The Mom Pledge Blog Prompt - Taking a Stand

I may eventually catch up with blog prompts, but I'm not going to stress about it right now.  However, I am going to write about the next prompt right now.

"I stand up against online bullying. My blog is my space. I will not tolerate comments that are rude, condescending or disrespectful." Have you experienced this on your blog? If so did you follow the principles of The Pledge? What was the result? If you have not experienced it personally, have you seen it on other blogs? How was it handled, and what was the result?

As I've mentioned before, I've been lucky enough to not have to deal with bullies, either on this blog or anywhere that I've visited.  I hope it never happens.  But I'm not quite so idealistic to know that will be the case.

I think we all have plans regarding how we'll react in a certain situation. "If someone puts down me or my child, I'm just going to walk away.", "If my child has a problem with another student in school, I'm going to try to let them resolve it first."  But, as the old saying goes, no plan survives contact with the enemy.  That applies militarily and socially.

But I think being online gives me an advantage in how I deal with things.  In face to face situations, I have a tendency to freeze up.  The witty come-backs that I know are in there somewhere leave my head, only to return when the situation is long gone.  The tears start to well in my eyes, and the need for acceptance plows past reason.  In short, I'm not good with negativity when I have to deal with it immediately.

Online gives me the chance to step back and deal with things more rationally. My gut reaction usually involves either abject apology or extreme anger.  And I end up saying things that I regret.  So I've tried to get into the habit of stepping back until I can be calm enough to reply.  Sometimes on a reread, I find that an outside influence has colored how I read things and the writer wasn't trying for snark.  But that's not always the case.  Sometimes people are just being mean.  And that's when I need to step in.

I don't want to immediately delete or ban someone (though I will agree that there are no absolutes - if someone is spilling vitriol with every word, all bets are off).  I hope that, should this time ever come, I'll be able to clarify that I'm reading correctly.  I'll give them a warning that I will delete further vicious comments.  Only then will I delete comments and ban the person from my blog.

As I've said before, my blog is my home.  It's a place that is solely mine, somewhere that I invite people into in order to visit for a little while, have a conversation with and get to know a little better.  And, just like in my own home, if you're going to be rude, I have the right to call you on it and to eject you from my home.  I do what is necessary to keep harmony in my home.

Coming back to the List Challenge

The List Challenge is one that I'd started participating in back in March.  Then life happened and it didn't.  But I still like making lists and I've wanted to get back to it and I figured now was as good a time as any.  If you'd like to check out the list of challenges, along with my lists for each question, you can find it here.  I'm going to continue to go back and link up the answers as I write them.

Today's list is:

Good Things That Happened This Week

• We got the letter from Teddy's school letting us know some of the important information that we need for him to start next week. I won't find out who his teacher is until the day before school, but at least I know where to park and where to go and all that stuff.
• I've ordered my yearly Sandra Boyton calendar... and this year, I may actually have things to write in it!
• Between my mother-in-law and I, we've finally found some shorts that Teddy will be able to wear to school (thanks to the dress code).
• I found small alphabet stamps at Target in their dollar bins.
• I finally got all the laundry that had been sitting around forever finished.
• Peter still wanted me to carry him - bad on my back, but good for my soul.
• I found that, within the last 9 months, I've read 121 books.
• I was featured on The Mom Pledge Blog today!

Talking, again, about the Mom Pledge

As long time readers of my blog know, I'm a huge supporter of the Mom Pledge.  While I've never been the recipient of cyber-bullying, I know that it is a big problem in the online world.  And it seems to be particularly vitriolic in the Mommy Blogging world.  Because as most moms know, there's always someone out there to tell you that your opinion is wrong, the way you're raising your children is wrong, and that your child is going to suffer because of the beliefs you have and the way that you raise them.  This happens in the real world as well as the online world.  In the real world, you can just walk away from the conversation.  But in your own blog... well, that is a different story.

Your blog is your home online.  It may be one of many, but it's still a place that you've created to be what you want it to be.  And when a bully comes into your comments, berating you and telling you that you're wrong, spilling hate and intolerance all over your blog, making it personal by calling you names and stabbing sharply at you, it's like someone barging into your home and assaulting you.  You don't want to leave your safe place. And, just like a backstabbing friend, some of these bullies will go to others in the blogging community to talk about you in the worst of terms.  Who wants to deal with that?

The Mom Pledge is a pledge by it's members to try to stop this kind of bullying, to support the members of the community when bullies come their way, and to do their best to be conscientious bloggers.  This doesn't mean that you can't debate in people's blogs.  Debate is healthy.  But it does mean that negative comments and personal attacks should be checked at the door.

And you shouldn't just keep an eye on this for your own blog.  Keep an eye on it in other's blogs as well.  There are all kinds of people in the blogging world - those that are willing to stand up to any fight and those who are sensitive to negative criticism, those who wear their hearts on the page and those who are more circumspect in what they write.  By going in and showing your support for a blogger when they are being bullied, you are giving someone a helping hand when they may not be good at defending themselves.

August is Mom to Mom Month at the Mom Pledge.  Tell other moms about the Mom Pledge.  Take the pledge yourself if you haven't.  And be supportive to the moms that you know.  Because we can be a positive force in the blogging world.

Blog Hoppin'!

Being the first weekend of the month, The Mom Pledge is doing the monthly Mom Pledge Blog Hop.  Take a moment to check out some of the other blogs that have taken the pledge.  We're a growing group of Mom bloggers who think that bullying - in any form, especially among the blogging community - is unacceptable.  We do our best to stop bullying whenever and wherever we see it.

Elizabeth, the wonderful woman who started The Mom Pledge, also started a web store with various items to help promote The Mom Pledge.  To get the word out and get things started, she hosted a giveaway of 5 tote bags and a grand prize of a choice of apparel. Well, I won a tote bag.  So I'm going to be able to promote one of my favorite causes throughout Nashville.  Thanks, Elizabeth (and her special helper) for pulling my name.

Now to get Hoppin'!

The Mom Pledge Blog Prompt - Disagreements

If I'd actually been able to post in May, this is the Blog Prompt that I would have written about:

"I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind." How do you react when someone disagrees with your point of view? Do you expect all comments on your blog to support your decisions or opinions?

I'll be the first to admit it.  I can be overly sensitive.  I don't take criticism well.  I'm trying to get better about it, but I have my moments when being told that I'm wrong hurts.  And I've cried a lot of tears because of that criticism.  (Which often causes more tears because I'm angry at myself for getting so upset.)  It's embarrassed me at jobs and in businesses.  And I hate that aspect of my personality.

But at odds with that, I also try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Unless I'm feeling depressed and convinced that everyone hates me, I like to think that people are generally good and not purposefully trying to hurt my feelings.  So I may get upset, especially when someone challenges a strongly held belief of mine, but I eventually understand that it wasn't meant to be hurtful.

The world of the written word enhances both aspects of my personality.  Because with the written word, you can't always tell if someone's tongue is firmly in their cheek or if they really are intending to be snarky or mean.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes I need to clarify.

Despite all of the above, I actually do like to hear differing opinions, as long as they are posed intelligently and respectfully.  I know that my way isn't the only way.  I know that some others have found other things that work better for them.  And maybe their ways will work for me too.  More often than not, it's someone wanting to share their experience more than someone trying to tell me that I'm wrong in my opinion or my choice.

I do my best to understand others opinions, and to welcome them.  Strange as it may sound, given what I've written above, I really do enjoy a good debate.  And I try really hard to welcome others opinions, ideas and suggestions.  I may not always succeed, but I doubt that you'd notice it if I didn't.

Because I've also been around for quite some time and I've learned never to reply in anger.  With the written word, you have time to choose how you want to say something.  And shooting something off quickly rarely ends well.  So I take my time to think about what I have to say when I'm hurt or angry and then form my reply.  And if I can't think of any way to keep the snark out of my reply, I remember one important lesson from childhood.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

The Mom Pledge Blog Prompt - Many Paths

I'm a few months behind on the Mom Pledge Blog Prompts.  So I'm hoping to catch up over the next couple of days.

I wrote about the first prompt, Integrity, at the end of March.  This one is about allowing others to follow their own paths.  the prompt is this:

"There is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family." Is this difficult or easy for you to accept? Why? Has taking The Mom Pledge changed how you view the choices of other moms?

Allowing others to follow their own path has always been easy for me to accept.  It's my general outlook on life, so bringing it into Mommyhood was natural.  I know that some of my choices may not be the ones that others would have chosen for themselves - things like my decision to allow my kids to watch TV, be on the computer and play video games from a young age.  (They've all been learning tools for my kids.  They've also helped spark their imagination - which can be viewed by anyone watching Teddy and Peter have a Pokemon battle.)  Just as there are others who have made choices that I wouldn't adopt for my own family.  (An example, co-sleeping.  I prefer to give my husband and I privacy in our bed and my boys a space of their own in their bedroom.)  So this is a mantra that I've been living for longer than I've been a mom.

What the Mom Pledge has done for me isn't changing how I view the choices of other moms, but expanding my view of the roads that other moms have taken.  Before I got into the Mommy-Blogging community, I knew about some of the hot-button issues - breast vs formula, TV vs no TV, co-sleeping vs independent sleeping.  But I've been introduced to a world where ALL choices made for kids are unique.  A friend I was talking to told me about a mom that she knew that allowed her kids to color all over their walls.  They felt it was a way to express their creativity and the mom didn't want to stifle that creativity.  It's not a choice that I'd make (I'm in an apartment, so it's not a good idea anyway) but I applaud the mom for doing so.

Seeing this wider world through the eyes of the other moms has also given me ideas of how to deal with my own kids, how to help my own family be the best that they can be.  In seeing choices that I'd never considered, I'm finding ways to adapt my own parenting, trying to find something that works.  Because even something that I think works fine can always be open for improvement.

For the moms out there that have been bullied by others, remember this: YOU are the one that has to walk along your path.  YOU are the one that needs to deal with your own families idiosyncrasies and find the best way to do that.  And until someone is in exactly the same situation that you are, with exactly your kids and your husband (or doing it on their own) and family and friends and lifestyle and... you get the picture.  Until someone is standing in your shoes, they have no say in how you choose to be a family.  And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Time for a Blog Hop!

It's that time again - time for the weekly Mom Pledge Blog Hop!  And, being Easter Weekend, it's a perfect time for "hopping" along with that famous Bunny. :)

For those new to my blog, I'm a big believer in the Mom Pledge.  We're a group of Mom Bloggers that are doing our best to eradicate bullying in the Mom Blogging community.  We believe that it is possible to disagree without making it personal, without trying to make the blogger in question feel like shit just because we don't agree with something they say.  Our community is constantly growing, so please feel free to join.  Even if you aren't a Mom blogger (like my friend Kerri), that doesn't mean that you can't give your support if you agree with what we're trying to do.

So... take a hop on to the next blog and see who else you may discover among the Mom Pledge community!

A day full of... full, and the Saturday Blog Hop!

Today is going to be one incredibly full day.  Quite a bit of time will be spent outside the home.  We've got our usual Saturday trip to the library, along with today's being the monthly book sale there (of which this is also one of their 1/2 price sales, so I'm hoping to get lots of goodies).  This afternoon, we've got the 11th Annual Family Literacy Day sponsored by Belmont University. As I mentioned previously, this is something we've been going to for the last couple of years and we really, really enjoy it.  I think Even Pete is ready to really enjoy it this year.  I can't wait to see what books they pick out at the end of it all.  I've got a couple errands to run as well (like going to the store) so we probably won't be back until later in the evening.

I'm hoping to get quite a bit of blogging done today, as well as make a couple additions to the blog as a whole that I was hoping to make.  I was far too tired to do my A to Z Challenge post or my Feel Good Friday post yesterday, let alone the book reviews that I needed to do.  So my hope is to get those finished today so I can feel like I'm a bit caught up.

I have done one thing online already today - joined the Saturday Blog Hop through The Mom Pledge.  For any new readers that haven't already taken the Mom Pledge, this is a cause that I believe very firmly in.  It was started by Elizabeth at The Writer Revived in an effort to make people aware of Mommy Blogger Bullying - the tendency for some Mommy Bloggers to berate, stalk, or in any other way bully mom's that they don't agree with.  Being online, it gives a lot of moms a sense of powerlessness because they can't actually face their attacker.  The Mom Pledge was created for Moms to not only be made aware of this problem and spread the word, but to try to help each other out when we see bullying occurring.  I have often said that I've been very lucky when it comes to online bullying in my blog - I've had fantastic commenters who, even if they don't agree with something that I post, don't manage to sling mud here.  But I know that I'm lucky in that aspect.  Not all Mommy Bloggers are - particularly those who make non-traditional choices.  So I do my best to support not only the Mom Pledge but as many of the bloggers that have taken the pledge already.

The Saturday Blog Hop is a great chance to find new blogs.  And there area all kinds of posters on these blogs - those that post continual wit, those that are incredibly honest, those that like to post a lot of pictures, those who like to write mainly words.  There are moms who state who they and their families are openly and others that are more circumspect.  Some will post humorous tidbits, others will do daily or weekly memes, and still others will post like a traditional journal, commenting about their day.  And there are several (myself included) who do a little of everything.  So check out some of the blogs below.  As more bloggers enter their info, the blog roll will update.  So come back to the Blog Hop Page often to see what other blogs you can enjoy! (Since I haven't been able to figure out how to get the code to add the hop here.... I blame it on tiredness.)

The Mom Pledge Blog Prompt - Integrity

I am very committed to the ideals of The Mom Pledge.  As I wrote back on the 18th, I think it's very important to not just say the pledge and let it be that.  While I won't say that I go out of my way looking for bullies, but if I come across one I will NOT let it stand uncontested.  No one should be afraid to post in their own space.

In an effort to keep The Mom Pledge in the forefront of our minds, the founder of The Mom Pledge, Elizabeth Flora Ross, has come up with new content to help us keep getting the word out.  Starting next Saturday, there will be a Blog Hop every week.  It's a great way to get to know other Mommy Bloggers, make some friends and get to know your sisters-in-bloggerhood.  The other feature that she started was a monthly prompt to get us thinking and posting about the Mom Pledge.  While the list that she has on the blog are supposed to be taken in order, if you want to change it up, you're welcome to.  And the prompts aren't labeled by month so you can start at the beginning whenever you jump in.  Me, I'm starting today.

The first prompt that has been given involved integrity.

"I am a proud mommy blogger. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my blogging activities. I can lead by example." What does integrity mean to you?

For me, integrity is living up to your ideals as closely as you can.  We all have moments of weakness - it's what makes us human.  We all have the snarky thoughts that run through our mind when we read or see something that we don't agree with.  I know I've been guilty of it.

But integrity is what we DO about those thoughts.  Integrity is recognizing the thoughts as snark and not putting them to paper, electrons or lips.  Integrity is trying, for just a moment, to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  Integrity is practicing what you preach.

The world is made up of different people with different ideals.  I think it is our duty, particularly as parents, to accept those differences and not denigrate them because of their differences.  Most of us, I believe, want our children to be accepting of others and to live successfully in a diverse world.  If we were to allow ourselves to speak in our moments of weakness, or to turn our backs when we see another being ridiculed for their own differences, what kind of lesson are we teaching?  Do as I say, not as I do?  Not a very good one, in my mind.

So I chose to have integrity in my blogging.  I talk about my day.  I blog about things that I'm doing and, sometimes, people that I meet.  But I try very hard never to bring anyone down in what I write.  The same goes for my commenting in others' blogs, even if I don't agree with what they are saying.  It IS possible to disagree with someone in a respectful manner - even on the internet.

I also try to think of my internet integrity in the same way that I think of my offline integrity.  To most of you, I am words on a screen.  You've never met me.  You only know the face that I've presented to you, through the words I've chosen to write and the pictures I've chosen to put up.  I have anonymity in this.  I can invent myself to be whoever I want online.  But what I want to be is the same person I am when I'm not typing words into a computer.  I don't want to hide behind an online persona, for the "pleasure" of knocking someone down a peg.  The opinions of those I've come to admire and befriend online are as important to me as the opinions of those who are part of my everyday offline life.  Knowing that I am the same, whether online or in person, is important to me.  So I refuse to allow myself to lose any of that integrity due to cruelty to others.

As per usual, this is a stream of consciousness post.  Most of mine will be.  It's the way I write.  But I also think it comes across more honestly than if I were to let it sit for a few days.

I hope you continue to read my blog and continue to offer your support to The Mom Pledge.  

More about what the Mom Pledge Means to Me

I posted earlier in the week about The Mom Pledge.  Right now, Elizabeth is asking for Moms to write about this topic.  (Though the link for submissions is only up for another few hours).  I've been wanting to write about this for most of the week, but this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down and do so.

I'm very familiar with bullying.  The bullying I had as a child was relatively mild as bullying goes.  It was teasing about weight, brains and lack of money.  It was pretending to be my friend and talking behind my back.  And it hurt.  I remember my mom saying how much it hurt her to have me come home crying because kids in my class would say things that hurt.  It was one of the reasons I left to live in Florida with my Dad.  My hometown was so small there was just those that were in and those that were out.  There weren't enough kids to have cliques.  When I moved to Florida, I didn't have to worry about the hateful words any more.  It's not that I changed or tried to reinvent myself.  It was just that there was a larger group of people and I was able to find my niche in a lot of different groups.

As I grew older, I thought that the hateful words, the bullying and the snark would be left behind.  I didn't deal with it in college (again, thanks to a wonderful group of friends and the ability to fit in with a lot of different people). Right after, I was semi-isolated because... well, because that's the kind of person I am.  I have a hard time stepping forward and making friends.  Once the internet came around, I found a lot more friends all over the world.  Because I'm a trusting person, I used belief as my default with what people told me.  And yet, I still didn't get burned.  I don't quite know how I got so lucky.  But then again, for all I know, people were talking about me behind my back.

Cowardly bullying came to the forefront when a community popped up on LJ - SDMB Anonymous.  The SDMB was a forum I'd spent a lot of time in.  In fact, it's where I met my husband.  SDMB Anonymous was a place on LJ where people from the SDMB could come in and (anonymously, of course)  snark on the denizens of the SDMB that they didn't care for.  I saw many of my friends with broken hearts because they thought they were well liked, only to have several people come in and slam them for any little thing that annoyed them.  They didn't do it to try to help the people they were commenting on.  They did it to help bring the others down.

Some of the people that were commented on were parents and it was their parenting that was called into question.  Comments about cleanliness, or the way they raised their kids, or the lifestyle choices that the practiced were all thrown like rotten eggs at the head of the person they deemed unworthy.  Some of those parents were strong enough to say, "Screw you!  If you can't be brave enough to put your name on it, then your opinion doesn't matter."  But not all of them.  Some of the people were broken, pulling away from all their friends because they had no idea if they were one of the people who had made the mean comments.

It's the same with the bullies in the Mom Blogosphere.  Now, I'll say right up front that I've been incredibly lucky not to have been the target of hateful words on my blog or (as far as I know) anyone else's.  But I've heard stories about moms that aren't so lucky.  It's hard to put those comments in the rear view mirror, especially when you have your own doubts about your parenting.  I have doubts regularly and if I had someone come in and tell me, "You're such an ignorant bitch!  You shouldn't let your kids do X, Y and Z.  It's just stupid and your harming your kids by doing so." I know that I'd be calling my husband, breaking down in tears because I would wonder if they were right.

I don't know for certain why some moms feel the necessity to come in and spread cruelty like it's apple butter.  (Yeah, I'm getting into weird metaphors tonight.  Don't ask.)  My guess is that they are so convinced that they are right that they feel it's their duty to tell other people how to do things right.  Or they are so insecure that the only way that they can feel better about themselves is by pulling down everyone else around them.  Or maybe they do have an irrational hatred for the person that they're slamming.  It could be any of these reasons, all of them or none of them.

I think it's important for those of us in the Blogosphere to stop it when we see it.  Yeah, it can be tough to call someone on negative behavior.  How many of us look the other way when we see a fight between husband and wife in the middle of the street, or hear a woman screaming at her kids next door about how worthless they are?  For me, I know that I worry that I'm making a mistake by getting involved, that maybe it's just a one time thing or maybe the person that's doing the negative behavior will come after me next.  It's straight up fear.  And I think that's why so many bloggers and their readers let these kinds of things slide - somewhere, deep inside, they're afraid that it will reflect badly on them or that they'll be making a mistake if they say something.  That fear is in me and for far too long, I've looked the other way when I've seen this cruelty.

But not any more.  Someone has to stand up and say it's not acceptable.  Elizabeth has given us a great place to get together and be strong together with this.  She's gotten the ball rolling, but those of us that believe in The Mom Pledge are the ones that have to keep it going.  Don't say the pledge and let that be it.  Be active.  Step up for your fellow bloggers.  Listen to them when they're feeling put upon.  Sometimes it could just be a matter of misreading things (which is a huge problem with the written word) and it could take a second look to get things on the right track.  And sometimes they could be the victim of bullying.  Either way, BE there for your fellow bloggers.  Get to know them.  Read their blogs.  Comment on their posts.  It's one way to make sure that, should the time come when a bully enters their lives, they don't have to feel like their alone.

For those who haven't read it before, please go take a look at the Pledge.  And think about it and how you can help.  Because bullying doesn't go away when you get out of school, and it doesn't go away because the person doing so is writing words on a screen.