I have many dreams. Some I have hope of happening. Others I suspect will never be. But the dreaming is what keeps me going every day.
First, there is my dream house. We have friends that are looking to buy a house and it's got us thinking of the same thing. So the dream is pretty prevalent in my mind.
It has to have four bedrooms. I want each of the boys to have their own bedroom and I want a guest room so I don't have to have people staying on the 6 year old pull out couch.
It needs to have at least two bathrooms. Two and a half would be better, but if there are at least two bathrooms, the four of us won't always be on top of one another when it's time for showers, baths or the call of nature.
I want a finished basement, or a large family room to go along with the living room. Something that we can use as a library/computer room/gaming room. If we had a finished basement, I'd also love to set aside an area as a playroom for the kids. Something that they can adapt for their own needs as they get bigger.
I need a larger-than-one-butt kitchen. One where I'll have room to bake without feeling like I'm crowded and crammed. Dishwasher is a must. And I'd love to have a freezer with water and ice in the door. The kitchen isn't quite as important, other than having a large space. Rich is the one that cooks, so it would be his final say.
It would have to have a large pantry, preferably like the one in my parents' old house. You could walk in and the shelves curved around you. Rarely did we need to worry about things getting pushed so far back that we didn't know what was there.
Ideally, it would have a fenced in backyard. But even if it doesn't have a fence, I do want a yard. I want to be able to send my kids outside to play without worrying that they're going to run in traffic. If we could have a tree in the backyard, that would be even better. I miss sitting under a tree with a book and a large cup of iced tea, reading the afternoon away.
There are some things I don't care as much about. A garage? Eh. If it has one, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. A screened in porch? It would be nice, but again, it's not a deal breaker. I don't care if it's a single floor or multiple floors. The stairs do give me daily exercise, going up and down them. But there are times that my back seizes on me and I have a hard time getting up the stairs. So they each have their plusses and minuses. And I don't care what it's made out of either - brick, concrete, stone, wood - as long as it's sturdy.
That is the house I'm looking for.
I also have dreams of financial security. I dream of the day that Rich's salary tips into six digits and we don't have to worry about pinching every penny. Or ignoring calls from debt collectors, telling us to pay with money we don't have. I want to not worry where money is going to come from if something goes wrong with the car or we need something replaced in the house. I want to feel secure.
Along with that, I have dreams of hiring someone to help me clean and organize. I'm terribly unorganized. Have been all my life. And "neat" is not in my vocabulary. But I know there are better ways to make things work in my house and I need more than a book or e-mails to tell me how.
Then there are my dreams for my family. I dream that Peter and I will spend the next three years getting closer, finding things to do together, making things, while his brother spends his days in school. I dream that Teddy will find his niche in school, so he doesn't get teased for things that come from genetics. I dream of my boys graduations - first from elementary, then from middle school, then from High School. I'd like them to go to college, but it's not right for everyone. As long as they are doing what makes them happy, then I'm happy.
I dream of them getting married and having families of their own. Teddy will regularly tell me that we he grows up and has a family of his own, he'll do this/that/the other. I'm curious to see which things he will do. There is a small part of me that dreams that when one of my children has a baby, it will be a little girl. I don't have a girl to spoil now, so my hopes are for later.
I dream of Rich and I still holding hands into our 80s and, if we're lucky, our 90s. I dream of being as in love with him when one of us passes on as I was that day 9 years ago when he asked me to marry him. Wait. No. I dream of loving him more than I did then. Because I already do. I dream of watching our dreams unfold together.
My life now isn't the dream that I had 5, 10, 15 or 20 years ago. It's definitely not the dream I had as a child. I didn't dream of living in an apartment. I was going to have a house. I didn't dream of two little boys. I was going to have a boy and a girl. I didn't dream of being a stay-at-home mom while Rich was working at a university. I dreamed of working outside the home as a teacher while Rich worked toward a cure for cancer in the lab. I didn't dream of the frustrations that sometimes comes with being a mom. I dreamed of the joys that my kids would bring every day. I didn't dream of where I am now, but I don't regret it.
Sometimes it's nice to have dreams come true. It's nice to see something you want finally arrive in your life. But even if your dreams never show up exactly as you expect them, that doesn't mean that life has failed you, or you have failed your life. Because sometimes... most times... things end up better than you ever could have dreamed.
And a lot less fun than the other options.
