In Need of a Change

I'm going through a bit of dissatisfaction with things lately. Nothing that I can put my finger on (though most of which I can lay firmly at the feet of "I haven't been taking my anti-depressants because I'm afraid of puking them up"), but I want a change. I want something new and shiny and different that I can enjoy for a little while.

Books aren't quite doing it. I mean, I am reading - and quite a lot. And I'm enjoying the stories that I'm reading. But far too quickly, I've reached the end of a storyline or I have to wait for the next book to come in from the library or something else that has me stalled. At the moment, I'm rereading The Sandman by Neil Gaiman.  It should keep me happy for a couple more days (and by then, I'll be at the library to pick up the next books in the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead that are waiting for me).  But I also know that all of these books will go quickly.  They always do.  And my "old friends" (like Sandman) just don't seem to be doing it for me lately.  I'll read the and enjoy them, but they don't satisfy whatever need is dwelling inside of me.

The same goes with TV.  Of course, I have no cable and I can't get broadcast signal in my apartment (don't ask why, I just don't know) so my watching is either things I get from the library (which are out for a week, two max), DVDs I already own or, if I happen to be downstairs and the kids aren't hogging the television, something from Netflix piped through the old - and interminably slow - computer to the TV.  But even with all of Netflx's streaming (or Hulu, if nothing on Netflix appeals), I find myself flipping, flipping, flipping.

I've even tried shopping.  While the kids are at PDO, I travel to Wal-Mart or Target or Kroger or KMart... some place with things I can buy (even if I shouldn't).  But it isn't the "no, I shouldn't spend the money" that prevents me from making purchases.  It's the fact that absolutely nothing catches my fancy.  Nothing screams at me, "Buy me!  You know you want to take me home!"  No games. No books. No movies. No clothes.  Nothing.

I want to make a change in me, but I don't know what change it could - or even should - be.  There's the part that knows it should be exercising more.  Going to the pool in the evening and swimming.  Dropping an exercise DVD into the television and doing pilates or yoga... something to renew both body and spirit.  There's another part of me that's considering a change to my hair.  But what should the change be?  Should I adjust the color?  Something redder, maybe?  Or something more mahogany?  I know from experience that blond is NOT the answer, but I always wondered what I'd look like as a raven-haired beauty.  Or maybe I need to change the length.  Then again, I don't know how I would change it, unless I went shorter.  But would I regret that?

Sometimes I think that I need to create again.  But I don't know how.  Baking is pretty much out of the question.  Even in an air conditioned home, it's far too hot outside to have the oven on for long periods of time.  I look through my crafting supplies and inspiration eludes me. The posts for my RPGs feel lackluster when I make them, like I'm going through the motions rather than doing something that I enjoy.

I want to change something.  I need to change something.  But that something refuses to make itself known.  So I sit here, staring at empty words, berating myself for doing nothing, but not knowing what it is that I want to do.

Change.

Once again, back in the saddle

The last several weeks have been insane.  Between Teddy's birthday weekend and an unexpected trip to Philly/NJ for a funeral, I have barely had a chance to breath let alone get anything done.  While there is still a lot of chaos around me, I'm trying to feel revitalized enough to get everything done.  I'm still trying to come up with a plan of attack... I have some ideas, but I really need to sit down and write them out.  I need to come up with something to keep everything in as well.  I'm getting ready to head out for several errands, including running to Wal-Mart, so I may be able to find something that will help me out.  And tonight, Rich is taking the boys out to go shopping for my birthday (am I seriously going to be 37 on Friday?  Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so I might be able to get some of my organization done then.

I'm still staying about the same in the weight department.  I think I need to revamp my goals again, but that shouldn't be too difficult.  I'm still determined that I'm going to make the changes that I need to to be healthy.  The weather has been nicer, so I might be able to get out and walk more.  I bought another new pedometer - the one that I got with the DS program had the hook break off so it won't stay on my hip/shoe/whatever, and it doesn't do well in my pocket.  But the new one doesn't seem to be working right either.  I'll figure something out.  When I'm out at the store today, I'm going to pick up some more fruit so I have some healthier options for snacking.

I'm pretty behind in Swap-Bot again, in large part because of the trip to the NE.  I think tomorrow is going to be a Focus on Swap-Bot day.  Kids should be in PDO, so that should give me some time for taking care of things without the boys driving me insane.  I'm hoping to have everything back to normal on that end by the weekend.  We'll see how it goes, though.

I still have a lot of backlog with writing book reviews as well.  I'm going to write that up on a list as well, for the various things that I need to do.  That crosses over into Swap-Bot, since one of the swaps I'm in is a book log for the first quarter of 2011.  It shouldn't be too difficult, though, since most of the books I've read are graphic novels.  I did, however, listen to a couple of audio books on the trip, so those will count as well.

I have a grand plan for cleaning.  Rather than focus on a room at a time, I'm going to focus on a section of a room at a time.  The rest of the house might be a mess, but that isn't to worry about right now.  Instead, I'm going to start at one corner of the apartment - specifically, the far left corner in the kitchen.  I'm going to clean and organize from that point forward until I feel finished for the day, then I'm going to quit.  The next day, I can pick up from that point.  While I go, I'm also going to decorate - pictures on walls, things like that.  I won't have to be stressed because I don't have a specific amount that needs to be done daily, but I'll still be able to see progress.

There's fun worked in here as well.  Yesterday, before we got home, we stopped by GameStop to pick up our reserved copies of Pokemon: Black and Pokemon: White.  It's pretty cool because everything is brand new - new area, completely new pokemon, and I've been avoiding spoiling myself so I don't know what will be coming up.  Along with Pokemon, I'm finally downloading WoW to the new computer (which came in right before the trip to the NE).  So I'm going to make some time for that as well.  After all, I'm paying for it, I might as well use it.

I'm getting back into a few other things as well.  I finally got the 1st disc of Season 4 of Dexter, so I'm catching up on that.  I'm hoping that disc 2 will be in soon.  I'm also getting ready to start season 5 of Teen Titans.  I just have to send the latest disc back to Netflix.  We listened to Book 5 of The 39 Clues on the trip back and have decided that we really want to get back into those, so I have the first several of those on hold at the library.  Rather than spending a lot of TV time, we're planning on spending a lot of Audio Book time in the evenings.  It'll be nice, I think.  Plus, I need to make a trip back to Rick's Comic City to pick up a few new comics.  I haven't gotten a box yet, but I'm still thinking about it.  I could use more Green Arrow.

Speaking of which, Barnes & Noble is doing an online promotion of buy 3 get the 4th free on their graphic novels.  I'm debating picking up some.  I have a $20 gift card for B&N anyway, so it would be a good thing to buy.  I just have to decide what I want to get.

Re: the trip to Philly... for all that we saw family for a sad reason (my husband's grandmother's funeral), it was actually a pretty good visit.  We got to spend time with family and got to have fun with the boys.  I got quite a few cute pics of the boys and various members of the family, and I'm hoping to get those up on Picasa and/or Facebook next week.  I've got a few things that I'm hoping to put into the scrapbook as well.  That's another thing that needs to go onto my To Do list.

We'll be making another trip north this summer.  My in-laws have rented a house on the Jersey shore and we'll be there for a week.  We're hoping to go up to NY to spend time with my family as well.  I'm also hoping that we might be able to include a few days of visiting in Philly with friends and maybe making an extra stop or two at places in VA that we've been wanting to check out (including a super huge book sale that goes on 6 or 7 times a year).

It definitely looks like things are going to be keeping busy.  And that's good.  I need to keep busy.  Especially because Teddy will be starting Kindergarten in the fall.  And if I'm busy, I won't have to think about my little boy becoming a big one! :D

Now I'd better get going and run some errands.  Just too much going on and we all have to start somewhere!  :)

Have a great Fat Tuesday, all!

Is it about the journey or is it about the end?

Last night, my family and I watched Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.  I hadn't seen it before but from what I'd heard, it was something that was right up my alley.  And, after watching it, I was glad to find that I hadn't been mistaken.  I thought it was a beautiful, wondrous story and one that I want to own.

When Rich and I went to bed last night, we started talking about the movie.  He said he'd been slightly unsatisfied by the ending.  He felt that it cut off too quickly and that there was no real denouement to the story.  He was also a little bothered by the fact that there was no real tension in the story.  As he pointed out, the reason that they added the whole Slugworth bit to the Willy Wonka movie was because there was no real challenge to Charlie throughout it.  He got the Golden Ticket, went to the factory, was a good boy and got the factory because of it.  And that was it.  He also pointed out that we all knew, because of the kind of story that it was, how things would turn out in the end.  And without the tension in there somewhere, it makes the story lacking.

But that's not how I feel about stories.  For me, a story with a good journey is just as good as a story that has a lot of action or questions regarding what people are going to decide.  Because what is important is the journey that is taken.  It's how you get there more than where you end up.  I'll admit it, I'm an unabashed end of the book reader.  Usually about half way through a book, I'll find myself turning toward the end of the book to see what the end is going to be.  And it doesn't ruin it for me in the least.  Because I don't know HOW they're going to get there.  And I'm curious enough to find out what path they take to get there.

And, as I was writing this, I realized that also fits my view on fate vs free will.  I'm a firm believer that there are certain parts of our lives that are destined to happen - who we fall in love with, who influence us in our lives, certain things that happen to us that help shape us.  But the path we take to get there, that's what is up to us.  We have the choice whether we're going to take a job across the country or stay where we are.  If we're eventually supposed to start our own business selling unusual writings to scholars, then it will happen regardless of which job we take.  It's just a matter of when it happens.  Because little things in our lives will eventually steer us toward them.  And it's the journey that we take that we learn from. It took me a long time to find Rich.  I went through several bad relationships before I met him.  And those relationships taught me a lot, both about myself and about relationships. Who knows?  If I had taken time to look at more colleges when I was in High School, I may have found Drew University and met Rich through that.  Anything is possible.

I'm curious about my readers views.  Are you about the journey or the end of the journey?  Which is more important to you?