Pour Your Heart Out - Finding What Works

Today was another rough day with Peter.  It started this morning when I told him it was time to get dressed.  He was watching a Pokemon video and didn't want to stop.  I warned him that if he didn't go pick out clothes and get dressed, I'd turn the video off.  He refused and the video went off.  And that's when the fit started.  Yelling. Screaming. Crying. Hitting.  Acting more like a two year old than a four and a half year old. I spanked him.  I chased him up the stairs.  I eventually picked out his clothes and told him that, because of his behavior, he wasn't having the video turned back on before going to school.  He still got angry and I had to forcibly dress him.  Of course, he still wanted his "movie" back on and got angrier when I didn't do it. Finally, I calmed myself down and had him sit on my lap.  I reminded him that I could't understand him when he cried and talked.  No one can.  I got him calm.  Then I told him that we were leaving in 10 minutes and that, no, he wouldn't have his video on before that.  But if he was good at school today, I would let him watch it when he got home.  Finally, he agreed, got his shoes and became the happy boy that I know is in there. On the way to school, we talked about vegetables.  He wants to plant some this spring.  I have a smaller planter and have been meaning, for several years now, to plant something so we can have fresh veggies at least part of the year without having to have the money to pay for them.  We talked about different vegetables that could go in salads and my son decided that he wanted all of them planted.  Not all, I assured him, but some.  Things were going really well when we walked in the door, still talking about vegetables and salads. I don't know why things went wrong from there.  He had the sillies, maybe.  But when we got to his hook to put up his things, he started acting like a goof.  Hitting his head back into the handle of his backpack and saying "Ow."  Pretending he couldn't put things away.  His teacher came out to help and told him that she wasn't going to have the nonsense from him today.  Which just made him mad.  We finally got him to put his stuff up, and he crossed his arms and I knew, I just knew, it was going to be a rough day.  I sat down and had him look at me.  I reminded him that he needed to be good and listen to Miss Kim if he wanted to watch Pokemon when he got home.  I asked him if he understood, he said yes, but still walked into the room with his arms crossed. I ran my (very brief) errand of going to the grocery store and was trying to decide if I had the energy to blog after all when my phone rang.  It was the name of the church that he has PDO at.  My heart sank. I knew what it was.  There was no other reason the director would be calling me.  And I was right.  Pete refused to pay attention to Miss Kim, having attitude when he was asked to do anything, or even flat out refusing to do so.  Laughing at her when she tried to discipline him.  So with tears in my eyes, I went to pick him up. I walked in and told him that I was not happy with him.  That we were going home and he was not watching TV.  He was being punished because I had to pick him up for misbehavior.  I talked with his teacher and, once again, ended up in tears.  I can't blame her for being frustrated with him.  He's 4 1/2.  He shouldn't be acting like this.  None of her other students do.  Teddy never did.  So it came as no surprise when she told me that if we can't figure out what will get him to behave, that they may have to ask him to stop coming.  (Though the director assures me that we'll do everything in our power to find that.  She doesn't want to give up on him.  And for that, I'm grateful.) Pete and I talked in the car.  He knew I was upset, and he knew why I was upset.  He knew that if he didn't stop misbehaving, he would be told he couldn't come back and be with his friends.  And he knew that neither of us wanted that.  I told him that we were going home.  I would not turn on the TV for him today.  When we got home, we would work on the worksheet he refused to do at school.  He would eat his lunch and then we would both lay down and take a nap.  He was very subdued as we drove home.
His pep came back as we pulled up in front of the apartment, though.  He started to try being silly as he got out of the van, but I reminded him that it was what got him in trouble earlier.  So a little of the silliness stayed, just enough to make him happy.  He put his jacket and bags up as soon as we got in the house, then came right to the kitchen table with me to work on his worksheet.  He listened to me and did what he was supposed to.  I got to help teach him.  Then lunch (which he ate all up) and finally, nap time.  No fighting, no screaming, no yelling.  And he napped for almost 3 1/2 hours.
He just woke up now, coming downstairs happy, no Plo in his hands, no thumb in his mouth, smiling.  He told me he had a good nap.  He sat on my lap and told me his truth for the day, "Sometimes monsters come out of closets and sometimes they don't."  He snuggled me for a few minutes before I sent him off to play with his toys.  "Teddy'll be home soon, right?" he asked, and walked away smiling when I assured him he would.
There are going to be some changes around here from now on.  Things that I'm hoping will work to make it easier here and easier at school.  No more TV on all the time.  (And no more tons-of-computer time for Teddy either.)  I'm going to pull out the Preschool workbook he has and make sure to work on it with him every day.  We're going to practice his letters, his numbers and everything else we can work on.  We're going to have Mommy and Peter play time every day.  If the weather cooperates, we're going to spend more time outside.  There's a play area here in the complex (though I don't care much for it) and plenty of playgrounds in the vicinity. We're going to have afternoon naps again, because it makes a difference for him. And we're contacting a group called RIP (Regional Intervention Program) that is set up for exactly these kinds of problems.
I'm afraid that so much of this is my fault.  That I haven't been doing the things with Teddy that I did with him and that I'm shorting him for it.  I know that it's not too late to have him learn how to behave.  I know that I'll be able, with help, to find the things that work for him.  He's not hopeless, and neither am I.  It's just a matter of finding what works to bring out the best in both of us.

My happy boy, playing with his toys

Back with the Five Question Friday!

It's been awhile since I've done... well, much of anything.  It feels good to get back to some of my old favorite memes, sharing things I probably wouldn't even think to talk about otherwise.  Today sees my return to Five Question Friday, hosted by Mama M over at My Little Life.  Feel free to join along with the weekly questions.  Just follow the link and add your blog post to the list.
Now, for some answers.

1. What do you enjoy doing the most with your spouse?
   
   This will probably sound weird, but playing a computer game together. I don't mean something like both of us raiding on WoW from our separate computers, but both of us sitting in front of the same computer, working on a hidden object game. One of us will have the "controls" (keyboard and mouse) and the other will point out objects, help solve puzzles... whatever we can find that works. It's a relaxing time for us (most of the time) and it's sharing something together.
   
2. How do you eat your taco? From the top or from the side?
   
   
   
   From the side, of course. Top down means that I wouldn't get all the flavors mixed together the same way I do when eating it from the side.
   
   
   
3. Have you ever shut off the basement light and ran like a fool because you knew someone was down there and would get you?
   
   No, but only because I've never lived in a house with a basement. In NY, we lived in a trailer and in Florida, they don't have basements because the ground isn't right for them. From the time I left college, I've always lived in apartments where I didn't control the lights. All that being said, if I DID have a basement, I can totally see myself doing this.
   
   
   
4. If you could change one thing about you what would it be and why?
   
   
   
   This is an easy question. I would get rid of my depression. I've been fighting it for more than 20 years and I'm tired of fighting it. I hate the mornings when I can barely force myself out of bed, when I can't even force myself to deal with my boys. I hate feeling like things are never going to get better and that I'm a useless lump of nothing. I want to feel good about myself more often than not, to not feel anxious about everything all the time. I just want to be "normal".
   
   
   
5. What age do you think is appropriate to have the "bird and the bees" talk with your children?
   
   
   
   It depends on the kids in question. With Teddy, I suspect it will be soon because he's so curious and he's been asking some questions. With Pete... who knows. But what I'm trying to use as my guide is when they ask questions, answering them honestly. I want my kids to know they can come to me with questions. Though, to be honest, there have been a few questions where I've punted them to Daddy because I just don't know the best way to answer a 6 year old boy. :)
   

How Would You Handle This?

I've had a situation tonight that I just need to vent about and maybe, just maybe, get some insight into how I could have handled this.  So please, leave your thoughts on this in the comments section because I'd really like your input.

The Situation, and How I Handled It


It is actually a multi-part situation, starting when Teddy got home from school.  He came in the door, relatively happy, and asked for something to eat.  I told him I'd peel a Cutie for him, but he said he didn't want that.  He wanted a fruit snack.  In his mind, a fruit snack was as good as fruit.  I told him that no, a fruit snack wasn't fruit, even though it has the word fruit in it's name.  I tried to remind him that we're trying to eat healthier now.  His response was to throw shoes and toys at me, run up to me to head-butt me, and try to knock me off balance.  With each thing he did, I escalated punishment: No electronics, no dessert, taking away his brand new Angry Bird, sending him to bed early.  I told him to go sit on the stairs, yet the yelling and hitting and throwing continued until I took a step toward him.  Only then did he do what he was told.

This is when I stopped and took a breath.  I knew that I'd been making the situation worse rather than getting him to calm down.  Escalating punishments don't work with him.  But sometimes I get anger locked.  So I took a deep breath and sat on the step below him.  I explained, as calmly and as understandingly as I could, why I preferred him to have a clementine rather than the fruit snacks - the fruit snacks aren't as healthy as the fruit is, the fruit snacks are a "sometimes" food, saved for lunches rather than after school snacks (he gets both a packet of fruit snacks and a clementine for lunch, along with his sandwich and drink).  I don't know if he understood what I was saying - it's hard for a 5 year old to understand that "fruit snack" is more a clever marketing ploy than it is gospel truth.  But I did also tell him that I'd overreacted by putting so many punishments on him, and that I was (for the moment) bringing it back to just one.

Initially, I said "no electronics", but then remembered the package that came in the mail today. We'd bought Teddy a used DS (so we could have our own DS's back) for his birthday and were considering giving it to him as an early birthday gift (so we could have our own DS's back sooner).  If Rich decided he wanted to give it to him tonight, I didn't want to put the kibosh on that.  So I changed it to no dessert instead.  There was some wailing and gnashing of teeth at that - he really wanted the last of the pistachio ice cream.  But finally he accepted it.

Before I had a chance to come back to the computer (finishing some maintenance for my other two blogs), he'd run in here to get on the computer.  Because, obviously, Mommy saying that electronics weren't taken away meant he had the right to be on the computer right at that moment.  I told him that he needed to finish up a few things first, and then I would let him be on the computer.  He wasn't happy with it, but this house isn't a democracy... or even if it were, he's not of voting age yet.  Three or four times, within 10 minutes, he came in asking, "Can I use the computer now?"  And each time I told him that he needed to be patient, I was still finishing up what I was in the middle of.

The last time he got this answer, he laid down on the floor and switched off the power strip that all of the computer equipment is plugged into.  I don't have a battery backup.  So everything I was working on went away. (Thankfully for auto-save, I didn't have to reconstruct too much once the computer was back up and running.)  Immediately, I told him that he'd lost computer privileges for the rest of the day.  No computer, no DS, no GameBoy, no choosing what was on the television.  No electronics, period.  "But, Mommy," he cried, "I just wanted to find out what it would do!"  He's smart enough to know what it does, since it looks exactly like the one in the living room that his brother turns on and off, plunging us into darkness.

I was hot.  Very hot.  I told him to go upstairs to his room.  I needed time to calm down.  But within a minute, I heard him coming back downstairs.  "I want an orange, Mommy."  Too late.  Back to your room.  There was quite a bit of this back and forth, including threats that he'd be in bed for the rest of the night.  Once I got calmed down, I told him (since this time he'd actually made it downstairs) that Daddy and I would talk about it when he got home, but he needed to stay in his room until Daddy got home.  He misunderstood it to mean that he would stay downstairs until Daddy got home and became very angry when I told him to go upstairs... multiple times.

This time, my limit was reached.  Because in his anger, he came into the dining room and toppled over our recycling bins.  We've got a two-tiered set that also is a bit of a catch-all for stuff, so there was a lot that went spilling all over the floor when he pushed it down.  I told him to get upstairs and that he was going to be in bed for the rest of the night.  I did NOT want to see him, hear from him or even know he existed for the rest of the night.

Of course, he doesn't stay where he's supposed to.  He's five.  Following directions still isn't high on their priority list.  While I was cleaning up the mess (which also gave me a good excuse to weed through a few of the things as I'd been meaning to all week), he came downstairs again.  With tears in his eyes, he told me, "But Mommy, I was going to clean it up."  At this point, I was still too angry.  I knew that having him clean up his own mess SHOULD have been what I had him do.  But I needed the activity to get myself back under control.  I told him that he needed to go back upstairs to his room.

He's only been downstairs one time since then and that was only partway down the stairs.  It was to apologize to me for knocking over the recycling bin.  I accepted his apology and told him that he needed to go back upstairs.  When Daddy got home, we'd all talk about it.  And right now, Daddy's home, so it's time to talk.

But before I go, I want to ask.... how would you have handled this?

Adventures in Potty Training

Pete's been in pull-ups for... well, probably close to a year.  When we first put him in pull-ups, he had seemed really excited about potty training, but that didn't last long at all.  Occasionally, he'd want to be on the potty but more often than not, he would use his diaper.

The last few weeks have been a bit more of a change, though.  He's really seemed more interested in going on the potty.  It was still more passive than active - going when Mommy, Daddy or Teddy had to use the bathroom rather than deciding he needed to go on his own.  He didn't do anything when he sat on the potty, but at least he was acting like he wanted to try.

Fast forward to today.  I was sitting on the computer, going through my (tons of) e-mail when I heard him say, "Oh no!" and he started running.  I followed him into the bathroom and he looked at me and said, "Mommy, I gotta go potty! Help!"  He was going to use the big potty and pee standing up.  So I helped him pull his little potty over to use as a step-stool, lifted the lid and tried to be encouraging.  He got a bit frustrated because nothing was happening. "I can't goooooo, Mommy!"  Then he decided to try going poo-poo instead.  Of course, he was going to sit down without the seat down, so there was a quick interruption there when I helped him get settled on the potty.

He still didn't do anything, but that doesn't worry me.  The important this is that he decided - on his own - that he needed to go potty.  I think he's getting tired of diapers. And I think he likes, in his words, "wipin' [his] butt".  He actually took one of the flushable wipes to use, put it in the potty when he was done and then flushed it.

He got his tootsie roll for sitting on the potty and when I handed it to him, he said, "Awesome!"

Personally, I think HE's the awesome one.

Give Aways Galore

No, not me.  I haven't teamed up with anyone that wants me to do giveaways here.  (Though if any of my readers have something they think would be great to giveaway on my blog - a book you'd like me to read, a product you'd like me to try - just drop me a line!)

But there are a lot of great giveaways out there.  Come check out some of the ones that I've put my name in the hat for.

On Cami's Books, she's giving away a copy of Bloodbourne by Gregg Luke.  You need to be subscribed to her blog and comment to enter, but there are extra entries for posting to Facebook or Twitter, as well as for putting a link to the giveaway in your blog or on your sidebar.  The giveaway ends September 12th.

At Our Ordinary Life, she's giving away a DXG Luxe Collection  Camcorder.  The main way to enter is to comment and tell her which other camera from DXG would fit your lifestyle, as well as the way you use cameras and taking video.  But there are also a ton of other ways to get extra entries.  You can become a fan of DXG on Facebook, Blog about it on your own blog (gets you five entries), grab her banner for another entry, subscribe to her blog (which is a fantastic blog that I love to read!), tweet and follow her on twitter, follow her through Google Friend Connect and follow her on Facebook, tweet daily for an extra giveaway, Like Our Ordinary Life on Facebook, use the tweet button to tweet the post, list the giveaway on a contest site and comment on a non-giveaway post.  Yep, she's got a lot of ways to get a lot of extra entries!  All the links you'll need are in the post, so follow my link to the post above and check it out!  The giveaway ends September 30th.

Midnight Mommy is giving away a Double Gusset Pocket Cloth Diaper in thanks for her 450 followers.  There are lots of ways to enter - following her, tweeting about the giveaway, grabbing her button.  Tons of them that can give you a chance for this win!  I won't be joining this one, since we're getting closer every day to getting Pete out of diapers.  But I know I have a lot of green parents that this would appeal to that read my blog.  So go check it out!  The giveaway ends October 1st.

Book & Movie Dimension is giving away a copy of RJ Gonzales' book, Mundahlia, the first book in The Mundahlian Era series. To enter, follow the blog through GFC and comment with your GFC name.  You can get extra entries by following RJ Gonzales on Facebook, by following his blog or by adding the button for either Book & Movie Dimensions or RJ Gonzales to your blog.  I've done all of them, I think.  Being the reader that I am, how could I do less?  The giveaway ends Septmeber 16th.


I'm sure there are a lot of other great giveaways around.  If you have one that you'd like me to add for my next Giveaway post, please drop me a line pointing toward it.  I'm going to try to do this kind of a post once or twice a week.  Because, even if it may lessen my chances to win a great prize, I can't keep these goodies to myself!

Wildcard Wednesday - Kindergarten Open House

Last night, Teddy's school had a Kindergarten Open House so the parents could meet the teachers, find out a bit more info regarding the school in general and the teacher specifically, as well as let the kids get an idea what their classroom looks like.  It started at 6, but I don't think it was too well publicized.  I only found it because I happened to be checking something on their website regarding the kindergarten teachers.  Being at 6:00, Rich was able to come as well.

We got a little lost looking for Teddy's kindergarten classroom.  There's a large bunch of them together and a few over by the office.  Teddy's classroom, of course, is by the office.  But once we found it, we got to meet his kindergarten teacher and take a look around the classroom.  It a very bright classroom and one that I think Teddy's going to love being in.  After a few minutes, the principal and a few others came on the CCTV to introduce themselves and tell us a little about the school.  Then the teacher got her turn to tell us about her classroom.

We ran into a small problem ourselves because Pete has yet to figure out the meaning of the word "quiet".  While everyone was trying to listen to the principal and the teacher, he was babbling away as loudly as possible.  Rich ended up having to take him back to the car.  And he wasn't too happy with it.  I tried to remember as much as possible to tell him when we were finished.

But the upshot is, I like Teddy's teacher.  From what I saw and what I heard, she really does like to make learning fun.  She's got a neat behavior chart and a wonderful reward system.  The class size doesn't seem huge - maybe a dozen kids?  So there should be plenty of time for individual attention if necessary.  She also sends home daily progress reports that need to be initialed so she knows that we saw them.  I like that kind of interaction.

My biggest worry with Teddy isn't the learning portion of things but something that we thought he'd had mastered already - pooping.  Over the last couple of months, he's had to change his underwear because they're poopy two or three times a day.  Sometimes it's that he doesn't want to stop what he's doing to go to the bathroom and doesn't realize until he's already pooped.  Other times, it's that he hasn't wiped well enough. Rich and I have tried to show him the best way to wipe, we've checked his butt when he was done... but it never seems to work well.  I'm hoping this won't be something Teddy will continue while he's in school, but I can't bet on it.  I did warn his teacher and I will be sending extra underpants to school with him every day.  I've read at some of the parenting sites that this is common for the age.  I just wish I knew how to help him make sure he gets to the bathroom and cleans himself up better.  Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

I love it when I make good parenting decisions

We had a meltdown moment at bedtime with Pete.  He wanted to bring one of Teddy's Pokemon Mangas (from the library) to bed with him and we told him no.  He got so upset with us that he told us he didn't want Mommy or Daddy covering him and he didn't want any kisses.

"Ok, baby," I told him.  "If you don't want us to cover you and give you hugs and kisses, that's ok. We understand.  But I am a little sad without my kisses."

I gave Teddy his kisses and as I was straightening up, Peter said, "I do want cover with bun bo (Spongebob) and huds and tisses. Mommy, cover me?"  So I went up, covered him and gave him his kisses.  Didn't make a big deal about it or anything else.

It's a big deal for me because today had been a stressful day on a lot of levels.  And usually when things are stressful, I'll have a much shorter temper. And that has a tendency to make me snappish when the kids give me a hard time about things.  But tonight, it just seemed natural to let Pete make the decision on what he wanted when it comes to bedtime.


I need to keep remembering this.  I need to remind myself that anger never works and, usually, if I give the kids a chance to calm down a bit, they'll come around to my way of thinking.  And that sometimes, I don't need them to see things my way.


You'd think that after 5 years, I'd have learned this.  But I guess I'm still learning too.

Three Weeks

Three weeks from yesterday begins a new chapter in my family's life.  Teddy will start kindergarten.

It's a day that I've alternately been looking forward to and dreading for the last several months.  On the one hand, my little boy is growing up!  He's taking the next step toward independence,   He'll be making new friends, learning new things.  He'll have so much to tell me when he gets home each day, after being away from me for almost 8 hours.  He'll have somewhere to help expand his intelligence, to help stoke the fires of his creativity, five days a week.  He won't quite be my baby any more.

On the other hand, my little boy is growing up.  He's taking the next step toward independence.  He'll learn just how much Mommy and Daddy don't know.  He'll do things that I won't be there to witness.  He'll be on his own to make it or break it.  His heart will get broken, and I won't be nearby to help mend it with a kiss.  He'll be part of a larger microcosm than his small PDO classroom and his home.  He won't quite be my baby any more.

There's a part of me that is anxious for this day to come.  I want to know who his kindergarten teacher is going to be so I can read about her on the school's website and tell Teddy all about her.  I want to get his supply list so he and I can go out shopping for some of the things that he'll need.  I want to bring him to school the first day, meet his teacher, kiss him on the cheek and tell him how proud I am of him.  I want to take him on a bus ride so when his next day of school comes and he'll be taking the bus, it won't be something unfamiliar to him.  I want to watch him take this next step, to be able to squeeze his hand a moment before that step is taken.

But another part of me wants to stop time and never let the summer end.  Next Friday will be his last day of PDO ever.  None of his friends from PDO will be attending the same school that he'll be at, so I know that it will be a completely new experience for him.  He'll be starting from scratch, new friends, new classroom, new teacher.  I won't be able to ease all of his fears because it's new territory for me, too.  Not only have schools changed so much in the 32 years since I first set foot in a classroom, but I'm looking at the difference between a small-town school with two kindergarten classrooms of 15 kids each to the largest school in the district with 10 classes of 20 kids each.  I can't tell him what to expect, because I don't know what to expect.  Not everyone will understand my child.  He's a sensitive soul with a weird sense of humor and a complete lack of patience.  And I know this can bother some people.  He's so like me in a lot of ways, and that worries me too.  Like me, he is a bit heavier.  Like me, he wears glasses.  Like me, he's smart and doesn't always know when to keep those smarts hidden.  Like me, he's sensitive and has a heart that can easily break.  And I don't want him going through the heartache I did as a kid.  It worries me that he might. And as much as I want to be there to ease any hurt he may have, I won't be able to be.  All I'll be able to do is squeeze his hand and let him take that step away from me.

I'm looking forward to Teddy being in school because of the changes in my own life.  For the first time, Pete and I will have a lot of Mommy/Peter time.  For the first 2 1/2 years of Teddy's life, it was just him and I during the day.  I got to focus more time on him, help encourage him with the things that he enjoyed.  I haven't had that time with Pete because it's always been me and the boys.  I don't regret that time, but I am looking forward to seeing what kind of relationship Pete and I will have when we can have a lot of one on one time.

At the same time, I am worried about Teddy being in school because of these changes.  Peter adores his older brother.  For all that they fight (sometimes with Teddy's instigation, sometimes with Pete's), Peter doesn't want to be anywhere without his older brother.  When Teddy was at Vacation Bible School through our church (the one that Pete was too little to go to), Peter cried every night when we dropped Teddy off at the church.  On days when Teddy's been sick and had to stay home from PDO, Peter screamed and cried when he was left at PDO by himself.  I worry that Bubbie will be inconsolable without his Tee-dore.  I know that he'll get over it soon, but I hate to see my boys hurting like that.

Three weeks seems like forever.

Three weeks comes to soon.

Three weeks until things change.

For better. For worse.

Three weeks.

Pour Your Heart Out: Self perceptions and parenting

Almost every time I go into a store with my children, screaming and yelling ensues.  

Teddy will throw a fit because I don't let him get something he wants or do something he wants to do.  He'll try to stand in front of my cart and push it in the direction he wants me to go.  He'll yell at me and hit me.  I'll try to talk to him, but he's usually anger locked.  There've been a few times when I've had to put him into the basket of the cart as punishment.  Then I have to fight to keep him in.

Or Peter will decide he can't stay near me when I let him walk rather than ride in a cart.  He runs around corners, hides under clothes racks, climbs on shelves... all the things that I continually tell him NOT to do.  And when I get fed up warning him and telling him to stop running everywhere, I put him in the cart.  I have to buckle him in very tightly because otherwise he WILL stand up and he WILL try to get out of the cart on his own.  And that's when the high pitched, full voice screams start.  The ones that I'm convinced the whole store can hear.

And as I walk through the store, with either Teddy hitting me and trying to force me to do things his way or Peter screaming as though I was putting hot pokers under his fingernails, I feel like everyone in the store is looking at me with disapproval.  "What kind of mother is she to let her kids act that way?"  When they look my direction, I am convinced I can see the contempt in their eyes.  I know that they have to be annoyed with the way my boys are acting - I'm annoyed with the way my boys are acting.

I've had many friends, online and in person, tell me not to go shopping with them.  That they don't "deserve" it and it's better if I wait until I can go on my own.  But I don't WANT to wait until I can be alone to shop.  Not only is it inconvenient for me, because of the hours that Rich works, but I want them to learn what is and is not acceptable ways to act in public.  

The second doesn't seem to be working, though.  And I'm not sure why.  I  never give in to whatever it is they want, until and unless they prove they can behave (for example, if Pete wants to walk, he has to be quiet in the cart for awhile before I'll let him back out of the cart again).  And I'm incredibly consistent with that.  I've tried to talk to them, but usually they're so angry that they don't want to listen. When I try to talk to them later, they SAY they understand, but it happens all over again.  I take things away, but they don't seem to care.  It doesn't matter what punishment I give for bad behavior, or what reward for good behavior, they still act the same way.

Then there are the two things that I do that worry me the most when it comes to how I look in others eyes.  The first is when I ignore their screaming.  Today, when I was in Target with the boys, Pete pulled his usual running everywhere and refusing to come back when I told him.  The third time he ran around the corner at full speed and I had to chase him, I got him, picked him up and put him in the cart.  He tried to climb out, I sat him back down and buckled him in.  And that's when the screaming began.  The screams to wake the dead.  And I ignored it.  I just went about what I was doing, looking at the things I needed to look at, pushing my cart as though I couldn't hear the deafening cries that my child put forth.  But all the while, even though I knew it was the "right" thing to do, I kept wondering if people were looking at me and thinking, "God, can't that bitch shut her kid up?  If I were in her place, I would have left by now!"  And there's really no reason for me to think it, other than my own insecurities.  Because everyone that ever has come up to me when Pete's been upset like this has been understanding and kind.  But I can't help but wonder what the people that AREN'T saying anything are thinking.

The second worry is when I spank them.  If they refuse to behave or listen to what I'm trying to tell them, I warn them that they will be spanked.  If I get to three, I hold the offending child in place and place three quick swats on their bottom.  I don't beat them, I don't hit hard enough to leave a mark.  I hit with just enough force to have a little sting.  And if they correct their behavior before I get to three, no spanking is necessary.  But I sometimes worry that someone is going to call the cops on me for child abuse.  Because there are some that believe that you should never lay a hand on your child, ever.  And I respect that, for them and their children.  But I'm not drawing blood, I'm not making it impossible to sit down - I'm just letting them know that their behavior will not be tolerated.  And usually, it works. But just because it works doesn't mean that someone won't claim I'm abusing my kids and try to have the cops come and take them away.  And I only do the spanking when they're physically not doing what I ask.  Like when Pete refuses to sit down after he's been punished to have to ride in the cart rather than walk, or Teddy keeps trying to run away from me to do what he wants.  It's not my first reaction. It's usually my last resort.

I know that most of my fears during these times are my own worries rearing themselves in my mind.  I know that most people, particularly people with kids or grandkids, know exactly what I'm going through.  But I can't help but worry.  Because I've always wanted acceptance.  And I've always wanted to BE a good Mom.  In times like these, though, I feel like I must be the worst mom in the world.

What I've Been Up To, Thoughts, Questions and Anything Else That Comes to Mind

I feel like writing tonight more than doing much of anything else.  That's not to say that I won't do anything else, but for the moment, I'm going to just kind of go with the flow.

Teddy's been sick for the last week, so we took him to the doctor today.  His fever's been off and on, which I didn't worry a whole lot about until a) it happened for a week and b) one of the teachers/mother of one of his classmates said that her son had the same symptoms and his doctor diagnosed it as flu.  Our doctor was only able to say that it wasn't strep and probably was a flu-like virus.  And that it looks like it's mostly run it's course. He's been fever free all day, so I'm planning to send him to PDO tomorrow.  Which Mommy really needs.

Since I was over in that area, I stopped by Michaels while I was there.  I'm trying, and failing desperately, to find a stamp or a stencil or something reusable and/or easy to find again (like stickers) with generic books/someone reading/a quote about reading.  With all of the book swaps I've been doing lately, I think having something book related that I can use to jazz up envelopes or bookmarks or pages in journals would be a great thing.  I just don't have any luck with it.  If anyone has any directions that they can send me in my hopeless-feeling quest, I'll be forever grateful!  I've tried Amazon and while they have some, but of the few selections they had, nothing jumped out at me.

I have found, however, that Michaels will be where I go for my journaling needs.  I picked up a couple of really pretty 100 pages journals for $2 each.  If I'm not in the mood to decorate a journal, I think these will be the ones I'll use.  I may go back over one day next week and pick up a few of the 80 pagers that they had for $1 for some of the smaller swaps that I'm doing.  I also picked up a new punch and a new stamp that looked kind of neat and useful in the $1 bin.  When I can go sans kids (because going today with them was a nightmare on two sets of feet), I'm going to look through their punches a little more closely.  The one I picked up today has a butterfly, but I glimpsed a few others that may have caught my fancy if I had more than 2 seconds to look at them.  And I may check Big Lots again for some of the punches, because I know they've had some in the past for around $1 as well.

Another item that I'm having a heck of a time finding is stationary sets.  I used to remember seeing them all the time when I was younger - I even had several of them.  Now I'm finding a ton of notecard sets but no stationary and matching envelopes.  And I'm not quite crafty enough yet to try making my own envelopes. Any of my readers that have suggestions on that, I'll be happy to hear from you as well.

I can also use some advice.  My boys have been getting completely out of control when we've gone out to stores lately.  Though, honestly, it's more Pete than Teddy.  Teddy does have his meltdown moments, but more often than not, he's willing to help me.  Pete, however, thinks that "Run away from Mommy and get into everything I can" is the most exciting game in the world and he has to play.  I've tried putting him in the cart - he tries to climb back out.  I've tried buckling him in, but have the carts have broken buckles any more.  I've tried swatting his bottom.  No luck.  I can REALLY use any suggestions from anyone who has dealt with the same kind of thing.  Because at this point, I'm getting to where I don't ever want to leave the house with them again except for PDO, doctor's appointments or to go to the park.

My toils with organization are still ongoing.  I picked up the Organizher Family Organizer on clearance and I'm finding it incredibly useful.  It has undated calendars with different sections for each member of the family, plus a section for lunch and dinner and daily notes, as well as a notes column on the side for the week.  There are several meal planner sheets with grocery list space on the back, two large plastic zip-closed pockets, sheets for addresses and websites, a plastic business card holder and elastics over the back cover to keep things that you may need there.  It's in a three ring binder, plus Mead (who makes the product) has downloadable content on their website so I can add pages when I need it.  So far, it's been pretty useful this week.

I have a grand plan for organizing swaps.  Actually, two grand plans.  The first is the 3 shelf bookcase that I bought.  At the moment, my crafting supplies are all over the dining room.  There's no place that can hold all of it.  So I'm going to use this bookcase for that purpose.  I have a caddy organizer (smallish) that I can put scissors and other things I don't want Pete to get his hands on on top. For things like pens/stamping pens/etc, I think I'm going to get a pencil case to keep him from grabbing that.  I'm hoping that I'll find new and inventive ways to use the space and still keep all my stuff relatively neat.  The second is getting a small folder or binder that I can put active swaps in.  I've found that when I've been out lately, I haven't been able to remember exact rules for certain swaps, or I don't have papers with me that I need, etc.  I can fill the folder with sheet protectors, get a ringed pencil case to put pens and dry erase markers in and have space to work on the things that I want to work on.  Not sure if it'll fit in my small backpack, but it's worth a try.

I've still desperately got to work on mu Plan.  I'm finding more and more that I can easily make excuses or waste too much time on the computer, things like that.  And in my effort to get better organized, I've got to stop doing it.  I'm hoping that a schedule will help me with it so I can get done the things that I NEED to get done.  I have such a hard time putting off fun until later.  Not much of an adult, sometimes.

I'm guessing that my bookcase isn't getting built tonight.  It was one of my possible plans, but I've been working on this quite a bit.  Not that this is a bad thing.  And maybe it's what I needed tonight more than building a bookcase.  It'll probably be easier with Rich around anyway.  I find it interesting the things that I write sometimes, what comes pouring forth from my brain, etc.

Maybe I should try working on a few of those book reviews at least.  The numbers keep going up rather than down.  Look for those shortly.  And thanks for listening to my babble.  Or reading my babble, which is slightly more appropriate.  And please... I'm serious about getting advice and suggestions.  I can't say that I'll take everyone's advice, but I will at least take a look at it.

Wildcard Wednesday (on Thursday) - The Second One is NOT Always Easier

As I was thinking about baby websites and newsletters the other day.  So many of them seem to focus more on first time moms.  It's as though once you have your second child, you're automatically an old hand and you don't need their advice anymore.  (That, and they seem to think that everyone has little girls, because they're always saying "she" and "her".  And yes, I know I'm generalizing.)  But, for me at least, it's not the same situation. In this wonderful article from NPR regarding differing personalities in siblings, it is pointed out that even though children may both live in the same household, that doesn't mean that they are growing up the same way.

The... theory has a slightly confusing name; it's called the non-shared environment theory, and it essentially argues that though from the outside it appears that we are growing up in the same family as our siblings, in very important ways we really aren't.  We are not experiencing the same thing.

"Children grow up in different families because most siblings differ in age, and so the timing with which you go through your family's [major events] is different," says Susan McHale, a researcher at Pennsylvania State University.  "You know, a parent loses a job, parents get divorced.  If you are three or five years behind your sibling, the experience of a 5-year-old whose parents get divorced is very different from the experience of a 9-year-old or a 10-year-old."

Also, McHale says, children in the same family are rarely treated the same by their parents, even if parents want to treat them the same.

"Children have different needs," McHale says.  "They have different interests.  They have different personalities that are eliciting different treatment from parents." 

This is very true in my household.  When Teddy was 2, Rich was working in a lab and I was working at night.  He had pretty close to our undivided attention.  I was 34 and pregnant with Peter.  We had both Lemon and Tai in our home.  We lived in a single floor apartment.  Teddy spent a lot of time on Daddy's lap, watching the computer.  He wasn't getting out among other kids his age much... unless I got together with some of my friends from MOMS club.  But we read to him every night.  He was still in his crib, though we were talking about converting his bed to a toddler bed.

Now, looking at Peter at 2, Rich is working a (basically) 9 to 5 job.  He also tutors several nights a week and teaches one night a week.  I'm the one that is with the boys a majority of the time. Peter has to share attention with Teddy because he's not an only child.  I'm not pregnant, so there is no one new in the household.  We had to put Tai to sleep last year, so the only pet is Lemon.  We're in a new apartment, a townhome.  He gets to run up and down stairs all day.  Because of the hecticness of our lives, he doesn't have the same amount of computer time that Teddy did.  He's been interacting with kids his own age since he was a baby - first at Story Time at our local library, then at PDO two days a week from the time he was 1.  He still gets read to every night, but he has to share picking books with his brother.  And sometimes, his brother reads to him so he's got another voice to learn reading from.  He's been in his toddler bed since right before his 2nd birthday.

And their personalities are completely different.  Teddy is my little thinker.  He is content to sit and read, work on the computer, play his GBA.  He has two modes - quiet and loud.  Nothing in between.  He's interested in the spoken word and wants to know why and how things work. He'll run around with his brother or his friends, playing pretend and being silly.  But more often, he wants to just read or play on his GBA.  He doesn't care for crafts much.  He never tries to color inside the lines, and he never colors for long.  A couple swipes of the crayon across the paper and he's done.  But he loves to read any words that are on that paper.  He constantly gives hugs and kisses.  Very lovable.  I don't think he's been shy a day in his life.  When he gets sick, he gets whiny.  And he loves to eat a wide variety of food.

Whereas Peter is a ball of constant energy.  He's always running, climbing, jumping.  He doesn't have a volume button.  Everything is always loud.  He has no interest in learning his alphabet or how to count, figuring out his colors (first guess for everything is blue) or anything else "intellectual".  He'd rather run or create.  Unlike his brother, he loves to color.  My walls are a variety of colors thanks to his crayons.  When we go out to eat, his little place mat has scribbles all over it.  He loves to get messy and be doing something.  He will sit down with a book and "read", but usually only at bedtime or nap time.  He only gives hugs and kisses on his terms.  When he's sick or tired, he'll climb onto my lap or Rich's and snuggle, his plo (pillow) clutched in his hand between us and him.  When we're in public, he'll give shy smiles, but he won't say much.  Even with people that he knows, like the teachers at his PDO, he will be quieter at first.  Of course, once he feels comfortable with someone, he doesn't shut up.  But it takes time that it never has with Teddy.  And he never wants to eat much.  We'll give him plates of food - not a lot, but serving sizes for his age - and he'll take a bite or two.  He's pickier than Teddy, though I wouldn't call him a picky eater.

And Peter is the one I've often scratched my head with thinking, "Now how do I handle THIS?"  He does go through a lot of the things Teddy did, but there are some things that I never had to worry about with Teddy.  Like coloring on walls.  Like hitting and biting.  And I don't know how to deal with them effectively.  (Ok, there's a lot that I STILL don't know how to deal with effectively, but that's another story for another time.)  I haven't found a good resource on how to deal with it when your younger son bites and hits your older son.

They'll never be the same boys.  I won't always deal with the same problems in life.  And, being boys and me growing up with a younger sister, it's all new territory for me.  I'm still trying to figure out how to treat each of my boys so they can be who they are meant to be.  I'm not always successful.  I get frustrated and paint everything with the same brush because I'm frustrated.  I need to stop doing so and I'm working on that.  But sometimes, I wish I had someone to help guide me through this path, someone who's been there and faced a lot of the same issues. Because, second child or not, I'm still making it up as I go along.  And somehow, I don't expect that will ever change.

Feel Good Friday (On Sunday)

Yep, I'm a couple days behind on my daily posts.  But, considering that it's been my birthday weekend, I'm cutting myself a little slack.  Still, I have some things I wanted to post about each of these days so I'm going to go ahead with it anyway.

For this Feel Good Friday, I'm going to post a few things that both myself and a few friends of mine never thought we'd say before having kids.  Please feel free to share your own in the comments.

One of the first that comes to mind was my something I had to say to Teddy a few months back. "We don't hit people with crucifixes."  He had taken a heavyish wooden one of Rick's and started hitting Pete with it.  He wasn't hitting hard, thinking he was just playing.  And before I thought about it, the above words came out of my mouth.

The other day, I was at my friend's house.  Her almost 3 year old had dunked his stuffed vampire into strawberry yogurt.  From her lips came the immortal, "Vampires aren't supposed to smell like strawberries."

Right after Teddy was born, he was flailing around and kicked himself in his most sensitive area.  Of course, it had him crying even more.  My husband told him (somewhat paraphrased).  "You've learned your first lesson.  If you keep flailing around like that, you'll hit yourself in the nuts."

Teddy is a huge lover of broccoli.  He'd eat it for every meal of he could.  But sometimes he eats all his broccoli and ignores everything else.  So I actually had to tell him one day, "Teddy, stop eating your broccoli and eat some of those fries!"

To Pete, I regularly have to say, "No, you DON'T need to jump on your brother."  He's my little scrapper.

Or else, "Sweetheart, you've got to take your clothes off before you get into the bath."  And, of course, "Bubbie, please don't eat your friends."  Sometimes he has a habit of putting his toys in his mouth.

I'm going to end with one of my favorite Teddy stories.  I don't have exact quotes, but it brings to mind the silliness of my kids and why I love them.  One day, when we were watching TV, Teddy's peepee was hanging out.  When I told him to put it back, that peepees shouldn't be out of pants while watching TV, he informed me that his peepee liked X-Men and so did his butt.  His peepee's favorite show, however, was Phineas and Ferb.  He was 4 at the time, and the whole conversation cracked me up.  My boy definitely has an imagination.

So come on, parents out there!  Give!  What are some of the doozies that you've had to say to your kids or that your kids have come up with on their own?

Failing to deal with an angry 4 year old

I'm steamed.  No, I'm beyond steamed.  I'm so livid at my eldest son that I can't see straight.  And I'm not sure how to deal with it any more other than continue being firm and hoping that he grows out of it when he turns five.

Of late, Teddy has been throwing incredible fits whenever he doesn't get his way.  I won't let him watch or read what he wants?  Not only does he get angry with me, but he hits or kicks me.  It's usually not too hard, but whatever punishment I give only fuels the anger higher.  And I don't feel that hitting should be allowed to go without comment, otherwise I'd just ignore him.

Today was the worst fit ever.  And what makes it worse is that he'd been so good up to this point.  In church, he was a veritable angel, trying to show little brother how you're supposed to behave in church.  Then we went to the grocery store.  And 1/2 way through was when it started.  He wanted to buy yogurt.  We still haven't received my unemployment check so we were surgical striking.  We told him no, we wouldn't be getting yogurt today and he started screaming that we would be and he kicked me.  Rich was ready to bring him out to the van, but he begged enough to have another chance that we granted it.  Then when we were going down the soda aisle, he wanted a bottle of flavored water.  Again, I had to tell him no.  He tried pulling a bottle off the shelf anyway.  So I grabbed his hand and started taking him out to the van.  He yelled and screamed and kicked, begged for another chance and tried the tears.  I wouldn't let it sway me.  At one point, I had to try carrying him but he's too big for me to do so comfortably, particularly if he's fighting me.

Once we got to the van, he tried to run off from me.  I had to pick him up and put him into the van.  Whenever I buckled him into his booster seat, he'd unbuckle himself.  I finally flipped the safety switch on his door and closed it so he wouldn't be able to get out that way.  But if I thought that was going to be the end of it, I was sorely mistaken.  Because the next thing he did was take off his shoes and start throwing them at me.

I was so angry I said some things that I really didn't mean - like I wanted him to go live somewhere else because I just couldn't handle him anymore.  It's something that never should have come out of my mouth because of the anger.  But it's honestly how I was feeling then.  And while me saying it upset Teddy for a little while, within a minute he was back to screaming and demanding.  The only thing that finally got him to shut up was me telling him I was calling Santa to tell him what a bad boy Teddy's been.

Right now, Teddy's in his room, being punished.  He knows that he's in big trouble.  And I'm downstairs, trying to cool off.  And trying to figure out how I let the whole situation get out of control.  Was it when I told him no the first time?  Was it not letting Rich take him out to the van the first time he acted up?  Was it trying to deal with it myself instead of letting Rich deal with it, since Teddy and I seem to be oil and water when we're angry?

I don't know.  And I'm not sure how I'll deal with it next time.  But I do know that I miss my good little boy and I want him back so badly.  I want him to stop hitting and kicking, throwing things and screaming "NEVER!" whenever I ask something of him.  I know there are going to be temper tantrums, but I wish they weren't an every day occurrence.  And what worries me most of all is the fact that I was like this as a kid myself.  I threw temper tantrums, yelled, screamed, threw myself to the floor, whenever I didn't get my way.  And it ruined my relationship with my mom for a long time.  Now I'm worried that the same pattern is happening with me and Teddy.  And I don't know how to stop it.