04 April 2011

B is for... Babies, A to Z Challenge

As I remarked in my previous entry, I have two boys.  Which means, I've had two babies.  And sometimes, I miss that.

When Rich and I got married, we'd talked about how many kids we wanted to have and had settled on two or three.  We had names picked out, sort of.  I knew that if we had a boy, he would be Teddy.  And Rich wanted a girl named for his grandmother, Catherine.  I knew I also wanted a girl named Anastasia.  It's long been one of my favorite names.  (For more on the naming things, take a look at this previous post.)

And I'll admit it.  I wanted a boy and a girl.  I wanted a boy because I wanted to give my child my father's name.  And I wanted a girl because I wanted to buy cute, frilly clothes.  I suspected I'd have more in common with girl children than boys, and that's kind of why I wanted both.

When we found out that our first child was a boy, I cried.  I was really that happy.  Even though I didn't know who he would become, I knew that I had my Teddy.  And when we found out I was pregnant the second time, I really hoped for a girl.  I hadn't been too keen on the name Rich wanted for another boy - Peter.  But when we had the ultrasound and determined the gender, I knew that it was meant to be.  I didn't get my girl, but the little boy that would be the namesake to the great-grandfather that had just passed away.

Now when people see me with my boys, I'll often get asked, "Are you planning on having any more?  Are you going to try for a girl?"  And the answer is always no.

I love babies.  And I love being pregnant.  I love feeling the little one growing inside me, feeling the kicks that make my tummy jiggle.  I like having conversations with my baby that no one else can have.  When they're born, I love holding my little one, snuggling them up next to me when nurse.  I love dressing them in little clothes, and watching for each little milestone, smiling with every gurgle and grin.  In an ideal world, I would have another baby.

But this isn't an ideal world.  Far from it.  And I've got a lot of reasons that have kept me from having that third child.

  • We live in a two bedroom apartment.  Someday I want to live in a bigger place, but that isn't feasible at the moment.  And a 2 bedroom apartment isn't feasible for 5 people.
  • I have enough stress trying to take care of my two boys.  Adding another child - boy or girl into the mix might seriously send me over the edge.  As it is right now, I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions by them most of the time.
  • I'm 37.  I don't want to be 40 and have my next child.  Yes, I know it's becoming more common for women to have babies at that age.  And I have no problem with the women who do.  They're the ones that can decide if having a child is right for them - regardless of the age.  But me... I don't feel comfortable with it.  I guess it's just the warnings that were given about pregnancies over 35 when I was pregnant with Teddy.
  • For both my deliveries, I don't remember the boys being born.  They were both C-Section - Teddy an unplanned and Pete a planned.  With Teddy, my body decided that it didn't want him born.  I refused to dilate the last little bit.  They'd given me some medication for the C-section and whatever it was made me loopy.  I remember Rich holding my hand and me asking if a shot was for my rubella (since I didn't have the antivirus in my system).  And with Pete, they had to put me completely under.  I'd had back surgery back in 2004 and enough scar tissue had built up between Teddy's birth and Pete's that they couldn't get the epidural in.  So no knowledge of Pete's birth at all.  I don't want that again.  It hit me kind of hard the first time.  The second time was, in some ways, worse because I wasn't even awake.  And... I just don't want that again.
  • There's no guarantee if you'll have a boy or a girl.  So the whole "Try for a girl" thing seems pretty silly to me.  Yes, I'd love a girl.  But I've got nieces that I can spoil.  Not quite the same, but it's what I have and I'm happy with it.

So sure, I miss babies.  But I'm so happy with the two boys that I have now, growing older every day.  They aren't as snuggly as they were once, but they give bigger and better hugs now.  And they can talk to me and tell me what's wrong.  So no, no more babies here.  I'll settle for snuggling my friend's baby when he comes home.