Sometimes I wish that I was a different person. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I love my boys. I loving being home with them and watching them grow. But there are times that I don't care for who I am and want to be different.
There are times I miss having adult conversations. Even when I do have them, so much of the time they involve kids or the kids are around. I have few friends that I go out anywhere with without the kids. And sometimes, I miss that. I know that there are people out there that I probably could be friends with and get together with regularly, but those that I know online are too far away physically and anyone that might be close, I'm too nervous about meeting. I don't get out to places that I might find other people I might have a bunch in common with.
There are times I want to be Super Mom/Super Wife/Super Homemaker. I want to have a knack for organization and keeping things clean. I want to not let the little things stress me out. I want to be supportive for my husband when he has a bad day. I want to be the one that cooks excellent meals. I want to be the mom that understands everything going on with my kids and doesn't lose my temper just because I'm having a bad day. But I'm none of those things. Rather, I'm none of those things every day. I can sometimes organize and clean. I can sometimes let things just roll off my back. I can sometimes remember that my husband's had a rough day too. On a rare occasion, I'll do the cooking. And sometimes I can be understanding with my kids. But it doesn't feel often enough.
There are times when I want to have the courage to do thing things that interest me. I want to write a book, but I can't think of a book to write. I want to join a book club. I want to take a cooking class. I want to go back to school. I want to be crafty and create beautiful things. But either I'm too nervous to do them, don't have the money or don't have the patience. And that frustrates me.
Finally, there are times when I want to be different. I want to be stronger, kinder, more loving, better... and I can't accept myself for who I am. Often, it's my depression talking, telling me that I'm not good enough. Telling me that I'm less of a person than I should be. And it's hard to quiet that voice when I'm tired or stressed. But I'm learning to ignore it more often, and I'm learning to be happier with the me that I am - flaws and all. Because there are enough people that love me the way I am. Even when I can't trust in myself, I'm learning that can trust in them.