22 July 2011

In Need of a Change

I'm going through a bit of dissatisfaction with things lately. Nothing that I can put my finger on (though most of which I can lay firmly at the feet of "I haven't been taking my anti-depressants because I'm afraid of puking them up"), but I want a change. I want something new and shiny and different that I can enjoy for a little while.

Books aren't quite doing it. I mean, I am reading - and quite a lot. And I'm enjoying the stories that I'm reading. But far too quickly, I've reached the end of a storyline or I have to wait for the next book to come in from the library or something else that has me stalled. At the moment, I'm rereading The Sandman by Neil Gaiman.  It should keep me happy for a couple more days (and by then, I'll be at the library to pick up the next books in the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead that are waiting for me).  But I also know that all of these books will go quickly.  They always do.  And my "old friends" (like Sandman) just don't seem to be doing it for me lately.  I'll read the and enjoy them, but they don't satisfy whatever need is dwelling inside of me.

The same goes with TV.  Of course, I have no cable and I can't get broadcast signal in my apartment (don't ask why, I just don't know) so my watching is either things I get from the library (which are out for a week, two max), DVDs I already own or, if I happen to be downstairs and the kids aren't hogging the television, something from Netflix piped through the old - and interminably slow - computer to the TV.  But even with all of Netflx's streaming (or Hulu, if nothing on Netflix appeals), I find myself flipping, flipping, flipping.

I've even tried shopping.  While the kids are at PDO, I travel to Wal-Mart or Target or Kroger or KMart... some place with things I can buy (even if I shouldn't).  But it isn't the "no, I shouldn't spend the money" that prevents me from making purchases.  It's the fact that absolutely nothing catches my fancy.  Nothing screams at me, "Buy me!  You know you want to take me home!"  No games. No books. No movies. No clothes.  Nothing.

I want to make a change in me, but I don't know what change it could - or even should - be.  There's the part that knows it should be exercising more.  Going to the pool in the evening and swimming.  Dropping an exercise DVD into the television and doing pilates or yoga... something to renew both body and spirit.  There's another part of me that's considering a change to my hair.  But what should the change be?  Should I adjust the color?  Something redder, maybe?  Or something more mahogany?  I know from experience that blond is NOT the answer, but I always wondered what I'd look like as a raven-haired beauty.  Or maybe I need to change the length.  Then again, I don't know how I would change it, unless I went shorter.  But would I regret that?

Sometimes I think that I need to create again.  But I don't know how.  Baking is pretty much out of the question.  Even in an air conditioned home, it's far too hot outside to have the oven on for long periods of time.  I look through my crafting supplies and inspiration eludes me. The posts for my RPGs feel lackluster when I make them, like I'm going through the motions rather than doing something that I enjoy.

I want to change something.  I need to change something.  But that something refuses to make itself known.  So I sit here, staring at empty words, berating myself for doing nothing, but not knowing what it is that I want to do.