Fixing the Meds and Other Thoughts

This morning, I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist.  It was tough.  Because of the doctor's policies, I couldn't get in any later than 8 am, which meant there was a lot of frustration trying to figure out how to get Teddy to school on time and not be late for my own appointment.  But that worked out so the whole drive I was doing my anxiety things - what if the doctor isn't personable?  What if he's leaving and I need to get another one again?  What if he can't or won't help me?  What if what if what if?  I was very jittery for quite some time, even though I knew that I really didn't have anything to be anxious about.  After all, that's what they're there for, right?

I stayed jittery through about half the appointment time, my nervous fingers (it's almost like I'm trying to type when I get nervous, those are the moves that my fingers make) slowing as I got more comfortable.  Instead of talking to the doctor at first, I talked to one of the residents.  It was basically an intake meeting, so there was a lot of history that we were talking about which she recapped when the doctor came in a little while later.  Unfortunately, all they do is a med-check on me rather than any talk therapy (which, in large part, is what I need).  Still, I really liked the resident and she did help me feel a lot more at ease while we talked.  She and my attending are trying to get me set up for talk therapy with one of the therapists they have in the clinic.  I just need to wait to hear back from them when I'll have that appointment.  I'm trying to tamp down my natural panic when it comes to having to deal with more people, but it's hard.

One thing my psychiatrist did do for me, however, was up my dosage of zoloft.  I'm currently on the lowest dose and it hasn't been doing as much more me as I need it to.  So we're going to take it slow, start upping my dosage to 50 mg per night, then see how it goes.  I've got another appointment in a month to see how that's doing.  I also have my appointment with my PCP in a little more than a week, so I'll be able to talk to her about some of this too.  Wish me luck.

---

We had a great Thanksgiving this year, spending it with friends instead of family.  Usually, we spend Thanksgiving with my Dad, since he's only an hour away from us.  But this year, he went to Florida to visit with my step-brother and his family, which meant Rich, the kids and I were going to have to figure out what else to do.  In stepped my friend Becca.  They were also not heading to her family for the holidays because it  was the year that all the family spent with in-laws.  They've had their house under a year and she's been wanting to cook a big dinner there for awhile.  So we were invited over there.  Rich helped with some of the cooking and I did all the dessert baking before hand.  The day was filled with lots of fun and games, and far more yummy food than we needed.  For the most part, the kids even behaved!  Personally, I think it was a huge success and am hoping that we'll be able to share more holidays together in the future.  (I'd invite them here for dinner, but Lewis is highly allergic to cats and it wouldn't do well for him to collapse at the dinner table.)

---

I'm still trying to figure out Christmas for this year.  Nothing is jumping out at me as must buys for the boys, though they are convinced that everything they see on TV is something they've just GOT to have!  Sadly, with the money crunch we've been having, a lot of their musts are things just out of my price range.  I do have a few ideas - a few new InnoTab games for Pete, a few DS games for Teddy, but mostly I'm just thinking that they'll be getting things that I can find on the cheap.

Though, to be honest, they don't need anything more.  They've got so many toys that I don't think they even know half of what they have.  The same goes for books and clothes.  I'm trying to get rid of our excess, but I know the holidays are going to be bringing it back in again.  I'm hoping, though, that there will be more output and less input.  But only time (and the holidays) will tell.

I know that I do want to try to do other, non-costly things with them during the holidays.  I've got a fabric advent calendar and I was thinking of putting slips of paper in them with things to do each day.  Things like making our own ornaments, getting an extra story at bedtime, putting up the Christmas tree, going out to look at Christmas lights.... that kind of thing. I may talk with them tonight and see if I can get some ideas from them of things we can add to our advent list.

---

In preparation of the holidays, I'm finally getting around to a purge.  Something inside me is finally clicking to help me get done the things I want to.  It's baby steps - it always is.  But I'm feeling like I'm getting back on the right track.  This week, I've been working on my bedroom.  We've had a ton of things stacked and stored in our closets, to the point that I wasn't sure what was what any more.  So I got Rich to help me with the things in our walk-in closet and then worked on the rest for the last couple of days.

What is amazing to me is how freeing it is to get rid of some of these things I've been holding on to.  Clothes that I might someday get back into or that I'd gotten from someone so, of course, I can't get rid of it.  Knicknacks that I don't have the room to display and that don't have a strong meaning for me any longer.  Toys that the boys never play with and books that I never read.  So far, I've had 6 boxes and a couple bags worth of stuff to bring to Goodwill.  And that's just with the two closets in my room (though, to be fair, I'd bagged up toys to go quite some time ago and they sat in the bottom of my closet and did nothing for at least a year, so those went as well).

I also found things that I could pass on to the boys.  For being in my mom's wedding to my step-dad, Teddy had gotten a silver piggy bank.  Pete was too young for one at the time, but over the last few months, he's really been admiring Teddy's.  So yesterday when I was going through the bin of things that used to be on my dresser (and were going back there so Rich couldn't use the top of my dresser to store his clothes in any longer), I came across my old Baby Sinclair Bank.  It had traveled with me from home to college, to my first apartment and later apartments, holding my change and decorating my dresser.  And as I pulled it out of the bin, I realized that I didn't need it any longer, but it would be perfect for Pete.  He's a huge dinosaur fan (though I haven't shown him the Dinosaurs television show yet) and the bank is plastic so he's not likely to break it.  And he was happy to get it.  As soon as Teddy came in the house from school, he showed it off.  "Look what Mommy gave me, Teddy!  I got a dinosaur bank!"  There's nothing like happy kids.

---

For all that the anxiety level has been high - money worries, trying to keep on top of the apartment's cleanliness and the laundry, general anxiety and depression - I'm actually pretty happy.  Life is heading in the right direction for me, mostly.  I've got two kids who love to be with me, I'm getting to share things with them (like the bank for Pete or reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to Teddy), and they're sharing their imaginations with me.  I've got a husband that works his ass off to make sure we have a roof over our head and food on the table, and who is there for me every single day no matter what.  I've got friends and loved ones and slowly - very slowly - I'm starting to bring back some of the things that I enjoy doing like reading and writing.  I'm taking small steps with everything, but I'm getting there.  And that is a good thing.

Best Friends Don't Have to be Human

When I was pregnant with Teddy, my step-mom took me shopping for fabric so she could make pillows and blankets for the baby.  One of the pieces of fabric we picked out was a soft blue flannel with pale yellow moons and stars on it.  From that piece of material, she made a small body pillow, a small pillow and a blanket.  There were other things as well, but none of them have been as important in our lives as these three items.

At various times when he was old enough to move around well on his own, we'd put different pillows and blankets in his bed for him to sleep with.  And it wasn't long before he had a favorite - the body pillow.  Every night, he'd snuggle up with it, holding it tight.  We didn't think much of even that until one night, when the pillow was on the floor, he started crying "Bodie!  Bodie!"  We had no idea what he was talking about until we realized where he was pointing - right at the pillow.  As soon as we handed it to him, he calmed down and fell asleep.

From that point forward, Bodie was Teddy's constant companion.  He came to the store with us, to the park, walking over to get the mail.... it didn't matter.  If Teddy was coming somewhere, so was Bodie.  Only once did we make the mistake of leaving Bodie behind - on a long-weekend trip to visit our family in the Northeast.  About an hour into our drive, Teddy told us he'd forgotten Bodie.  We didn't want to turn around and go back because we were half way to Knoxville by then, so we told him that Bodie would be ok at home and he'd be ok without Bodie.  Um... wrong.  The trip wasn't bad, but stopping for the night and trying to get him to sleep.... miserable.  From that point forward, we always double checked on Bodie.

As he got older, he'd tell us little things about Bodie.  Bodie was afraid of the dark.  He didn't like to lie a certain way.  He got really lonely if he needed to be left in the car for any reason.  Bodie was as real to Teddy as any flesh and blood friend.  Actually, I shouldn't say "was", because he is still that real to Teddy.  While he doesn't bring him to school, he needs to have him to sleep with every night and between a quarter and half the time we go somewhere, Teddy asks if he can bring Bodie.  Because he's still Teddy's best friend.

You can see Bodie, clutched in Teddy's hand while he sleeps with his other friends, LadyBug and Piplup.

A few months before my step-mom passed away, she noticed how worn Teddy's best friend was getting.  We'd had to repair him a couple times, the stuffing was bunching at the two ends from Teddy holding Bodie in the middle.  She asked me to bring the blanket to her and she'd make a second Bodie.  This way, if anything happened to the first one, he could have another nearby.  It turned out there wasn't enough fabric in the blanket to make a new body pillow, so she made two larger sized head pillows instead.  I don't know if she had a sense that these pillows would be as important as Bodie or not, but on the corner of one of the pillows she left a tag that reads, "Made with Love by Grandma".

Teddy was never interested in the two larger pillows, though I made sure to keep them safe, especially after Mom Sue passed away.  It was something that she'd made with love for her grandson.  Maybe Teddy would want that some day, maybe for his own kids.  But Pete had other plans.

I don't even remember how it happened.  Maybe I gave them to Pete.  Maybe he found them.  But just like Teddy with Bodie, he quickly became attached to these two larger pillows.  From the time he got his toddler bed, they needed to be with him every night.  And when he found the little pillow, that needed to be there as well.  And, like with Bodie in the beginning, we thought it was just a pillow preference.  Until he started carrying them around everywhere.  Soon, he told us their names.  One was Mommy Plo, one was Daddy Plo and the little one was Baby Plo.  He could always tell the difference between Mommy and Daddy Plo and was very upset if he asked for one and you brought him the other.  It took me a little while to figure out how to tell the difference - Mommy Plo has the tag on her.

And like Teddy with Bodie, Pete needs his best friends with him.  When he's feeling uncomfortable or shy, nervous or tired, you will often see him with one Plo in his left hand, Baby Plo under his arm, his right thumb in his mouth and the fingers of that hand clutching tightly to the last Plo.  Plo comes out with us to restaurants, to the library, to visit friends - much like Bodie.  And every night, when he goes to sleep, he needs his friends in their places on his bed, right where he can snuggle them.  And if even one is missing, he'll run downstairs to get it.  Because you never leave a friend behind.

Peter, snuggled on the couch with his Spongebob Blanket and his best friend giving him a place to rest.

I often wonder when the boys will leave Bodie and Plo behind.  I'm sure it will happen.  It does with all children.  But I plan on keeping them, even when their friends have gotten to big for such things.  And when their older, I hope they remember them, maybe ask for them back for their own kids.

There is a song on the CD that the boys' listen to at night as their falling asleep that brings a smile to my face every time I heard it.  It's called, "I'm Your Pillow" and it's on Bill Harley's Town Around the Bend.  The song is the pillow, talking about how the child needs to sleep and settle down, maybe turn him over for the cooler underside.  I could imagine my boys' friends having this conversation with them.  But there's once verse that really brings it home, that I am thinking of writing out, framing and putting on their wall because it fits them all perfectly.  Here are the lyrics:

Yeah it's silly
Don't believe it
But I promise you it's true
Lots of people really love you
But your pillow loves you too

One day you'll be all grown up
I'll be nothing, skin and bones
But I helped you to get bigger
Don't forget me when you're grown
     - "I'm Your Pillow" by Bill Harley, (The Town Around the Bend)

And as I hear it,  I know that Bill is singing to them on behalf of Bodie, Mommy Plo, Daddy Plo and Baby Plo.  And it makes me smile.

What I Know For Sure - MamaKat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop

While I was reading C.Mom's blog today, I came across her post for MamaKat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop, I Know.  And since I'm always trying to find new things to write about and new blog prompts to follow, I thought, "Why not?"

For those who haven't been over to Mama's Losin' It and participated in her prompts, the concept is simple (though more info can be found in the link above).  Every week, you are sent 5 prompts.  Choose one to write about, and on Thursday, she'll put a post in her blog for you to link to.  I just signed up for the e-mails with the prompts, but since she has the prompts listed in the blog today, I chose to participate this week as well.  And, like C. Mom, I'm choosing to write about What I know.

Blog Dare for March 16 - Best Day Ever

We've been instructed to not use wedding days or children's births for this one and I can see that.  There'd be a lot of wedding and birthday posts that way.

For me, the best day would be my 29th birthday. I believe I've written about this before, but I can't remember for sure.  

It actually started the January before my birthday.  I was talking on the phone with my friend, Dave.  He commented that he was going to surprise his wife with a trip to a bed and breakfast on the weekend after my birthday.  "Great," I replied, half joking.  "You're gonna get some on MY birthday weekend."  And from there, we somehow came to the conclusion that they'd come down to Philadelphia for their weekend at a B&B.  I knew that his wife would love it, because we all got along wonderfully.  We started talking about the four of us getting together with another good friend of ours that also lived in Philly for dinner the night they came down.  Dave wasn't going to tell his wife about the trip, just that he had a surprise for her.  When they were driving toward Philly, he'd call me on his phone and I'd get to tell her what was going on. We decided to get together on the 15th for the big night.

Rich was in charge of making reservations for us for that night.  Originally, we were going to try to go to The Restaurant School - a school about 2 blocks from our apartment that was also a working restaurant.  They had four different theme rooms and lower prices for great food.  It was a favorite place for Rich and I to go Unfortunately, they were having a large party that night so we couldn't make the reservation.  So Rich asked around his lab and got a suggestion of a place called Rx.  It was a BYOB organic restaurant that was in a former pharmacy.  Their menu changed daily based on what they could get from the farmer's market that day.  Everyone was on board for it.

On my birthday, I talked to one of my best friends, Cristi.  She lived out in Michigan, so there was no way for her to come out.  We talked a bit about it and she mentioned her regret that she couldn't be there and asked us to call her when we were all  together.  I promised we would.

Then came the 15th.  I'd been excited all day, waiting for Dave's call.  We weren't sure who was going to get there first, Dave & Barb or Sal (the other friend that was joining us).  Rich tried to keep me occupied during the day, but when the call from Dave came, I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I just grinned and grinned, keeping an eye on the clock for the two hours that it would take them to get there to hurry past.

Sal was actually there before Dave and Barb.  He came in, gave me a large hug and chatted for a few minutes before telling me that my gift was out in the hallway.  I opened the door, and there was Cristi with her boyfriend Patrick.

I was floored.  For all that there'd been a few times that I could have guessed because of things people said (Cristi almost said, "See you Saturday" when I talked to her on my birthday, and Rich made a comment that the Restaurant School wouldn't be able to seat 7 of us), I hadn't caught on at all.  It's usually hard for people to surprise me because I have a habit of asking questions that ruin the surprise.  But this time... I was floored. I hugged Cristi so hard and I may have even cried.

When Dave and Barb got there, Barb admitted that right after I told her about her surprise, Dave told her about mine.  It was truly the best birthday ever.

The seven of us headed over to Rx with a couple bottles of wine.  We had a few tables put together and we stayed at the restaurant for several hours.  The food was great, the company was even better, and the staff just rocked.  We were all a bit tipsy when we left after a few hours, but we had good memories.  

It's been my absolute best day.  Especially because we lost Cristi the following March ( a week before my birthday) to an epileptic seizure.  That year, my birthday turned into a wake for Cristi, and I was ok with that too.  But I got to spend a special day with special friends and I can never forget it.

The seven of us at Rx.

Rich and I.

Cristi and Patrick

Sal and Barb

Dave, showing off the Rx Pharmacy Drinkware. :)

100 Picture Challenge - Day 2

Here's the link to the daily challenges.

Today's picture is "A picture of you and a friend you've been close with for awhile."  It would be easy for me to put up a picture of me and Rich, but I'm going outside of my family for this one.

Noelle and I have been friends since 1989, when I moved from New York to Florida.  She was one of my best friends, and my Pipper.  While we'd lost touch over the years, we still managed to find each other once the internet became a lot more common.  This picture was taken in Sept. 2005, on my trip to Las Vegas.  It was the first time we'd seen each other in about 13 years.  But it was like the years in between disappeared.  We still keep in touch, and I'm lucky to have had her as a friend for all these years.

Another Full Day

I'm starting to think that Full Days are becoming the norm.  As much as I'd love a chance to sit down and actually rest, that doesn't seem to be something that's allowed lately.  I blame myself fully, since the things happening are all things I'm taking on myself.  But there are times I'd like to take a breath for about 30 seconds.

We did have a relatively relaxing morning this morning.  The boys played quietly in our room, letting one of us sleep until around 7 (and, since it was me that they woke up, I let Rich sleep until around 8:30).  I spent time coloring for one of my swaps - and I'd forgotten just how much I LOVE to color until I started on it.  For the swap, we had to color one "girlie" picture for each of our 3 partners.  Me, being the overachiever that I sometimes try to be, picked four pictures for each person, trying to find something that the people in question enjoyed.  For one, I did butterflies.  For another kittens.  And the third (because they really didn't have anything specified), animated movies.  Plus I chose a Pokemon to color for each one.  I colored 3 out of the four pictures and left one uncolored for my partners to color on their own.  I'm actually pretty pleased with how all of it came out.

We had to go to the library this morning.  Along with books that were due, I needed to get an audio book to listen to on my trip to IN on Tuesday and on my way home Wednesday.  I picked out Any Which Way But Dead by Kim Harrison.  I've read her novels before and enjoyed them, so I think it will be a good choice.  From there, we went to the church where the kids have PDO and went to their Fall Festival.  It was pretty neat.  I picked up a couple used books (a couple mysteries) and a couple Advent Calendars.  The kids got to play some games.  Then we made a stop at a Gyro place we've been wanting to try for awhile.  And it was gooooooood.  If you're in the Antioch area of Nashville, definitely check out Sam's Gyros on Murfreesboro Road and Edge O Lake Drive.  Yummy yummy yummy Gyros!

We had Ruby's 5th birthday party out at Cane Ridge Park today at 1.  Me being me, I managed to get lost - even with the GPS.  Of course, that part wasn't my fault as the Park wasn't listed IN the GPS and I had to try to remember the general vicinity after I left the house.  But we did find it and did find Becca, Lewis and friends for the party.  The kids all seemed to have a blast and the Squinkies that we bought for Ruby's gift were the hit that I knew they'd be.

Once we got home, the kids took their naps and I got settled in to work on more Swaps.  I managed to get three swaps out tonight and that makes me feel like I completely, totally and utterly ROCK!  I even got my spreadsheet updated.

I may bring some of my Swap stuff up to IN with me next week.  I don't expect to have a ton of time - I'm thinking that I'll be spending quite a bit of time with Carm and Robbie while there.  But if I do have time in my hotel room, I'd like to be able to work on some of the things that I need to get done, like working on a few of the Journals that I'm going to be doing.

Tomorrow is going to be another fun filled day.  I think I'm going to try to work on some of the craftier Swaps, in the hopes of getting them out in the mail on Monday.  I've got 2 more pages to finish in my one Journal swap (a page decorated with tape and writing about my job with pictures), 2.5 more entries to write for the 5 profound events swap, and my squash book to finish.  I managed to find a lot of stickers that will fit with the theme of the Squash Book, so I'm finally feeling ready to actually do it.  If you look below, you'll see some of the other swaps that are upcoming.  I may work on them tomorrow as well, depending on how much else I need to do.  Or I may take the rest of tomorrow off.

Rich and Teddy will be going to Church in the morning while Pete and I sit at home and relax.  I've got to do a bit of shopping as well (maybe I'll let Rich take Teddy in the car to Church and I'll take Pete shopping....?)  I need to pick up shoes for the interment on Tuesday and I need more ink for my printer.  In the evening, we've got our last Halloween related activity - Trunk or Treat at the church where we get our Angel Food.  My kids are gonna have a blast, I think.

I've got plenty of pictures that I've taken over the last week for Halloween and other Halloween-type-events. But I think I'm going to wait until Monday to upload them.  That way, I can get it all done at once.  I've gotten some pretty cute pics of my kids, and I suspect there will be more cute pics tomorrow night.

So that's the busy life of an Amber.  I've still got to get my Intro post done tomorrow for LJ Idol too.  I've got an idea for how to write it up, but I'll need the help of people reading this blog.  Ask me questions - any questions.  And those will be what I'll write about in my intro post.  Of course, if I don't get any questions, I'll have to fall back and use my own imagination.  But I suspect I'll be able to get it done.  At least, I hope I will.

Oh, and I'm still working, slowly but surely, on my 101 in 1001 list.  This, at least, doesn't have a Sell By date on it, so if it takes me awhile to finish it, that's ok.  Keep an eye on this space, though..  When it finally does get finished, I'll be posting it here.

Plus, I'm going to try to watch as many of AFI's 100 Greatest Movies of All Time, 10th Anniversary Edition, as I can by the end of the year.  I've got a head start, as I've seen some of them before.  I'm actually about 1/4 of the way through..  So I'm going to try to watch the other 75 over the next few months.  Not sure where I'm starting yet, though Teddy does want to watch one I've seen before - The Wizard of Oz.  He's never seen it, but it makes me feel really good that he WANTS to watch some of the classics.

And now, hopefully, time for sleep.  Tomorrow will be a long, albeit good, day, and I need to be well rested for it.  Have a great night, or a wonderful day.... preferably both.  And thanks for reading Sanity's Overrated.

Another curve around the corner

Tuesday morning, my phone rang at 5:30 am.  It was my best friend, calling to tell me she was on her way to the hospital for her mom.  Mom B had been in the hospital for several days and had been getting worse.  Carm was scared, and so was I.  Even though Mom's health had been bad for a long, long time, she'd always pulled through.  It didn't look like it was going to happen this time.  And, unfortunately, it didn't.  Carm called me a bit after 9 to let me know that she was gone.

Mom B had been there for me a lot after I left college.  She welcomed me into her home, had no problem with me calling her Mom and just WAS like a mom to me.  So her loss has been devastating to me as well.  Not as bad as it's been for Carm or her husband, but still very rough.  Her funeral is this weekend, but I won't be able to make it there.  Florida is too far of a drive and I don't have a lot of money.  However, her internment is in Indiana on Tuesday.  That's only a 5 hour drive, so I'll be driving there Tuesday morning, spending the night and driving home on Wednesday morning.  I suspect I'm going to be a bit quiet at that time.  Of course, considering my spotty posting, people might not miss me.

I've been trying to keep busy with swapping and reading.  I've got to get a few pictures of one of the journals I'm working on.  I'm pretty pleased with how it's come out.  I've been doing a bit of crafting in it, which has come out pretty good.  I've got a lot of online swaps going as well - Halloween cards, Cheer Up cards, things like that.  I've still got a bit of bookkeeping to do with several of them.  But I'm surprisingly on track for everything.  Part of me is wondering when that will fall apart!

I also decided I needed one MORE thing on my plate and I've picked up crochet again.  I used to do some when I was younger, mostly chain stitching, and I needed something that I could see when I finished.  So.... crochet it is.  I've started doing bag.  I'm 3 rows into it.   I'm hoping to work on it some while I'm in Indiana.

I also have been working a bit on my 101 in 1001.  Still need to get all those figured out and written.  And I've got an intro post that I need to write for LJ Idol.  That one has been a bit harder because I just don't know what to day about myself or how to say it to catch people's attention.  I'll figure it out, I'm sure.  Before the end of the weekend.

This weekend is going to be as busy as last weekend.  The kids have trick or treating at PDO tomorrow (which reminds me, I need to make up the bags to hand out there), then I'm giving blood at 12:15.  The kids are out of school at 2, we're coming back to my place to hang out for awhile with Becca and her kids and then going to my church for the Fall Festival.  Plus we'll be making a stop at IHOP because they have free pancakes for the kids.  Saturday is library, followed by the Fall Festival at the kids PDO, followed by a birthday party and possibly trick or treating at one of the malls in the evening.  Sunday is church and trunk or treating at the church where we get our Angel Food.  Plus I've got to work on getting things cleaned up, clothes packed and to be ready to leave early on Tuesday morning for my trip.

Will time calm back down again?  Probably not.  But this is probably for the best.

And in another off-hand remark, I'm watching Clash of the Titans on BBC America.  I've never seen it before.  I think I'm going to have to borrow it so I can watch without commercials.  Now I'm off to do a bit more brain work.  Keeping busy is a good thing.  Or so it seems.