Morning Grumps - LJ Idol 3 Strikes, Week 3

"Bubs, it's time for school!"  

Walking down the stairs, I see him pull his blanket over his head and curl as far into the couch as he can as though hiding from the morning means it won't actually happen. I can't help but smile.  I'm in a good mood and we have a little time before we need to go out the door.  I take a moment to pull down the blanket and ruffle his hair.

"You've got about an hour until we have to leave, baby.  Start to get up and get dressed!"  I hear a grunt as a hand pulls the blanket away from me to bury himself once more.  I chuckle as I move to get myself some much needed breakfast and coffee.

About 15 minutes later, I come back to him with his morning meds.  I know that if I leave it to him, it will be forgotten.  "Bubs, 45 minutes! Here's your meds!" One slim hand slips from the cocoon and I set it in his palm.  The hand starts to slide back under the covers when I remind him that I need to see him take it.  We needed to start watching him when we found too many buried in the cushions of the couch. Luckily he isn't giving me a difficult time this morning, flipping the blanket down, rolling over and popping the pill into his mouth.  His blue eyes sparkle a little as he pulls the blanket back up.  My head shakes, a smile on my face.  "45 minutes," I remind him.

30 minutes later, I check to find him still naked, but now chuckling at something on his phone.  "Pete, I need you to get dressed. We're leaving in 15."  His eyes stay glued to his phone, acting as though I'd said nothing.

"Pete.  Get dressed."

Still nothing.

I walk over to get his attention.  "Pete.  Now please."  Nothing.

My voice gets sharp.  "Peter.  Get. Dressed."  Still nothing.

I take his phone.  "Now."

This is when the screams start.  "Give me my phone back!"  

"Get dressed."

"I heard you!  Give me my phone!"

I try to keep calm, but every scream, every insistence that he did nothing wrong, every attempt to pull the phone from my hand, makes it hard to keep control of my temper.

"When you get dressed, then you can have your phone."  Every time we have a problem, this is the way it goes.  I try to be nice, bright, happy.  He ignores me until I get annoyed.  I take away his phone since it is what's keeping him from doing what he's supposed to.  More yelling and screaming.  Reminding him that when he's done what he is supposed to, then he can have his phone.  More screaming.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This morning, the fight doesn't take as long.  I hand him his clothes, keep my anger in check, and hold his phone where he can see it.  Within 5 minutes, he has on his everyday outfit of black jogging pants and his Sonic hoodie.  I hand his phone back, "Get your shoes and socks on while you're watching your phone."  It may take the full 10 minutes we have left, but I know that it will get done.  It's the way these mornings go.

I slip my own shoes on and grab his laptop bag.  Anything to make things a little easier, I tell myself.  Once I see him slide on his sneakers, I grab my keys.  "Don't forget your mask," I remind him, pointing to the mask on the back of couch.  "I've got your bag."

As I settle myself in the car, I think back on the last hour.  I recognize that these mornings of temper tantrums and anger are happening far less.  I note the things that went right - him taking his meds without trouble, the fact that the tug of war between us lasted less time than usual, getting his shoes on.   Maybe tomorrow will be a day without fighting.  Maybe tomorrow will be a day where I come down to find him fully dressed, smiling and us getting along great.  I have hope.  

I look up and smile as the front door opens and my growing 13 year old bounds out, his mask around his neck and his plo in his hand.  I start the car, rolling down the window to remind him to close the front door with a smile.

It may have been a rough morning, but I think it will be a great day.

Pete, getting ready to head out to school.

This is the way some mornings go.

Monday Musings - Back to School

 

On August 10th, my boys will be entering school for (almost) the first time in (almost) a year and a half.  The pandemic has kept them as virtual learners from mid March 2020, through the end of the 2020-2021 school year.  When school started last year, we were asked if we were going to want to keep our kids virtual for the year or if we would want them to go back in person when that option opened up.  We chose in person for the year, thinking better safe than sorry.  We were again given the choice at the end of the first semester, and again chose virtual.  This time, it was partly because we didn't really trust that COVID would be under control enough to feel safe sending them back, and partly because we wanted to keep things as stable for the boys as possible.

This year, we're not given an option to do virtual schooling.  In some ways, this is a good thing.  Being back in the school building will be good for Pete and his need for consistency.  It will also let him get back to the services that he's entitled to through his IEP.  Virtual schooling worked for him in one way - in that I knew what his assignments were and was able to keep on top of what he had to get turned in.  But it was so much harder to keep him focused and engaged unless I was sitting on him all the time.  Add to this the fact that being among people will help reinforce the socialization that he needs to practice.  At school, he won't be able to throw a temper tantrum whenever someone asks him to do something he doesn't want to do - which, sadly, becomes the norm here at home.  And if we're really lucky, he'll be able to make a friend or two as well.

Tedd is going to be trickier.  He really did well with virtual schooling.  Since his classes didn't require cameras to be in, he was able to focus on the lessons instead of his social anxiety.  He could engage with others at his own level.  He kept on top of his homework far more readily than he had when he was in the school building.  He felt more comfortable, and that translated to doing better in school.   Our school system does have a Virtual High School, and they opened that up as an option for more students for this upcoming school year, but for all the success that Tedd had in virtual schooling, we decided not to transfer.  A large part of it is because currently, he's at one of the top academic magnet schools in the state - Martin Luther King Jr Magnet.  Elementary and middle school before he transferred in to MLK bored him to death.  He needs the push that he gets at MLK.  And if we were to transfer out to Virtual, we wouldn't be able to get him transferred back in.  So, MLK he stays.

There are also a few other changes coming for the boys from the last time they were in the classroom.  For Pete, his middle school is allowing them to have a common-sense dress code - no offensive clothing, nothing ripped, no sandals, that kind of thing.  It means he can wear his comfortable T-shirts instead of collared polos.  His pants won't change - partly because he only has one kind he'll ever wear anyway.  But he'll be so much more comfortable in T-shirts.  Finding sneakers instead of his sandals... that might be tougher....  For Tedd, his school has been the same common-sense dress code since he started in 7th grade, so no changes for him there.  His change is the fact that the district has gone back to free school lunches for all.  Because the school zone that Pete is in is low-income, lunches were free for everyone there already.  But MLK, being a Magnet pulled from the whole district, didn't have a high enough number of low-income to allow it when they switched to individual school eligibility a couple years ago.  This year, they've announced that all schools are back to free lunches.  Tedd not having to remember to pack a lunch or bring cash with him will be a huge weight off his mind.

This upcoming weekend our school supply Tax Free Weekend, so I'll be going to pick up a lot of things that the kids will need.  Pants for Tedd, shirts for Pete, laptop bags for both, some school supplies (as much for me because I love them as for them - I still have a bunch that they never used last year.) , and probably a few new masks, because even if the schools aren't requiring them, I am.   On the 4th, we'll find out what Pete's schedule is and get a chance to meet his teachers.  On the 9th, I'll make sure their bags are all ready, laptops charged and in their bags, in bed early enough to have an awesome day.  Tedd will try to catch the city bus, I'll drive Pete in to school, and the year will be a touch closer to normal.

Tedd, focusing on his school work

Pete, at his most comfortable
for school

Monday Musings - Finding Out Way Through Meltdowns

 From around the time Pete was 3, he started having some pretty bad meltdowns.  At that age, I thought it WAS just the age.  Tedd had had some as well, but they never seemed to be as bad.  He made lots of problems for his teachers at PDO, and eventually we brought him to a rehab specialist for evaluation.  That's when I first heard of Sensory Perception Disorder (SPD).  Basically, he doesn't feel things physically the same way that we do.  Things that may feel soft to us is scratchty to him.  Sounds that might be a little loud to us are ringing through his head.  His senses were being overloaded by the things around him and he didn't know how to deal with it, so he acted out.  By kindergarten, he was diagnosed with ADHD and by 3rd grade, ASD.  All of those are things that go hand and hand with meltdowns.

When he was in kindergarten, there were meltdowns at least once a week.  I would go in to try to work with the teachers to get him to a place where he could learn.  I was so grateful for the teachers and administration because they were all willing to work with me to get him through this.  In first grade, there were fewer meltdowns.  In second, fewer still and none that caused me to have to come to the school to deal with him.  Third and fourth grade saw even fewer - in large part thanks to teachers that understood and recognized that some battles were better fought than others, as well as his SPED teacher that would just take him for a walk-and-talk.

Once he hit middle school (fifth grade here), school meltdowns were non-existent.  I sometimes wonder if the teachers and administration thought I was a crazy lady who thought my kid had problems when he didn't.  No, he was just better at controlling it.  We'd found little things - like letting him have something non-edible to chew on during the day, or letting him write with a pen instead of a pencil - that helped keep him on a more even keel.  Of course, that also meant that he saved up any meltdowns for home, usually when I wanted him to do something he didn't want to do.

Last year, of course, was a completely different kettle of fish.  He didn't step foot back in the classroom for the whole year.  It was better for us that way, even though trying to keep him in front of the computer and paying attention was difficult.  My thought was leaving him as a virtual learner for the year would cause less disruption to him overall.  And I think it did.  He still managed straight As in his classes and if he had meltdowns at home, I could find ways to get him calm.

That's not to say that I've perfected dealing with his meltdowns.  There are so many times when I'm depressed or tired, when he will flinch when I ask him something and it hits my last nerve because I wasn't even yelling and if he wanted to hear yelling I'd show him yelling.... And we'd spiral into angriness together.  Every time, I would feel bad that I wasn't the perfect mom, able to get him calm, able to stay calm myself.  Because I know that me getting upset doesn't help either one of us.  But sometimes it's hard, when you're in the middle of the feelings, to get out of them.

Right now, I'm trying hard to find ways for both of us to deal with things. I bought him a book that we're working on together for mindfulness, things he can do when he finds himself getting upset.  When he starts crying, "Don't yell at me," I try to talk to him more calmly, reiterating what I'd said in a calmer voice.  When a game of his gets him so wound up because he's having problems with it but refuses to step away on his own, I make him come talk to me and then suggest something he can do to get away for a bit - usually something needed like a bath, or taking out trash, getting the mail... anything that will help him break through the meltdown spiral.  

They don't always work.  I don't always work.  But every day is a new one, every situation is a new chance to try.  And that's what I'm doing.  Because he's worth it.  And we're worth it.  It's what family is about, as far as I'm concerned.

Pete, last week, eating a s'more.

Pete at three, listening to my audio book.