Working through it

The last few weeks, I've been having more bouts of depression without really knowing why.  Most of the time, it's in the evening, just generally feeling down but not having a focus for it.  The things that I think should make me happy (working on my BuJo, keeping my List a Day and Today I...'s updated) haven't been.  I suspect some of it is the state my house was in for the longest time - total complete and utter disaster.  I was finding myself in that horrid catch 22 where the state of the apartment was making me so depressed that I couldn't find the energy to keep up with the state of the apartment.  

Some of that has changed today, though.  I asked Tedd to work on cleaning up the kitchen, I was going to work on the dining room, and I asked Rich and Pete to work on the living room.  We all spent a couple hours working hard on it and, while none of it is perfect, I feel more comfortable letting people into the house.  I'm hoping that I can get the boys (primarily Pete) to keep up with things so I can feel more comfortable diving into something like the bathroom on Monday.  

I'm trying to work on one very important part of me, and that is the part that is just trying to let go of the need for perfection.  I don't really expect it from anyone else, but I let it weigh me down when I don't meet my own expectations.  I constantly worry what others think of me and the state of my house/car/clothes/life.  I'm trying to let that go.  (Well, beyond trying to get and keep the house in good enough shape that they don't ask us to leave.)

It's a hard thing to do, letting go of my need for perfection, letting go of the blame I heap upon myself when things don't go quite as planned.  It's hard to not berate myself for not being the perfect wife/mom/housekeeper/friend, because I've been doing it for 40-odd years.  I'm trying to find more affirmations to remind myself that perfection isn't a necessity and that what matters most is what my boys and my husband think of me.

I read an old post on Facebook the other day that was a reminder, even all these years later, that I've never really been a bad mom.  The post was this:

FhuSebtrSuarplylSrona 4, shruoraeg201dan2ld  · 

Shared with Your friends

While Teddy was having an awesome time at the prerelease tournament, I got a chance to find out what I sound like through Pete's. Ears. There wasn't a lot of room for Pete to be Pete, so I brought him out to the van to play. After turning me into a variety of barnyard animals, he pretended that he was the mommy and I was the baby/boy. He read me stories before putting me to sleep, got me up and ready for school, drove me around on errands... and as I listened to this, I realized more than anyone else could tell me, that I really am a pretty good mom. It was an awesome day with my family. Today's grade: A+

I knew this 9 years ago.  Even if only for a day, I knew it.  So I need to keep reminding myself that the surprise hugs, the "I love you, Mom"'s and the fact that Pete will still come to me when he's upset mean that I'm still a good mom, especially in their eyes.  So while today, getting everything cleaned up in our own separate corners, felt good the important things was that we were doing it together with tears, yelling and screaming.  And that I could walk into the other rooms and see them for the great job they were rather than telling myself, "Later I'll have to take care of X, Y, Z in here."

I'm getting better at being the best me I can be.  It's still a work in progress.

F is for... Family Literacy Day

Today was Belmont University's 13th Annual Family Literacy Day.  It's a free event that the University puts on for the community to promote literacy.  Aimed at kids from pre-K to sixth grade, the kids get a paper with six boxes on it.  They go to their choice of reading circles set up by different groups on campus, where they can either read to or be read to by volunteers made up of groups on campus.  After their stories, they get a sticker in a box to prove they've been to a reading circle.  When they get two stickers, they can go get refreshments and/or do crafts.  When they get six stickers, they are allowed to pick out a book from a large selection of books - anything from picture books to the latest book by Lemony Snicket.  It's a great way to get kids reading and enjoying the written word.

Small signs to let people know they've come to the right place.

This is our 4th year going (I think) and, as in past years, we had a wonderful time.  They host it at one of the local parks so we can enjoy the wonderful Tennessee spring sunshine. Things were set up a litter different this year from the times we've been in the past.  They'd moved the registration table inside and had the reading circles in the new baseball stadium the park had built over the last year.  But we were able to find where we needed to be fairly quickly, picked up the boys' papers and goody bags, and headed out to get our read on!

Showing the way to the reading circles.

As always, there were quite a few groups with their reading circles, all vying for the attention of kids to come listen to their stories.  Each group had a different theme (though they didn't always choose books that were exactly fitting).  As soon as we walked in, someone suggested we got to her group where they were reading fairy tales and mythology.  It was as good of a place to start as any other, so the boys went and chose a Dr. Seuss - Horton Hears a Who.  I don't think the students that suggested it really realized how long the story was.  It took three of them reading it to the boys to get through it, and then they gave each of them two stickers instead of one!  The kids were pretty happy with that!

My boys, listening as a student reads Horton Hears a Who to them.

Pete was behaving pretty well there, too.  I was happy with my boys.

We actually split up at that point, Pete going with Rich and Teddy coming with me.  They both wanted different kinds of books, so it seemed to make sense.  Teddy and I wandered around until we found a lonely group with dinosaur books.  Teddy chose the book How Do Dinosaurs Go To School?.  We were able to talk him into sharing reading duties.  He read one page and one of the students read the next.  By the time they got to the last page, they both read together.  And I think it gave Teddy the courage to try reading out loud on his own for the future books.

Teddy and one of the students reading together.

The next circle we stopped at was a huge hit for Teddy.  He saw a book that he loved and he wanted to read it to them. Dear Mrs. La Rue: Letters From Obedience School. Apparently, it's one his teacher has read in school before and he loves it.  The girls he read to were really impressed with how well he did.  Reading words like "Obedience" isn't something you'd expect from a 7 year old.  While he was reading, Pete and Rich came over, Pete having just one more story to go.  A couple of the other students read to him while Teddy was continuing to read his.  He finished before Teddy and got not just his last star but also a blow pop!  Then he sat down to listen to Teddy finish reading his story. The girls Teddy was reading to were so impressed that they gave him two stars.

Teddy, entertaining the students with his reading.

The last story was one that Teddy chose to read as well, and was one that he knew both he and his brother would enjoy. Two Crazy Pigs. I wasn't paying quite as much attention during that one, though the students and my boys both seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.  I love watching my boys interact like that!

Little Brother paying attention while Big Brother reads him a story.

I actually snuck off so I could take a picture from the bleachers of all the reading circles.  Being a reader from my earliest days, seeing so many groups promoting reading, and so many parents bringing their kids to share in the joy of reading, was a wonderful thing.

A sea of reading circles, spreading the joy of reading

Once the boys had all their stickers, we headed inside the Community Center where they had the book table set up.  Teddy looked at the chapter books while Pete looked at the picture book end.  Teddy thought he had his book - a Pokemon book, Coal Badge Battle.  Of course, when Pete saw that Teddy had a Pokemon book, he decided he needed a Pokemon book too.  Knowing the likelihood of them having two different Pokemon books, Teddy agreed to pass his off to his brother and picked up Tethan Battle Adventure #3 (Star Wars: The Clone Wars), a Star Wars Choose Your Own Adventure.  Awesome score for both of them!

Boys and their books...

After that, the boys just had to get their refreshments (popcorn and cotton candy, as well as some water), each made a bookmark and then Teddy decided to get his face painted in a way to perfectly show off the day.

And I love that he loves to read!

As always, it was an awesome day filled with fun for all of us.  I love my boys and love that they are readers, but I love even more that Belmont University puts this on every year.  If you are in or around the Nashville area at the beginning of April next year and have kids sixth grade or below, I definitely recommend checking this out.  Because you'll have an afternoon of awesome reading fun! I know we always do.

PYHO - Good-bye

I'm probably not going to be blogging much for a few days.  My heart just isn't in it.  As much as I want to continue with my challenges, post my pictures, participate in the memes that I love to be a part of and support, I hurt too much right now.

Yesterday afternoon, my mom called to tell me that my aunt, her oldest sister, had been moved to a higher level care facility hospital.  She had double pneumonia and things weren't looking good.  We needed a miracle to hope that she'd come home.  This morning, I found out that a little after two this morning, she left this world.  And, whenever I have a minute to think, I'm in tears. Not just for my own heart ache, but for that of my mother, my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their children.

Of all my aunts and uncles on my mom's side, Aunt Gail was the one I was closest to, in part because she was also one of my mom's best friends.  When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time at Aunt Gail and Uncle Jerry's house.  Sometimes it was because she was keeping an eye on my sister and I if my mom had an appointment.  Sometimes it was because my mom was over visiting with her.  Sometimes it would be because I had something happening after school and I'd go to her house to wait for Mom to come pick me up.

Aunt Gail was always such an open, honest woman.  She would tell you what she thought, but she was never cruel about it.  She was just... honest.  She was there for my whole family, whenever we needed her support.  As my mom has put it, she was the rock of the family. She was the one everyone went to when they felt like they couldn't go it alone.  I remember sitting in her kitchen, talking with her sometimes when school was rough for me.  When my mom and dad were divorcing, she was there for both of them.  She was just always there.

Some of my fondest memories from childhood took place with her, and in her house.  I remember her helping my mom and dad wash our new puppy, Shoe, in her downstairs bathroom.  I remember her being nearby during my first shot at babysitting - watching her first grandchild, Blake.  I remember sitting in her living room, watching cable TV (which we didn't have out at my house outside of town) while she chatted with my mom in the dining room.  I remember her letting me pull old books from the bookshelves to read when I was in elementary school.  I remember watching her fry zucchini and squash that came from her garden in the summer, and knowing that I wanted to learn how to do the same.  I remember sitting at her kitchen table, playing Skip-Bo and Polish Rummy with her and my mom and having so much fun playing with them.  Even now, about half the dreams that I have take place in her house, with her somewhere in the dream.

She hadn't been doing well for awhile.  She'd been in and out of the hospital because of her lungs for the last several years.  Every time, we were afraid that this would be the last time.  But each time, she'd managed to pull through.  But each time, she was a little weaker.  The last time I saw her was a few years ago.  We were up in NY, visiting my mom, and I made a point to stop by briefly and see her.  I think it was the only time she actually met my boys.  I wish I'd made the time when we were up this summer, though I believe she may have been in the hospital then.    I just wish I had one more chance to tell her how much I loved her and how glad I was to have had her in my life.

As I said earlier, my heart breaks more for the other members of my family than it does for myself.  My grandmother, even at almost 90, shouldn't have to bury one of her children.  I know how devastating this has to be for her, though I haven't talked to her yet.  I know that when I saw her this summer and Aunt Gail wasn't doing well, that the thought of losing her was breaking her heart then.  For all that Aunt Gail was 10 years older than my mom, she was still my mom's best friend.  She was the one that my mom talked to when things were rough.  She's the one that would go walking with mom when she wanted to try to get in shape.  When things were good, or when things were bad, I think Aunt Gail was one of the first people my mom called.  I did speak with my mom this morning and, while she was holding it together, I could hear her tears inside.  And I wanted to badly to be there with her so I could hold her and let her cry.  Aunt Gail has four children and 10 (I think) grandchildren.  And I know how close everyone of them was to her.  And I want to be there for them, too.

For the longest time, I wanted to live further away from my family.  I wanted to be away from the drama and the frustration that came from being close by.  I wanted to live my life my way and be able to love my family from a physical distance.  But right now - right now, I want to be there more than I've ever wanted to in my life.  I want to be there for my family, be able to grieve with my family, to hug and be hugged as we all cry for our loss.  Because, for all that I have my husband, my boys and my friends so close by (one of my best friends, Becca, talked me into getting out of the house this morning because she knew it was the best thing for me, and I love her for that), and for all that I'm getting the virtual hugs and condolences, it's not the same. My boys don't remember Aunt Gail.  Rich has only met her once or twice.  And my friends here in Tennessee have never met her. I can't laugh and cry over memories with them the same way I could with my mom or my sister, my grandmother or my cousins.

A part of me wants to yell and scream.  I don't CARE that she'd lived a good life.  I don't CARE that it means she's not hurting any more.  I don't want her gone.  I know that it's selfish, but I don't want my family hurting right now because she's not with us.  I just want to be able to say good-bye one last time and know that she heard me.  Because I don't know if I ever told her just how much I loved her and how much I appreciate her.  And I can't stop crying because it hurts too much.

There's a part of me that likes to think she's not in heaven alone.  My Aunt Cindy passed away a couple years ago, as did my step-mom.  My grandfather left this world 20 years ago.  I know there are others that I think she'd want waiting for her there.  I know that the sorry and heartache I'm feeling now is more for me than for her - I think that she is in whatever her idea of heaven is, and she's not hurting any more.  And I try to make that be enough to soothe my soul.  But right now, it's not.  It won't be for a little while.

So I'll be silent for a little while, i think.  At least until I can stop feeling so selfish and can start thinking outside myself again.  For the condolences that I know will be posted (because I know my readers, and you all have big hearts), thank you in advance.  Even if you don't post the words, but just think them, I thank you.  I just need a few days to finish letting my heart say good-bye.

Daily Challenge - Gaming with My Kids

Yesterday, the Daily Challenge was supposed to be

Play a Board Game with My Kids

And I was planning on doing so.  However, we kind of managed to sabotage that plan by getting a Wii.  Great plans and all that.

See, the boys got a decent amount of Christmas money this year from various family members.  Rich and I decided that we'd offer Teddy the opportunity to turn his Christmas money into a 3DS if he wanted - his birthday is February 13, so we told him we'd pay the difference between what he had in Christmas money and what the cost of the 3DS was.  Much to our surprise, he told us he'd rather have a Wii.  Pete said he wanted one too.  So we told them that if they'd kick in both their Christmas money, we'd make up whatever difference.  We figured we'd pick up some games or whatever as the gifts for Teddy's birthday.

Yesterday, while we were walking around one of the local malls, we decided to stop at GameStop to see if they had a used, older generation Wii.  we didn't want a new one because the newer Wiis don't have the backward capability for the GameCube games.  And since we've got a ton of GameCube games, we wanted something that we could All in One.  Luckily, they had one available, and it was the exact amount of Christmas money the boys had.  We picked up a couple games for them (thanks, in part, to the sale GameStop has going on where you buy one used Wii or DS game and get a second half off) and said, "Happy birthday, Teddy!"

I knew they'd want to play it last night, but I also expected us to get home early enough that I could have the best of both worlds - them getting a bit of Wii time, followed by us having time to pull out a game of Dungeon to play together.  What I hadn't been expecting was a 2 hour wait at the hair salon to get hair cuts.  It was almost 5 by the time we got home.  Between dinner, set up time for the Wii and them having some good play time on it, there wasn't going to be any play time for board games.  So I did what any mom wanting to spend time with her kids would do.  I picked up a controller and played along!

One of the games we picked up was Super Smash Bros Brawl.  We had Super Smash Bros Melee for the GameCube, so we knew it was a game that we'd all enjoy together.  Plus, it had the advantage of being able to use the Game Cube controllers with it as well (and at $30 a pop, picking up extra Wii controllers wasn't something we were able to do at the moment).  The boys had been playing for a little while when I came in and told them I wanted to join in.  Pulling a chair up, I sat between my boys and had a blast!

Our first game, we all played Pokemon trainers.  And, much to my surprise, I actually won our first match!  I still have no idea what I'm doing.  I just keep hitting buttons and hoping I'm not going to throw myself over the edge!  But we were still all having a lot of fun.  From that point forward, Pete stuck pretty much with Kirby, Teddy bounced around, and I chose random because I like the surprise.  One of the best parts of the night was me continually telling Pete, "You aren't supposed to eat Mommy!  That's just mean!"  (For those who aren't familiar with Kirby, that's one of his powers - eating the other players to gain their powers.)  The kids were laughing, I was having a blast and it was one of the most fun nights we'd had in a long time.  I suspect we'll be having many more nights like this.

Unfortunately, since I was involved in playing, I didn't get a chance to get any pictures.  But that's ok.  The fun is more in the playing than in the picture taking.  Today I'll (hopefully) have plenty more chances to take pictures at the Pokemon pre-release tournament.

So what's my challenge for today?  with the day as busy as I have planned, I'm going to pull out one that I should be able to do now, yet is still something I've been wanting to write about for awhile.

Being a Non-Christian Blogger

I've noticed a lot of the bloggers that I enjoy reading are Christian.  And I have no problem with that.  But it sometimes makes me uncomfortable, wondering what they'd think if they knew that I am not Christian.  So it's time for me to talk about my religious beliefs - appropriate, considering the fact that my own family is at Church right now.

Writer's Workshop - Just the Facts

This week, I'm having a bit harder time coming up with what to write about.  None of the topics are speaking to me as much as they do other weeks.  But I love participating in the workshop, and I think it's important to push yourself, even when you aren't as inspired as much as you'd like to be.
So... this week, the five topics are:

1. Last week I opened the opportunity to write an open letter to men with a word of advice, an issue you’d like to address, or a solution to a problem. This week? Hand over the reigns and let your husband write his OWN open letter to women.
2. 5 Random facts about you and your family. (inspired by Nice Girl Notes)
3. The last time you were sick…
4. Write a blog post inspired by the word “red”.
5. Your second grade teacher.

Well, my hubby isn't home, and trying to get him to write anything on my blog (even though I've tried to get him to guest post) is usually a futile request.  Blogging just isn't his thing.  The last time I was sick is pretty boring, so I don't want to go there.  Every time I try to think about blog posts being inspired by a word, "red" flees my head and "sleep" comes in.  And my second grade teacher.... well, I try not to think about her too much if I can help it.  Not one of my favorite ones.  So that leaves 5 facts.

You know, that kind of works out.  If we count my cat, there are five of us here.  One fact per person.  Yup.  I can do this!

1. Me - Let's get me out of the way first.  Then we can get on to the ones you haven't recently read facts about. One of the things that I may have mentioned before, but I didn't in my last list was that I love to sing.  I always have.  When I was little, I used to sing "Baby Face" all the time.  And when my aunt and uncle got married in 1980, they wanted me to sing "Here Comes the Bride".  (My scared self couldn't do it, though.)  Through middle school and high school, I showed my singing aptitude and sang solos during chorus a lot.  One of my proudest singing moments was being able to sing the solo at my senior year baccalaureate.  The other proud moment is the song that I created as a lullaby for my eldest when he was a baby.  Here is a video of him singing it with me.  (No, he didn't get Mama's voice.  But he loves to sing and that's all that matters, right?)

For those curious about the words, they are:

Sleep, my little one, sleep
Close your eyes, my little one, and sleep
Sandman is coming to carry you to dream
Sleep, my little one, sleep
Dream, my little one, dream
Close your eyes, my little one, and dream
Of puppies and kitties and who you're gonna be
Dream, my little one, dream
Pray, my little one, pray
Close your eyes, my little one, and pray
For God to watch o'er you, all of your days
Pray, my little one, pray

2. Rich, my husband - My husband has been a gamer for a long time.  He started playing with his uncle and his father when he was 10 years old.  By the time he hit middle school, he was GMing friends.  He still GMs those same friends whenever they can all get together.  And he's started GMing our boys too.  Pete's not as on top of things yet - he basically likes to roll the dice.  But Teddy's having a good time fighting monsters and winning prizes.  Rich has such a fantastic imagination and can think quickly on his feet, so coming up with scenarios to run people through, or thinking up a new direction to send his players when they go in a different direction than he expected, is something that he excels with.  That imagination, and the willingness to share this with the next generation, is one of the many reasons I love him.

3. Teddy, my oldest - Teddy has been reading since he was 2 1/2 years old.  Ok, you may think that I'm making this up, but I wasn't the first one to hear him read.  I was in the ER when I was pregnant with Pete and my friend, Christie, said she'd keep an eye on Teddy for me so Rich could be with me while we figured out what was going on.  (And, to this day, I still can't remember what it was.) Christie took Teddy out for lunch at Chili's and, when I was out of the hospital and she dropped him off, she asked, "Why didn't you tell me he could read?"  I looked at her like she was nuts.  I mean, he knew his alphabet and he could spell a few words like "cat", but actually read?  She told me that when they were at lunch, he pointed to the word on his bottle of milk and said, "milk".  She didn't believe what she'd heard at first, so she asked him again.  "That says 'milk'," he told her.  (Or something to that effect.)  I had a reader on my hands.  And that wasn't the only time he surprised someone with his reading.  When he was in the 4 year old class in Parents' Day Out, he read to his teacher one day.  They were reading a book about spiders, I think, and the only word that he got wrong was "arachnid".  And even with it, he was close. When I picked him up that day, she asked me the same thing Christie had. "Did you know he can read?!"  Right now, he's in first grade and reading at a 5th grade level.  I'm proud of my little reader.

4.  Peter, my youngest - Pete is an incredibly picky eater.  He's so picky that there are times I'll give him things he probably shouldn't have just because I want to get calories into the boy!  While he's getting better (he's actually branching out from drinking just chocolate milk to drinking other things, and last night he *gasp* ate three cut up pieces of pork chop), I'm still amazed at where this child has come from.  Neither his dad nor I, nor his brother, were picky eaters.  I think he gets it from my sister.  I seem to remember she was a picky eater when she was a kid.  Pete's also very particular when it comes to how he eats his food.  He doesn't want anything touching unless it's supposed to touch (like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Those are ok.)  If he eats a sandwich, it's got to be cut in half and if the crusts aren't cut off, he won't eat them.  He asks for nuggets and fries from fast food places, but the fries are really the only thing he eats.  He might take a bite out of each nugget, but even that's not a given.  One thing that does help with dinner time, however, is Beginner Dinner Games.  We bought this when Teddy was little, and since many of the cards focus on adding fun to eating, it seems to help some.  Some day, we may not even need them to get him to eat!

5. Lemon, my cat - Lemon was a gutter kitty that we adopted when he was 6 months old.  We had just adopted another gutter kitty (Tai) thanks to one of my co-workers who found him near her home but didn't have the room to take him in herself. I'd been wanting a cat for awhile, so it was a great excuse for us to get one.  Then one of Rich's co-workers came in and told him something strange that had happened that morning.  She was getting ready to come in to work and had set her backpack on top of an old coffee table they had on their front porch.  It was the kind with the doors and, after she heard a noise inside after she set her bag down, she bent down to look.  Inside were about half a dozen kittens, shivering in the cold.  She knew she needed to find them homes.  She was able to get two of them inside and washed.  "Oh crap," Rich told her.  "Now I have to tell Amber and she's going to want another cat."  He was right.  Within a few days, he went over to her place and picked up an orange and white cat that we named Lemoncello.  (I had a thing about naming cats after alcohol.  Tai was for Mai Tai.)  Where Tai had been a skittish kitty, Lemon wanted to be everyone's friend.  He was the cat that would snuggle up with his, would play with anything he found on the floor, and we always laughed at his antics.  Tai is no longer with us, but our gutter kitty Lemon still is.  He's 10 years old, so he's slowing down a little.  But there's still all the love that was there the first day we brought him home.

So those are my five facts.  One for each of us.  I hope you enjoyed the facts and the pictures that went along with them.  Come back next week for... well, whatever prompt I decide to answer!

30 Days of Blogging Prompts - Day 3

Today's prompt for 30 Days of Blogging Prompts is

Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents

And since I just talked about me being a parent, it's a good time to go the other way with things and talk about my folks.

First, let me talk about my dad.  I've always been a Daddy's girl.  From the time I was little through today, I've adored him. He's the one that taught me my love for reading, for science fiction and fantasy.  He's the one that listened when times were rough and supported me even when he didn't agree with me.  He taught me how to change a tire and check the fluids in my car, how to drive a stick and that I was worth something even when I thought I wasn't.  He helped me keep secrets from my step-mom when I knew she'd blow her top about something, and hugged me when a boy would break my heart.  He was there on my wedding day and danced with me to "Daddy's Little Girl" by Kippi Brannon.  (Because the lyrics describe my relationship with him perfectly.)

He's still the first one I call when I'm going through a rough patch, and he'll call me when he knows things are rough.  I'm lucky that he lives an hour away, and that he'll still do whatever he can to make his daughter's life a little better.  I'm Daddy's Girl, and wouldn't have it any other way.

My relationship with my mom is a bit different, though no less loving.  Growing up, my mom and I used to butt heads constantly.  We're both way too much a like.  And while I always knew that she loved me, there were times when she didn't like me too much - and now that I'm getting older, I can't really blame her.

It took a long time to have a good relationship with my mom.  I moved from living with her and my sister in NY to living with my dad in Florida when I was 15.  I didn't feel like she was the one I could talk to about things.

But as I got older, and as I became a mom, things changed.  I may not call as often as I should, but I know I CAN call any time, and that she'll be there for me.  She loves me, and her grandkids, and supports me through anything - good or bad.   She taught me a lot - even if it took 20 years for me to learn some of the lessons.  My relationship with her isn't the closest in the world, but that's more because of distance and me being horrible at keeping in touch than anything else.  But the important things are there - she loves me, and she never lets me doubt it for a minute.

Steps to Organization - Chore Chart

This morning, I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things before bringing Teddy to school (since one of the items was something he needed for school).  I did self checkout and paid cash.  Teddy immediately ran to the cash dispenser and took the money out.  But instead of being helpful and handing it to me, he wanted to keep it for himself and got upset when I told him that, no, he wasn't getting the money.  I'm not even sure what he wanted the money for - maybe a snack at lunch time or something like that. Money being as tight as it is this month, I really didn't have it to spare.

By the time we got back to the van, he'd calmed down and that's when he asked a question I hadn't expected.  "Mommy, if I clean my room all by myself, can I get an allowance?"  This is the child that fights me tooth and nail to feed the cat (one of his few regular chores - yeah, I know... he should have been doing more.  That's what this is working toward).  During the short drive to school, I told him that would probably be acceptable, but it would need to be more than just cleaning his room once to get an allowance.

"Like what?"

"Well, feeding the cat without complaining is one thing..."

"What else?"

I thought for a few seconds, a multitude of my hated chores wanting to rush out of my mouth and sit squarely on his shoulders.  But instead, I told him that it was something that Daddy and I needed to talk about before I knew for sure.  That we'd talk about it tonight.

I talked to Rich about it briefly this morning, and we've decided that a $5 allowance a week would be a good amount for him.  And that with this $5 a week allowance, "good boy gifts" (which was a semi-regular occurrence when we went shopping) were going out the window.  He can pay for them himself.  I'm thinking of the same for Pete (though at this point, I'm thinking $3 a week for him will be good).

I'm also thinking of tying Rich and my spending money into our chores.  I'm thinking that it may help to teach the boys that it's not just them that get spending money by helping around the house.  It's all of us can use the help that it would provide to curb spending.

So today I'm tasking myself with getting a chore chart started.  I'm not sure yet if I'm going to actually make/print out the chore charts or if I'm just going to do the prep work, but I do know that I want to do this for the whole family.  I'm working hard at trying to stay organized, and I'm getting frustrated with having to go behind everyone to do things that they are able to do perfectly themselves (laundry off the floor, paper plates in the trash, dishes in the kitchen).  Yes, I'm the stay at home mom, but that doesn't mean I should do all of it by myself.

Along with writing out what chores each person needs to do, I'm trying to decide how to create the chart.  I've been looking at various chore charts online and pinning them to my organization and parenting boards on Pintrest for ideas.  There are a lot of create ones out there.  But they ultimately come down to money and creative ability.  I don't really want to reprint a chart every week and, while I think a white board would be a great way to go, I don't have the money to purchase one large enough right now.  I do have one thing I can possibly reuse already, but there really isn't the room to add the various things that need to be added.  So I'm  looking at various options for how to create as well as what will be on it.

So, dear readers, what are your thoughts on Chore Charts?  More trouble than it's worth?  A godsend?  What works for you and what doesn't.  I'm always open for ideas!

Memories, and Wishes

I grew up in the middle of nowhere.  A small town that you've probably never heard of in New York, about 15 minutes from the Pennsylvania border and about two hours from New York City.  I lived about 4 miles outside of town on (I think) 100 acres.  We couldn't see our neighbors, had plenty of fields and forest to play in. It was a great place to grow up and to use your imagination.  My sister and I would turn our front yard into a castle with the area between the hedges and the driveway our secret passage to make our way to other parts of our domain.  We would climb up into the large tree in our backyard, or sit on the large rock that sloped underneath it.  During the winter, we'd make paths through the snow, snowmen at the edge of the hill to greet people passing on the road below, and snow angels throughout the fields.  In spring, we'd find little strawberries to pick throughout our yard.  Rarely did enough make it into the house, because I ate almost as many as I picked.  Our front porch saw my attempts at roller skating, and many splinters from the wood found their way into my skin.

But my favorite time of year was the summer.  My grandparents owned the valley below me and it seemed like all the property in the world belonged to them.  They had a converted trailer that they lived in, a wonderful combination of prefab and rustic wood.  Also in the valley was the old home they'd lived in, now owned by my dad's youngest brother and his wife (my Uncle Johnny and Aunt Laura, who were wonderfully wild and crazy... and honestly, still are).  There currant bushes by my aunt and uncle's place, a garden near my grandparents, a pong within easy walking distance, and huge field that was made for running and playing in.  Summer wasn't the only time I'd visit there - it was a regular place for me to be.  But summer was when my cousins came to stay for what seemed like the whole summer.  My cousin Jennie was a couple years older than me, and I wanted to be just like her.  I followed her everywhere and she never seemed to mind.  She, her sister Dawn (who was in between my sister and I age-wise), my sister and I would pretend to be Charlie's Angels (a show I never got to watch because we didn't get the station it was on, but which I would play anyway because it was so much fun playing with my cousins).  We would pretend to swim in shark infested waters, pulling ourselves to safety on the "raft" (which was, in reality, the platform that my grandmother had to reach the clothesline).  When we were older, we'd spend time in the camper that they'd sleep in, talking and chatting and just having the kind of fun that cousins do.  And while I can't remember any specifics, I remember it being a happy time in my life.

This past week and a half, I've been reminded how special cousin time is.  We've driven from Nashville to NJ and NY to spend time with our families and I've gotten to watch my boys have cousin time.  For a week, they played with their cousin, Layla (my sister-in-law's daughter) at the beach in Ocean City.  Teddy got to be the "big cousin", occasionally leading his brother and younger cousin in play.  Though more often, it was Pete and Layla having fun together, playing games that only they seemed to know the rules to. This was a glimpse into my husband's childhood.

Then came the trip to the small town in New York that I'd called home.  And I sat outside of both my mother's and my sister's homes, watching the four cousins play in similar ways to how my sister and I had.  Oh, the games were different - they were playing Mario where Deni and I had played Dukes of Hazzard.  But the imagination was still there.  And sometimes, Teddy and his older cousin Gabe would dive into their electronics together while Pete and Mikayla (only a month apart in age) would take turns deciding what to play together.  And as I watched them, I was brought back in time 30 years.

A part of me wishes we lived closer.  I want to see my kids and my sister's, as well as my kids and Rich's sisters', grow up together.  I want to see them know each other year round rather than for a few days or a week once a year.  I want them to know what it's like to have cousins that you grow up with, cousins that you can talk to regularly.  And barring that, I want to be able to visit for more than just a few days or a week.  I want them to be together for what feels like the whole summer and hate having to go back to school because it means the end of the fun with their family.  But it's not practical.  We don't have the money to travel for that long and, at least in the case of my family, they don't have the room to put us up for that long.  So I try to take as many pictures as I can, and try to let them make the most of the time they do have together.  Because they deserve the same kind of memories, and, hopefully, will want the same thing for their own kids when they get older.

Tuesday Coffee Chat - Legacies

I've recently discovered Les (or RoryBore) at Time Out for Mom (and I've loved reading her blog because she's so much fun).  On Tuesdays, she does a little coffee chat with a different topic each week.  This week, brought on by the many family reunions she's been to this summer, she wants us to talk about legacies and why family matters.
Let me take a sip of my coffee (Irish Cream flavored creamer, no sugar), then get started with what I wanted to talk about.
I don't remember the last time my family had a reunion.  I can't remember ever having one on my dad's side, and my mom's was, (not counting weddings and the like) while Rich and I were still dating.  And I can't remember any family reunions for Rich's family, though his immediate family (out to the cousins on his dad's side) get together pretty regularly for other things.
Still, when we know about a wedding or some other special event, we do our best to drive from Tennessee to New Jersey or New York.  Because being there to help celebrate (or to help mourn, in the case of funerals) is important.  It's important to let your family know that you are there for them, and that you love them.
I'm also hoping to teach them that family doesn't come just through blood.  Family is friends too, and they are as important as your blood relatives.  Sometimes, they can be even more important.  They are the family that you choose.  I have some relatives that are technically blood, but I haven't seen them in 25 years or more.  I don't know if we'd even have anything in common.  But I have friends that I would go to the ends of the earth for, because they mean that much to me.  Those friends are just as important as family.
I hope that they learn from me that being different is okay.  The other day, Teddy said that two men couldn't get married, and I told him that it's becoming legal in a lot of places (though Tennessee isn't yet so enlightened) and there's nothing wrong with them doing so because they love each other.  "But they can't have babies," he returned.  So we started talking about adoption.  I want my boys to know that the world is a wide, wide place with different views, different ways of doing things and different ways of being.  And that's ok.  As long as no one is hurting someone else, then different views can be refreshing.
When I pass from this world, I want my boys to automatically think of kindness as their first option when confronted with a problem, to know that there is no such thing as a man's job or a woman's job, and the believe in the inherent goodness in those they meet.  I want them to think things through before they do something and to learn how love without reservation.
If I can leave them with these things, I'll consider my job as a mom complete.

My Shoulders Aren't That Big

There have been so many things going on in my family, health-wise, which is alternately making me feel stressed and overwhelmed and guilty.

First, there's the situation with my Dad.  He had his fifth (I believe) back surgery on April 25th.  He was supposed to have a very long period of time in the hospital, which was to include his rehab time.  His doctor, before he went in for the surgery, said that he'd be in the hospital at least a month.  So we were all pretty surprised when we found out that he was slated to come home on May 12th.  We questioned the doctors and the rehab folks, but they all said that he was ready.  But he wasn't.

I drove him home that afternoon (after hours of waiting for him to be released because the left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing) and he was in a lot of pain.  I had to leave fairly quickly - Dad lives about 75 minutes away from me and I had responsibilities at home.  My sister-in-law and her mom (who rents a room from my Dad) helped get him settled and we expected things to go fairly well.  Unfortunately, I got a call the next evening asking me to come out for the weekend.  Dad was falling again.  And he was very confused and hallucinating.  It was pretty bad.  My sister-in-law had back surgery the same day as my Dad, so she was out of the running to be able to help him out.  The call came as we were on our way home from dinner celebrating Teddy's graduation, so I pretty much packed a bag and headed out.

A weekend ended up being almost a month.  Dad wasn't getting any better and he really couldn't be left alone.  Rich came up with the boys on Sunday (since there was no one at home that could watch them while he was at work) and the boys and I set up camp at Dad's for almost a month.  We found out that some of his problem was that he'd been given too weak of pain meds.  We went to see the back doctor the first week I was there and he prescribed something stronger.  It seemed to help a lot.  At least, the hallucinations are gone.

He'd been getting a bit better while I was there.  He was still confused sometimes, but I was forcing him to get out of bed regularly.  I stood there, sometimes for half an hour, reminding him that he had to get up.  I pushed him to do as much for himself as he could.  I cajoled him into doing the exercises he needed to do to get feeling better.  And for awhile, it seemed to be working.

Then, the weekend before I was supposed to leave, the confusion started getting worse again.  He started falling again.  And, as much as I wanted to be able to help more, I had to leave to come home.  The boys were starting PDO on June 8th and I wasn't going to have them miss that.  Plus, Rich had some things coming up that I needed to be home for (more on that in a little bit).  And, I'll admit it.  I missed my own bed and being able to see my husband every night.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But I wanted to be home.

I haven't been home for a week, and Dad's sliding again.  My sister-in-law (who, along with my brother, nieces and nephews, moved in to help out) has called me several times this week about Dad.  He's getting more confused.  He's not eating.  He's not refusing to get out of bed.  He's not drinking or urinating nearly enough.  And his falls are getting more frequent.  She's keeping me in the loop, in part because he's my Dad, and in part because she wants to know how I can help.

Tonight, she called to let me know that she'll be calling his primary care doctor tomorrow.  With all the things happening with Dad, I think it's a good idea.  The problem is, I'm the only one that can drive him.  My sister-in-law is still healing, my brother has medical issues that keep him from driving, and my sister-in-law's mom doesn't have her TN license yet.  So I need to drive 75 minutes to pick him up, bring him back to Nashville for his appointments, drive him back home, then 75 minutes back to my house.  I'm going to be with Dad, taking him back and forth to doctor's appointments all day on Thursday.  And I hope this is when they can fit in an appointment with his PCP.  Because I don't know if I can do it otherwise.  This week is going to be hell when it comes to scheduling.  Here's a brief look:

Monday: Storytime, 10:30 am
              Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Tuesday: Eye doctor's appointment for Teddy, 8:45am
               Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Wednesday: PDO for Teddy & Peter, 9am to 2pm
                Therapy appointment for me, 1pm
                Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Thursday: Doctor's appointment for Dad, 10:30am
                Doctor's appointment for Dad, 1pm
                Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm
Friday: PDO for Teddy & Peter, 9am to 2pm
           Vacation Bible School for Teddy, 5:30pm to 8:30pm

Rich doesn't have classes to teach or any tutoring this week, but he also doesn't get home until just about 5:30.  And we've got a lot of cleaning to do because my mother-in-law is coming down from NJ on Sunday.  Saturday, we're going out to my Dad's for a combination birthday party for Rich and my sister-in-law's mom, plus Father's Day.  So that'll be busy there.  I've got a lot on my plate this upcoming week and I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to fit everything in.

Add on top of all of this the things going on with Rich medically.

Back in April, Rich went in for a routine colonoscopy.  He had a family history of colon cancer, so they started checking him early, every 5 years.  They found a polyp this time around, but the doctor said it didn't look cancerous to him.  He was wrong.  It was cancerous and there was no healthy cells between the cancer and the end of the polyp.  So they couldn't be sure they removed it all.

This brought us to a surgeon.  He basically told us we had three options: we could do nothing and hope that they'd gotten it all; we could remove a portion of the colon around where the polyp was found; or we could remove the whole colon.  He was pushing for a full removal, because he's seen far too many patients that have come back in a year only to have more cancer further into the colon, and it be far more aggressive.  But it's not an option Rich feels comfortable with.  His family history leads us to believe that, even if the cancer returns, it won't be aggressive.  I'm hoping he's right.

We also found out that Rich has a genetic anomaly that makes gastrointestinal cancers much more likely.  Because of this, we also needed to schedule an upper GI scope as well.  There is the possibility of him having cancer there as well.  He had that done on Friday.  The doctor again found a polyp (this one much, MUCH smaller than the last and in the stomach) and is again sure that it's not cancer.  But it's being biopsied just in case.

The colon surgery is scheduled for a week from Tuesday, June 21st.  They'll be doing the surgery laproscopically, but he'll still be in the hospital for a few days.  Then he'll be home anywhere from a couple weeks to a month in recovery.  He's got 2 weeks of sick and vacation pay left, and short term disability doesn't kick in until after 30 days.  We have a bit in savings, and we're hoping that will help get us through.  But this is why my MIL is coming down.  She's going to help keep an eye on the kids, help keep things running at home while I'm trying to be with Rich as much as possible during his hospital stay.  My nephew will be coming down to help the first week of July - the week that the boys have off of PDO.  I'm definitely going to have some help with this.

But I'm still worried.  Because what if my Dad needs me?  How can I decide between my husband and my father - not that either of them would ask me to make that choice, but with the situation happening with both of them, I can see something coming up where I need to be with both of them at the same time.  And I'm going to end up feeling like shit because I can't be there for both of them.

So... yeah.  This is what's been weighing on my mind lately.  I feel like I need to be Superwoman, but I'm woefully unprepared for the part.  I know that I'll make it through all the health issues in my family, most likely with my sanity intact.  But right now, I'm just feeling a bit strained.

What I Know For Sure - MamaKat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop

While I was reading C.Mom's blog today, I came across her post for MamaKat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop, I Know.  And since I'm always trying to find new things to write about and new blog prompts to follow, I thought, "Why not?"

For those who haven't been over to Mama's Losin' It and participated in her prompts, the concept is simple (though more info can be found in the link above).  Every week, you are sent 5 prompts.  Choose one to write about, and on Thursday, she'll put a post in her blog for you to link to.  I just signed up for the e-mails with the prompts, but since she has the prompts listed in the blog today, I chose to participate this week as well.  And, like C. Mom, I'm choosing to write about What I know.

Once again, back in the saddle

The last several weeks have been insane.  Between Teddy's birthday weekend and an unexpected trip to Philly/NJ for a funeral, I have barely had a chance to breath let alone get anything done.  While there is still a lot of chaos around me, I'm trying to feel revitalized enough to get everything done.  I'm still trying to come up with a plan of attack... I have some ideas, but I really need to sit down and write them out.  I need to come up with something to keep everything in as well.  I'm getting ready to head out for several errands, including running to Wal-Mart, so I may be able to find something that will help me out.  And tonight, Rich is taking the boys out to go shopping for my birthday (am I seriously going to be 37 on Friday?  Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so I might be able to get some of my organization done then.

I'm still staying about the same in the weight department.  I think I need to revamp my goals again, but that shouldn't be too difficult.  I'm still determined that I'm going to make the changes that I need to to be healthy.  The weather has been nicer, so I might be able to get out and walk more.  I bought another new pedometer - the one that I got with the DS program had the hook break off so it won't stay on my hip/shoe/whatever, and it doesn't do well in my pocket.  But the new one doesn't seem to be working right either.  I'll figure something out.  When I'm out at the store today, I'm going to pick up some more fruit so I have some healthier options for snacking.

I'm pretty behind in Swap-Bot again, in large part because of the trip to the NE.  I think tomorrow is going to be a Focus on Swap-Bot day.  Kids should be in PDO, so that should give me some time for taking care of things without the boys driving me insane.  I'm hoping to have everything back to normal on that end by the weekend.  We'll see how it goes, though.

I still have a lot of backlog with writing book reviews as well.  I'm going to write that up on a list as well, for the various things that I need to do.  That crosses over into Swap-Bot, since one of the swaps I'm in is a book log for the first quarter of 2011.  It shouldn't be too difficult, though, since most of the books I've read are graphic novels.  I did, however, listen to a couple of audio books on the trip, so those will count as well.

I have a grand plan for cleaning.  Rather than focus on a room at a time, I'm going to focus on a section of a room at a time.  The rest of the house might be a mess, but that isn't to worry about right now.  Instead, I'm going to start at one corner of the apartment - specifically, the far left corner in the kitchen.  I'm going to clean and organize from that point forward until I feel finished for the day, then I'm going to quit.  The next day, I can pick up from that point.  While I go, I'm also going to decorate - pictures on walls, things like that.  I won't have to be stressed because I don't have a specific amount that needs to be done daily, but I'll still be able to see progress.

There's fun worked in here as well.  Yesterday, before we got home, we stopped by GameStop to pick up our reserved copies of Pokemon: Black and Pokemon: White.  It's pretty cool because everything is brand new - new area, completely new pokemon, and I've been avoiding spoiling myself so I don't know what will be coming up.  Along with Pokemon, I'm finally downloading WoW to the new computer (which came in right before the trip to the NE).  So I'm going to make some time for that as well.  After all, I'm paying for it, I might as well use it.

I'm getting back into a few other things as well.  I finally got the 1st disc of Season 4 of Dexter, so I'm catching up on that.  I'm hoping that disc 2 will be in soon.  I'm also getting ready to start season 5 of Teen Titans.  I just have to send the latest disc back to Netflix.  We listened to Book 5 of The 39 Clues on the trip back and have decided that we really want to get back into those, so I have the first several of those on hold at the library.  Rather than spending a lot of TV time, we're planning on spending a lot of Audio Book time in the evenings.  It'll be nice, I think.  Plus, I need to make a trip back to Rick's Comic City to pick up a few new comics.  I haven't gotten a box yet, but I'm still thinking about it.  I could use more Green Arrow.

Speaking of which, Barnes & Noble is doing an online promotion of buy 3 get the 4th free on their graphic novels.  I'm debating picking up some.  I have a $20 gift card for B&N anyway, so it would be a good thing to buy.  I just have to decide what I want to get.

Re: the trip to Philly... for all that we saw family for a sad reason (my husband's grandmother's funeral), it was actually a pretty good visit.  We got to spend time with family and got to have fun with the boys.  I got quite a few cute pics of the boys and various members of the family, and I'm hoping to get those up on Picasa and/or Facebook next week.  I've got a few things that I'm hoping to put into the scrapbook as well.  That's another thing that needs to go onto my To Do list.

We'll be making another trip north this summer.  My in-laws have rented a house on the Jersey shore and we'll be there for a week.  We're hoping to go up to NY to spend time with my family as well.  I'm also hoping that we might be able to include a few days of visiting in Philly with friends and maybe making an extra stop or two at places in VA that we've been wanting to check out (including a super huge book sale that goes on 6 or 7 times a year).

It definitely looks like things are going to be keeping busy.  And that's good.  I need to keep busy.  Especially because Teddy will be starting Kindergarten in the fall.  And if I'm busy, I won't have to think about my little boy becoming a big one! :D

Now I'd better get going and run some errands.  Just too much going on and we all have to start somewhere!  :)

Have a great Fat Tuesday, all!