Fighting It

 Today, the depression is hitting me.  I don't really have a reason why - I took my meds, I got out into the (scalding hot) sunshine for awhile.  But I've been having difficulty pulling myself mentally out of the state I'm in.  I look around the dining room and see everything I should have done today, all the cleaning I'm trying to get finished.  And I just.... can't.

This, far more often than most, is what my depression looks like.  I manage to get out of bed.  I even get a few things done.  But the little voices in my brain won't stop mentioning what I DIDN'T get done.  No matter how many other things, it's the "But what about THIS"s that stop me in my tracks.  And I hate it.

I'm trying to fight it.  The intellectual part of my brain is telling the emotional part of my brain that there's nothing to worry about, that you'll be back on top of things.  The emotional part of my brain isn't having it.  And as I sit here, getting ready to join in my first ever book club (and scared to death that I'll sound like an idiot as I try to talk about the book because I ALWAYS sounds like an idiot, and I'm always afraid) I'm just trying to remind myself that I can make it through.  That I can spend time with my BuJo later, maybe post another blog post later.  Maybe I'll even work on a plan for trying to use this more regularly, to post regular content and updates.  

All I know is that, as down as I am, I refuse to let it get the best of me.  Because I am a fighter, somewhere deep inside.  And I won't let my own brain chemicals let me stop finding that fighter.