11 September 2012

Dealing with the Day to Day... Today

Yesterday, I had this grand plan to write about how today is the first time that 9/11 has fallen on a Tuesday since the towers fell 11 years ago.  I was going to talk about my memories (though not all of them, since I've blogged about it before), how the thoughts are there but not as intrusive as they were in the few years following the fall.   I had all these wonderful plans to show that I still remember how important that day was, how it changed us as a country and how the world would never be the same before and after.  I've always tried to acknowledge September 11th in some way and I didn't want to let today go by.

But then I got up this morning.  It was a typical rising for a Tuesday morning - get up, get breakfast for the boys, badger them into clothing while I make Teddy's lunch, drive up to the bus stop, then drive home for a few minutes computer time before heading around the house to do the rest of my chores.  And then I took a look at my e-mail.  My daily account balance was waiting for me and when I opened it up, I was shocked and dismayed to see how little was in the account.  Yes, things have been tight.  Yes, we've had several bills come out.  And yes, I knew I was spending when I probably shouldn't have.  But I didn't expect it to be this low.  It threw me into depression.  My anniversary is in two days.  My son's birthday is in 12 days.  Both vehicles need to be emissions tested and registered.  Groceries and gas will need to be purchased.  I have meds that should be picked up today and a dental appointment for both boys next Tuesday.  And we're broke.  We've got some money coming in on Friday, but making it until Friday with fears of other bills coming out early rattle through my head.

I want to curl up into a ball and cry.  I hate this feeling.  I hate that we are bad with money.  I hate that neither of us have the self-discipline we need to make our money last.  But I can't curl up in a ball.  I need to take care of Pete.  I have laundry in the dryer that needs to be finished.  I have cleaning that needs to be done.  And I have books, DVDs and CDs to sort through so I can sell them to McKay's for cash to keep us going these next few days.

I wanted to go on Facebook and just put out a request for hugs.  Sometimes, knowing that people have my back, that they love me no matter what kind of mistakes I make in my life, is enough to help push me to do what I need to.  But as I pulled up my friends' page, I saw post after post about remembering those that died 11 years ago today.  And I felt like I was being selfish, wanting hugs for something that I screwed up, instead of giving to those who were still grieving, either for loss of friends and family or loss of the innocence they had before the planes hit.  The daily crap that I'm going through is nothing compared to what happened that day.  And should that be what today is about?

I know that it isn't.  Deep inside, I know that life still needs to go on.  That was one of the important lessons that we learned that day - life didn't stop, we wouldn't let it.  People would still get married, have children, get divorced, lose loved ones, buy things and get frustrated.  We would continue to be the people that we are and not let ourselves be beat down by a terrorist act.  And having a bad day where you realize you screwed up and, yes, it will eventually be ok, but right now your emotions are taking the deep dive into the murky waters of depression is going to happen today like it does every other day.  Because life is still going on.  And that's what we need to remember.

So I haven't forgotten what today is.  I'll never forget what today is.  But I have other things happening in my life besides remembering it, acknowledging it and thinking about it.  I have clothes that need to be washed, books that need to be sorted, and a little boy who needs a jelly sandwich.  And yes, I can use hugs because life is weighing more heavily on me today than other days.  And that's ok.  Because the important place for me to remember is in my soul rather than on a webpage.

Thanks for letting me talk this out.  It helped me figure a lot out.  And if you ever need someone to listen, just ask.  I'll be there.