told that it is by their own parents or the society around them.  What they see is two parents that love their kids.  It's not made a big deal.  It's just there, and it's a jumping off place for kids to ask questions and be told the truth about circumstances that are different than their own.  Most of the kids that I have known in my life accept a whole lot more than the grown-ups around them do.  They see a kid with two dads, or a kid with no dad, or a little boy that likes to wear dresses and play with dolls, and just accept them as they are.  It's only as they get older, hearing the adults in their lives say that these things are wrong do they start to believe it themselves.  They start to bully others for being different, because it's what they've learned from either the adults around them, or their peers that learned it from the adults around THEM.

Honestly, I don't care if someone doesn't agree with books or television shows showing different family make-ups, different genders, different sexualities as acceptable.  They have their opinions and they are entitled to it.  But what I do have a problem with are those that try to keep other kids from learning that these people exist and deserve to be treated with respect.  Those that try to keep books about body positivity, about the existence of LGBTQ+ individuals and families and about the neuro-diverse from reaching the hands of children in elementary school are doing every child a disservice.  It keeps the children who come from these families, who are different than the "norm", from seeing themselves represented in the world around them.  And it keeps the kids that have more traditional families, who are more "typical" from seeing that the world around them is far bigger and far more different than they first know.  How can that be anything but good?