Monday Musings - Finding Out Way Through Meltdowns

 From around the time Pete was 3, he started having some pretty bad meltdowns.  At that age, I thought it WAS just the age.  Tedd had had some as well, but they never seemed to be as bad.  He made lots of problems for his teachers at PDO, and eventually we brought him to a rehab specialist for evaluation.  That's when I first heard of Sensory Perception Disorder (SPD).  Basically, he doesn't feel things physically the same way that we do.  Things that may feel soft to us is scratchty to him.  Sounds that might be a little loud to us are ringing through his head.  His senses were being overloaded by the things around him and he didn't know how to deal with it, so he acted out.  By kindergarten, he was diagnosed with ADHD and by 3rd grade, ASD.  All of those are things that go hand and hand with meltdowns.

When he was in kindergarten, there were meltdowns at least once a week.  I would go in to try to work with the teachers to get him to a place where he could learn.  I was so grateful for the teachers and administration because they were all willing to work with me to get him through this.  In first grade, there were fewer meltdowns.  In second, fewer still and none that caused me to have to come to the school to deal with him.  Third and fourth grade saw even fewer - in large part thanks to teachers that understood and recognized that some battles were better fought than others, as well as his SPED teacher that would just take him for a walk-and-talk.

Once he hit middle school (fifth grade here), school meltdowns were non-existent.  I sometimes wonder if the teachers and administration thought I was a crazy lady who thought my kid had problems when he didn't.  No, he was just better at controlling it.  We'd found little things - like letting him have something non-edible to chew on during the day, or letting him write with a pen instead of a pencil - that helped keep him on a more even keel.  Of course, that also meant that he saved up any meltdowns for home, usually when I wanted him to do something he didn't want to do.

Last year, of course, was a completely different kettle of fish.  He didn't step foot back in the classroom for the whole year.  It was better for us that way, even though trying to keep him in front of the computer and paying attention was difficult.  My thought was leaving him as a virtual learner for the year would cause less disruption to him overall.  And I think it did.  He still managed straight As in his classes and if he had meltdowns at home, I could find ways to get him calm.

That's not to say that I've perfected dealing with his meltdowns.  There are so many times when I'm depressed or tired, when he will flinch when I ask him something and it hits my last nerve because I wasn't even yelling and if he wanted to hear yelling I'd show him yelling.... And we'd spiral into angriness together.  Every time, I would feel bad that I wasn't the perfect mom, able to get him calm, able to stay calm myself.  Because I know that me getting upset doesn't help either one of us.  But sometimes it's hard, when you're in the middle of the feelings, to get out of them.

Right now, I'm trying hard to find ways for both of us to deal with things. I bought him a book that we're working on together for mindfulness, things he can do when he finds himself getting upset.  When he starts crying, "Don't yell at me," I try to talk to him more calmly, reiterating what I'd said in a calmer voice.  When a game of his gets him so wound up because he's having problems with it but refuses to step away on his own, I make him come talk to me and then suggest something he can do to get away for a bit - usually something needed like a bath, or taking out trash, getting the mail... anything that will help him break through the meltdown spiral.  

They don't always work.  I don't always work.  But every day is a new one, every situation is a new chance to try.  And that's what I'm doing.  Because he's worth it.  And we're worth it.  It's what family is about, as far as I'm concerned.

Pete, last week, eating a s'more.

Pete at three, listening to my audio book.